It's hard to understand

I haven't really posted much lately because I have been trying to decide what way I want to take my blog.  What type of things I want to post about.  I miss blogging I miss writing about what I feel most passionate about, my son, my family, my faith and adoption! 
I recently joined Periscope I am being totally honest when I say I don't know much about it.  How it works, how to comment on videos, how to make a video...anything.  BUT I saw someone post a link and really wanted to see the broadcast they were doing to hear what they had to say so I joined and well I'm hooked on watching it at this point.  I have watched so many amazing and moving stories.  They have all touched me in some way or another, from birth mothers telling their stories, to adoptive mothers telling theirs and just a great group of women talking about their faith in God.  One really hit my heart hard this morning the title was Adopting Rocks by a fellow adoptive mommy named Kelly.  She was talking about the adoption of her oldest son and the relationship they have with his birth mother.  I sat and cried the entire time she talked about it, in fact I am crying as I write this post from the emotions still.  She spoke so many words that have been in my mind and heart in the past and will be even in the future I'm sure.  The relationship between a birth mother and adoptive mother is nothing anyone will ever understand, well unless your a birth mother and adoptive mother.
So many times I have had people say to me why do you care what she does or how she is?  There are times I want to say it is none of your business why I care the way I care about anyone in my life, those are on the bad days, days I get tired of defending it.  But most days I take the time to explain because I know they ask because they don't know, they don't understand.  There are times I didn't understand it either honestly.  But the thing is it's a journey I don't understand at times!  There is a connection that it hard to explain!  She made me a mother!!  She did for me what I couldn't do for myself and my husband.  She entrusted a perfect little person to me, her perfect little person, half of her heart!  No questions asked nothing more of me than to love him.  Love him with every ounce of my entire being and then some!  Pretty small thing to ask in return if you think about it.  As if doing that wasn't enough there was 2 moments that will forever be a reminder for me of the raw pain she had and may still carry.  I am not sure if I have ever talked about them or not on here.  If I have I'm sorry for repeating and if not I guess I'm finally ready to talk about it.
We were in the hospital still after Noah was born we had been in for 2 days at this point and the original plan to be in until Friday when she was able to sign had....changed at the last minute and we were leaving a day early.  So there was a last minute scramble to make arrangements for everyone for 24 hours.  I had to leave the hospital to go and get the car seat and things for the baby and come back for him and her.  What I was reading as strange behavior (from her) scared the living shit out of me to be frank.  I left the hospital room and broke in the hallway.  I hit my knees crying in a way I never cried before.  I just KNEW in my heart they would be gone when I got back.  The fear of never seeing that baby again was beyond anything I could handle.  I couldn't breath, I couldn't think my life felt like it was over.  I remember giving the hospital social worker my cell phone number as she was going into the room and telling her please don't let me come back to find an empty room.  Please call me first.  The fear and emptiness I felt was beyond anything I could imagine, that I can explain even now 3 years later.  It still brings tears to me and a feeling I can't explain.  I Called my husband and mother who were at the hotel, I had spent the night at the hospital, and told them what was going on.  IT was the worse phone call I had to make to that point in my life.  I got a call from the social worker as I was getting things together at the hotel and my heart sank I knew she was going to tell me my biggest fear had come true, she had changed her mind and left and couldn't tell me herself.  I was SO wrong, the social worker said that Noah's birth mother was worried we would change our mind and not return to get them.  I knew at that moment I needed to feel that pain and fear to totally know a small part of what she was feeling.  It had rocked me to my core. 
The second moment was the night we left to come home.  We had been cleared to finally leave and go home.  We had been in Noah's birth state for 8 days.  I sent her a text we were released to go and were leaving that night on the red eye.  We made last minute plans to see her on our way out of town.  It was so last minute in fact we were able to see her for less than 10 minutes and she said good-bye to her son in the back seat of a rental care.  What I witnessed in that car is something that I will forever hold on to as a reminder of the promise I made to her and God! There is some of that night I'm not ready to share but you get the point of the pain she felt and what I saw.
Open adoption is not always easy but hey I have never been one to do things the easy way you learn less that way!
I love our son's birth more to the core, good, bad indifferent!  I love her for who she is not just for what she did!  I want good things for her, I want happiness for her, I want piece of mind for her to know that Noah is loved with my entire being and then some.  I want people to understand but I know it's hard for them and that is ok to.  See it's my story and her story to understand! 

The Choice

For most people, not all but most, coming to the decision to adopt is not always an easy one.  The path to choosing adoption is usually a path filled with tears, heartache and hurt.  Years of infertility, treatments and failed pregnancies.  By the time this option comes up a lot of times people feel so defeated they don't ever take the steps to move forward or are financially drained from the other treatments and medicines. 
For myself, I never went though the treatments and medicines, we went to 1 appointment to see what our options were, and that was it.  We knew we had a very small chance of me being able to carry a baby and we also had to do egg donation so we had the added expense there.  So we knew that we needed to find another path to parenthood.  We briefly spoke about adoption and then decided we were going to try the foster to adopt route.  We took all of the classes, spent weekend sitting inside during the summer, evenings given up and at the very last class the social worker in charge said something that totally turned us off.  We walked out and looked at each other and was like this was a total waste of a few months.  We took a step back and just thought about our options and did research, ok well I did research.  I looked at agency after agency after agency.  Made call after call after call.  We spoke with so many agencies and heard good things and bad things from each of them.  I won't go into all the details of every reason we didn't choose an agency, it could have varied from the time they said an average match took, it could have been the fees, or the fact they charged different fees based upon race, which I have a major personal issue with.  Finding and choosing an agency is part research and part gut and mostly luck if you ask me.  I can't sit here and say I would do this different or that different because then things would have ended different for us and I can't imagine my life any different than it is today.  I can say if we were ever to try to adopt again I would do things different. 
Once you make a decision on an agency there are a million choices that follow.  I will tell you that you will second guess each and every single one of them.  When you go right you will always think you should have gone left.  It won't be until you are sitting with your baby in your arms that you feel you have made the right decisions the right choices.  It will be then that all the pieces have fallen together. 
Adoption is not a journey for the faint of heart for use.  But the reward in the end is so amazing!

National Adoption Month / Anniversary

It's funny how the emotions of certain days never leave you.  It was 3 years ago today that we were officially matched with Noah's birth mother.   We had been in contact with her for a few weeks but were waiting on the agency to meet with her and get a good feeling of things.  Any match situation is a leap of faith to say the least but to go in and match with a birth mother across the country that you will never meet until the the baby is born 3 months later can be very scary.  The emotions still hit me this time every year like it was just last week.  I was so sure the agency was going to tell us it was a bad idea, that it wouldn't work.  As much as I told myself to guard my heart and not get attached and get our hopes up it was hard not to.  It was an instant connection, an instant feeling this is gonna work, this has to work.  God would not let me get my heart get hurt, and he didn't!
I would lie if I said that I think about him being adopted every single day because I don't.  We spend most days living life like a normal family.  We view Noah's birth family as family members we talk to a few times a week.  I don't say this to make them feel any less or down play their roll, but that is what we are 1 big family.  Then when I least expect it the emotions hit me like a ton a bricks, like when we are spending quiet time before bed, or he give me a hug and kiss and calls me mommy!  I know that my best days are mostly likely her worse days.  She shares the joy of holidays and birthday but I also know they come with pain for her, I would be naive to think they didn't.  But I also know she is at peace with her decision and we have worked to have the relationship we have.
Below are some pictures of Noah celebrating National Adoption Month at his amazing daycare!

Love
Melinda

Dear Mom of an Adopted Child

I came across this in a blog the other day and had to share it.  I can't take credit for writing it Kathy Lynn Harris can.  It is like she has been in the heads of every adoptive mother.  I feel it is fitting to share it because it is National Adoption Month.



Dear Mom of an Adopted Child,
I met you in adoption education class. I met you at the agency. I met you at my son’s school. I met you online. I met you on purpose. I met you by accident.
It doesn’t matter. The thing is, I knew you right away. I recognize the fierce determination. The grit. The fight. Because everything about what you have was a decision, and nothing about what you have was easy. You are the kind of woman who Makes.Things.Happen. After all, you made this happen, this family you have.
Maybe you prayed for it. Maybe you had to convince a partner it was the right thing. Maybe you did it alone. Maybe people told you to just be happy with what you had before. Maybe someone told you it simply wasn’t in God’s plans for you to have a child, this child whose hair you now brush lightly from his face. Maybe someone warned you about what happened to their cousin’s neighbor’s friend. Maybe you ignored them.
Maybe you planned for it for years. Maybe an opportunity dropped into your lap. Maybe you depleted your life-savings for it. Maybe it was not your first choice. But maybe it was.
Regardless, I know you. And I see how you hold on so tight. Sometimes too tight. Because that’s what we do, isn’t it?
I know about all those books you read back then. The ones everyone reads about sleep patterns and cloth versus disposable, yes, but the extra ones, too. About dealing with attachment disorders, breast milk banks, babies born addicted to alcohol, cocaine, meth. About cognitive delays, language deficiencies. About counseling support services, tax and insurance issues, open adoption pros and cons, legal rights.
I know about the fingerprinting, the background checks, the credit reports, the interviews, the references. I know about the classes, so many classes. I know the frustration of the never-ending paperwork. The hours of going over finances, of having garage sales and bake sales and whatever-it-takes sales to raise money to afford it all.
I know how you never lost sight of what you wanted.
I know about the match call, the soaring of everything inside you to cloud-height, even higher. And then the tucking of that away because, well, these things fall through, you know.
Maybe you told your mother, a few close friends. Maybe you shouted it to the world. Maybe you allowed yourself to decorate a baby’s room, buy a car seat. Maybe you bought a soft blanket, just that one blanket, and held it to your cheek every night.
I know about your home visits. I know about your knuckles, cracked and bleeding, from cleaning every square inch of your home the night before. I know about you burning the coffee cake and trying to fix your mascara before the social worker rang the doorbell.
And I know about the followup visits, when you hadn’t slept in three weeks because the baby had colic. I know how you wanted so badly to show that you had it all together, even though you were back to working more-than-full-time, maybe without maternity leave, without the family and casseroles and welcome-home balloons and plants.
And I’ve seen you in foreign countries, strange lands, staying in dirty hotels, taking weeks away from work, struggling to understand what’s being promised and what’s not. Struggling to offer your love to a little one who is unsettled and afraid. Waiting, wishing, greeting, loving, flying, nesting, coming home.
I’ve seen you down the street at the hospital when a baby was born, trying to figure out where you belong in the scene that’s emerging. I’ve seen your face as you hear a nurse whisper to the birthmother that she doesn’t have to go through with this. I’ve seen you trying so hard to give this birthmother all of your respect and patience and compassion in those moments—while you bite your lip and close your eyes, not knowing if she will change her mind, if this has all been a dream coming to an abrupt end in a sterile environment. Not knowing if this is your time. Not knowing so much.
I’ve seen you look down into a newborn infant’s eyes, wondering if he’s really yours, wondering if you can quiet your mind and good sense long enough to give yourself over completely.
And then, to have the child in your arms, at home, that first night. His little fingers curled around yours. His warm heart beating against yours.
I know that bliss. The perfect, guarded, hopeful bliss.
I also know about you on adoption day. The nerves that morning, the judge, the formality, the relief, the joy. The letting out of a breath maybe you didn’t even know you were holding for months. Months.
I’ve seen you meet your child’s birthparents and grandparents weeks or years down the road. I’ve seen you share your child with strangers who have his nose, his smile … people who love him because he’s one of them. I’ve seen you hold him in the evenings after those visits, when he’s shaken and confused and really just wants a stuffed animal and to rest his head on your shoulder.
I’ve seen you worry when your child brings home a family tree project from school. Or a request to bring in photos of him and his dad, so that the class can compare traits that are passed down, like blue eyes or square chins. I know you worry, because you can protect your child from a lot of things — but you can’t protect him from being different in a world so intent on celebrating sameness.
I’ve seen you at the doctor’s office, filling out medical histories, leaving blanks, question marks, hoping the little blanks don’t turn into big problems later on.
I’ve seen you answer all of the tough questions, the questions that have to do with why, and love, and how much, and where, and who, and how come, mama? How come?
I’ve seen you wonder how you’ll react the first time you hear the dreaded, “You’re not my real mom.” And I’ve seen you smile softly in the face of that question, remaining calm and loving, until you lock yourself in the bathroom and muffle your soft cries with the sound of the shower.
I’ve seen you cringe just a little when someone says your child is lucky to have you. Because you know with all your being it is the other way around.
But most of all, I want you to know that I’ve seen you look into your child’s eyes. And while you will never see a reflection of your own eyes there, you see something that’s just as powerful: A reflection of your complete and unstoppable love for this person who grew in the midst of your tears and laughter, and who, if torn from you, would be like losing yourself.
--Kathy Lynn Harris

The little things

There are so many times in life we all take the little things for granted.  For example I call my mother every day sometimes several times a day and never thought how lucky I was to just be able to do that.  Then in January when she had surgery I couldn't be there and she wasn't able to talk on the phone those few days of not being able to hear her voice hit me really hard!  What would I do without her, then it hit me my husband hasn't hear either of his parents voices in years.  Neither ever had the opportunity to meet his son!  How lucky mine are to see him grow everyday.
I take for granted I have food in my stomach and clothes on my back.  Yes most times Joe and I live pay check to pay check.  And times that isn't enough but for the most part not one of the 3 of us go without something.  We both have cars that run (for now anyway) a roof over our head and the love of family around us.
In talking to Noah's birth mother a few weeks ago about what we were getting our mother's for Mother's Day and what I thought Noah and Joe would get me this year it hit me with something she said.  I mean I LOVE the fact that she is comfortable enough to say what is Noah gonna get his mommy for Mother's Day!  I mean I want to cry now thinking about it, this is the woman who carried this child for 9 months and loved him and cared for him.  To say what is he gonna get his mommy and that happens to be me not her, wow!  I always tell people when they say I don't understand why you care, or why you talk to her, look at it this way.  She is a mommy in a way I never could be, and I am a mommy in a way she couldn't be at the time and together we are a perfect match for Noah.  Think about the love she had, to have for this child, to be able to say I can't care for him and place him in the arms of a woman she had know for 3 months and only met in person 48 hours before that.
In the conservation with her that evening we talked about the things Noah is doing as he is growing.  How he is learning something new everyday and learning colors, numbers, animals, and animal sounds.  Is he right handed or left (she is left that is why she asked).  Little things that most people would never even think to notice.  When I said he seems to be that he is going to be right handed because now that he is holding crayons and stuff it is with his right hand she said those are the things I miss, the scribbled on coloring pages that they think are master pieces!  We talked a little longer said our good-byes and made plans to talk soon!
A few nights later as I was standing in my kitchen cleaning up for the night I turned to get Noah's milk from the frig and I looked at all his Master Pieces he brings home daily from daycare.  I thought, God am I lucky to have my frig covered in these, all because of her!  But for weeks I have taken them for granted and thrown the old ones out as new ones come, let's be honest you can only keep so many of them.  So over the past couple weeks as the old ones come down they have been put in a special place in our home and kept to send to a special woman on a special day coming up.
I am secure enough in my position in Noah's life as his mother to say he is her flesh and blood I can't change that, nor would I want to!  The day before Mother's Day is Birth Mother's Day, yes is it a real day, and she will be receiving the little things in the mail from "our" amazing little boy!
So stop and enjoy the little things once in a while, out there someone is dying to just be able to experience them!

Love
Melinda

Adoption Blogger Interview Project 2013

Last year I had such a great time and experience with the Interview exchange I couldn't wait until this November and Adoption Month came around.  I made a life long friend with my partner Susan last year from Susan & Mitch hope to Adopt.  There were so many people who signed up this year it was broken down into 3 groups, you can find a listing of them all here.  You can also read all the interviews from the 3rd group which I am a part of here.

This year I was matched with Kelly from Surprised By Hope.  Kelly and her husband are the parents to two daughters S who is 4 and A who is just a few months old; both added to their family through domestic adoption.  It was a joy reading Kelly's blog and catch up on the past 5 years of the process to adopt S her growing up and the journey to adopt A.  She blogs about her faith in the Lord, everyday life, raising two daughters in a transracial family and many other things.  There were so many funny joyful moments but there were moments I had tears in my eyes because as a female waiting to adopt I knew how she felt, as a woman not being able to have children I knew how she felt.  The one that got me the worse was a moment when S met her baby sister A and as a mother I knew she she felt with some of the questions S asked.  I really hope you stop over and check her blog out.  I look forward to following along with her now.  You can also read my interview at her page as well at Surprised By Hope.  

Have you been able to take any time off work with the placement of A?  If so how long and have you gone back to work yet?
  I was able to take about 2.5-3 weeks off work. Definitely not the full 12 weeks I had with our oldest daughter. But for any new people stopping by my blog for the first time we had an adoption placement from foster care at the beginning of the year that did not work out (for privacy reasons I took down those posts and can not share details publicly) and I used up a lot of my FMLA. So I didn't have much time left. But I tried to make the most of my time home with her. Then my Mom came down from Ohio to care for her for my first week back to work, then my husband's mom who lives nearby kept her for 2 weeks too. So that has been a huge blessing. 

When we were filling out our profile information during our homestudy I have to admit it was very hard to decide what to do when the question of race came up.  We live in a 99% white community.  We were worried about our child fitting in if they were of another race.  We felt life is hard enough on it's own and then to add in a factor that could be controlled was hard, we did end up saying yes and decided we would move if we had to. God had led us this far he would help us through that too.  How hard was that decision for you?

 I grew up in a multiracial extended family and I grew up in the North in a diverse city. I was also the child who always played with all the dolls that didn't look like me. I knew from a very young age I wanted to adopt and I was pretty sure they wouldn't look like me. After we married we moved into a diverse part of town intentionally. I felt very uncomfortable in some ways being in an all white community. So we intentionally bought our house a couple years ago in a diverse neighborhood with diverse schools, and have chosen diverse doctors/dentist offices and a very diverse church. But I can completely understand families who are not in the same place we are. I believe every child needs a home, no matter the race, and prospective adoptive parents need to really think long and hard about all of the numerous lists you have to go through on the paperwork. I think it would be a very different life for our girls if they were the only children who looked like them growing up. 

I know you said you had a comment made to you when S was a baby do you still run into that?

I haven't run into it lately. I think part of that was that we were so young when we adopt S. I think people thought they could say anything they felt like and she was too little to understand them. As she's gotten older the comments have stopped for the most part. The comments we get now are more about whether we will adopt again or if we will try to conceive, but of course they aren't always the terms that we believe are appropriate around our girls. 

I love the fact you have an open adoption with S's birth mother, it seems as if it has come so easy for you.  I know it is new with A's birth mother but do you see the same type of relationship with her down the road?

We love our open adoption with S's birth mother/first mom. For the most part it has come easy. The first year was the hardest. I had a hard time with guilt--my greatest joy is her greatest pain. And I was so worried before every visit. But once we got there and we saw each other everything went smoothly. And the planned 2 hour visit turned into an all day event. So I do hope that we have the same relationship with A's first mom. One of the reasons she chose us is because she loved our open adoption with A's first mom. I think it will take a little more work because of distance, but we have stayed in touch. Again, I think emotions for everyone run so high the first year, and everyone is trying to settle into their "role" in A's life. I just try to fulfill our promises to the best of our ability and pray that she continues to find peace in her decision. 

I gathered from your blog that A was born in the same town that S's birth family is in, do you know if the birth mother's stayed in touch to support each other?

So yes, the girl's first families are in the same town. We just had a visit with S's first mom a couple weeks ago and I asked if they had kept in touch. But they didn't exchange numbers when they met. So no, so far they haven't. I'm sure if we go back to visit we'd do something together at least once again. I know they both love seeing the girls together. :) 

I have to admit I sat and had tears in my eyes when you said that S asked what would happen if A got bigger and they fought more or less.  You were correct that  growing a family through adoption is different.  I don't think there is a right or wrong answer because each situation is so different.  But knowing what effect it has on S would you still be open to taking at risk placement from the foster system again? 

I feel like this is the our biggest question right now, and one we wrestle with still. After the siblings left in April I swore I'd never be able to do it again unless they could return to us. But to be honest I still find myself looking at the 100,000 kids waiting in the US foster care who are legally free for adoption, so no risk. And I have a hard time saying, no- we will never do foster adoption again. I think we made some mistakes in how we prepared S for the process. And we didn't realize how much it would affect her and she's such a deep thinker. I think we'd have to give her a bigger voice in our decision and I think we'd do a lot more to prepare her for the possibility that they may not be her forever brothers/sisters. That we will love them while they are here. Now we are trying to soak up every day with our two girls. Because we never know what tomorrow may bring. 

I would like to thank Heather at Open Adoption Bloggers for having such a great website for everyone involved in adoption to gather and get to know each other.   With out her I would not have found so many amazing women I can relate to.

Family

The other day I was sorting through our mail that came it was the usual bills, sales flyer's and junk mail.  Then mixed in with it all was an orange envelope, I knew the writing before I even looked at the return address.  It was from Noah's grandparents in Las Vegas.  I know alot of people wonder and ask why do you call them his grandparents, well because they are.  I believe in my heart that my parents are secure enough in the relationship they have with Noah to share him.  I will be honest we hadn't seen Noah's birth family since he was born almost 2 years ago.  But we all knew going into it with the distance that is the way it was going to be.  We also all talked about the roles we would play in Noah's life before hand and what we were all comfortable being known as.  Them not wanting to step on anyone's toes with titles and us not wanting to down play the role they had in Noah's life.  She was very cautious and gracious when she asked, "what would you like us to call our self's?"
I think the thing that helped with all of us setting bounds and talking about things so early was they are adoptive parents as well.  I don't know if I have talked about this in the past or not but Noah's birth mother was adopted as well.  So her parents know the emotions and feeling of an adoptive parent trying to move in adoption.  The sad part for them was her adoption was a fully closed adoption so they never really had to address these issues but knew how they felt.  D was coming from a place of being a mother and also an adoptee and knew what questions and feeling she has, and wanted to be there for Noah when he had them.  Open adoption was a complete foreign thing to all of us!  But D, Joe and I all knew it was something we wanted, so we would figure it out.  The work was worth it to all of us; not to say there hasn't been bumps along the way; and that there won't be down the road.  I hope that as the years pass we can continue with the relationship we have with them.  I know I could very well have changed my phone number the second I boarded a plane leaving Las Vegas and never looked back.  I have nothing that legally makes me send anyone pictures.  I do have something far more important than a piece of paper that makes me do it, I have my word that I gave to a frightened mother and her family in a hospital almost 2 years ago.  I couldn't live with myself if I went back on my word, because some day I will have to answer to Noah and to God. And the judgement of those two mean more to me than cutting his family out of my life; even IF I wanted to.
I write this on the eve of the day that marks 2 years since D "walked" into our life's and changed them forever!  Two years ago I went to bed on the night of my favorite Holiday depressed and crying.  I had sat in my house in complete darkness trying to shut the world around me out.  I was at the lowest point I had ever been in my life!  The following day I got an email that changed everything!  On this Halloween night two years later I am celebrating my favorite Holiday with my son who happens to be turning 21 months old today!  He has been such a blessing and joy to our entire family, in PA and Las Vegas!


Love
Melinda

Reason, Season, Lifetime

There is a saying; People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.  When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is usually to meet a need you have expressed.   They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.  They may seem like a godsend, and they are!  They are there for the reason you need them to be.  Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.  Sometimes they die.  Sometimes they walk away.  Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.  What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.  The prayer you sent up has been answered.  And now it is time to move on.  When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.  They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.  They may teach you something you have never done.  They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.  Believe it! It is real!  But, only for a season.  LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.  Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.  It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
I have really been having a hard time trying to find a direction for my blog.  Adoption will always be a part of my life, but it just isn't my life.  I don't want to just walk away or turn my back on this or even the topic of adoption, but I need to find other things too.  Through adoption I have met and become close with others.  What started out as adoption support has turned into some friendships.  It is amazing how you can be apart of someones life to help guide them, and then it turns from support to friendship.  To a friendship of telling her things I don't tell my family.  She supports me in everything in my life and we have never even met in person and I would consider her one of my best friends.  As I am sure it is that way with a lot of others who have built a great friendship from support of adoption.  It is also sad how sometimes that support can't move past just that, adoption support.  And that is ok that if it doesn't, I have always promised support and understanding with this blog.  I also promised honesty and truth.  I will never stop that and I will never turn my back to anyone that asks about our adoption and wants support during their own process.  I started this blog for that reason so I can't say it is wrong.
I love having the support of other adoptive families to turn to when I need it.  But I don't want adoption to define who I am and who Noah is.  I want to have other interests and things in my life; and I want the same for Noah.  I don't want Noah to only know adoptive kids and it be the only thing that we talk about and do in our home.
I know that Noah being adopted is something that will always be there, it is something we will never hide from him.  But it is not something we will shove down his throat either.  I know that he is very young right now and we plan to let him take the lead on it down the road.  One of the promises I made to his birth mother was he would live a normal adjusted life.  He will have every opportunity we can give to him given.  He will never be lied to about who he is or how he came to be apart of our family.  He will be given the choice to have a relationship with her when he is ready for it.  He will also live as normal as a life as he can.
Maybe I would have a different way of thinking if we had support groups and a larger amount of people we know who have adopted in our immediate town but there isn't.  We have made friends with other families who had adopted, but our friendships have developed beyond just adoption.  In fact it isn't something we talk about when we see each other.  It is about kids getting together and playing.  But it is something they will all be able to relate to each other when they get older and have questions. 
With all that said I hope that everyone will stay along for the ride of where ever this blog goes.  I can’t promise it will be something great and amazing.  But I will promise as always it will be honest, truthful and me.  That is all I have to offer and I hope that it is enough for everyone.

 

Love

Melinda

 

 

 

Where to go from here

I have spent a lot of time thinking over the past few weeks as to if it is maybe time to just bow out from the blog.  When I started this it was to keep family and friends informed about how our adoption was going.  It then turned into more of a, this is what the adoption process is like.  Even the first year was look how much Noah has grown and this is where things are at with the finalization of the adoption. 

Here we are just a few days away from Noah’s adoption being finalized for 1 year!  He is 19 and ½ months old and what is there really to talk about. 

Yes Noah is growing into an amazing little boy.  He is climbing onto everything, and most things he should be.  He has learned if he sticks his toes in the links on the baby gate on the steps he can get himself up high enough to get over it.  The dog’s cage has become his personal step ladder to get things we try to keep up from him.  The middle of the dinning room table has become his own personal winners block and he stands on it all the time.  I am pretty sure some day I am going to find him pulling on the blades of the fan above the table.  As much as these things drive me crazy I know it is part of him growing and they are exciting to me at least.  But do other people want to hear about it? 

We do have contact with Noah’s birth family but to be honest it is pretty minimal, so it isn't like I have that to talk about.  I don’t think it is any 1 person’s fault that contact has slowed down, but it has happened.  Our life is busy with 2 working parents and a 19 month old.  They are just as busy and have just as many things going on.  I wish we were in contact more but life happens I guess.  We don’t avoid each other and when 1 or the other reaches out the other always answers back.  I am sure distance has a lot to do with it and it makes it hard for visits and things.  I hope in the future we do get to visit with them. 

So this is where I am at, where is there to go from here?  I have met so many amazing people and know it is because of my blog.  But what is left to say?  What do people really want to hear.

Melinda 

To perfect update

As many of you will remember a while back I wrote a post To perfect?  It was about a specific agency trying to portray themselves as better than the next.  I read alot of the information on their website and emailed them and I finally got a few emails back. 
One of the big things I noticed was the lack of involvement for the birth family.  I asked about openness and contact with birth families after placement and they said they do not encourage it but if you feel the need to have it they strongly encourage that you stop all contact and communication after the age of 3.  They feel it is harmful to the child's development and growth.  I don't really get the logic and thinking behind that to be honest.  I don't see how having some openness is going to hurt them developmentally or with their growth.  Are they saying at the age of 3 you should never speak of the fact your child was adopted again.  What is this like the 1960's?  People don't/can't hide this any more like they did before.  I think not having their birth mother for a child to have some sort of communication with when the time comes for them to ask questions, and they will, will cause more developmental problems than having her there. 
I have said it before I don't think open adoption is perfect, you most defiantly have to find a perfect balance in it.  It is hard to set boundaries, people most defiantly get hurt.  The highs and lows of adoptive parents and birth parents are never going to be in sync.  As an adoptive parent the highs of birthdays, holidays, first words, first foods, walking, hearing them say mama, Dada are ALWAYS going to be lows for a birth parent.  Think about it they are missing out on that BUT with open adoption they still get to be a part of it, it doesn't make it easier but they still get to experience it.  So to say to cut all contact after the age of 3 is the best for all involve is best I don't get it.  I know you have experienced alot of firsts at that point but there are still so many to come.
Maybe it is easy for me to say this and fee this way, Noah's birth mother is half way across the country and we have not seen her since Noah was 4 days old.  BUT we do talk on the phone send text messages, share photos on a photo bucket account, with her and her mother.  We hope we get to have a visit some day.  And they both have expressed how hard it is, in fact the other night when I was talking to Noah's birth grandmother she said she watches the video of Noah walking for the first time all the time and wants to write him a note so he has it and ends up having to close the screen and walking away she can't do it it's to hard, and that is ok, she will some day.  People always say why do you still talk to them, I say well put yourself in their shoes, you have this perfect little person you loved and gave birth to and gave him to a family you knew only from talking on the phone for like 3 months, met 2 days before he was born but you trusted them with his life!  And he is out there some where but you can't ever see him, talk to him or know how he is doing because they chose to not let you know.  Pretty messed up right.  Think about it that way next time you wonder.   
We don't have a perfect relationship it has alot of ups and downs and I don't know where we will be in 6 months or 6 years down the road.  But I know as sure as I am sitting here I will not say at age 3 I am done goodbye.   So for anyone who is reading this and in the process of finding an agency,  thinking of adoption, trying decide what type of adoption you want try to think of down the road and put yourself in her position and think about what you would want if you were on the other side of the table.  You would want treated with respect and kindness, you would want honestly and truth.  Not to be told yes we will do that just for someone to get your baby and then never hold up to what they told you they would do.  I know things change but at least start out trying to do the things you said you would do and use an agency that keeps her rights in mind as well.

Love
Melinda

Noah update

I realized the other day I haven't wrote a post for a few weeks.  I have had so much going on yet not a lot to write about.  I know that makes SO much sense (insert roll of the eyes).  But really there hasn't been. 
Noah is growing like crazy.  He was 16 months old on Friday; I have no idea where the time has gone.  He had our first ER visit about 3 weeks ago, not an experience I am in a rush to have again.  I was home alone when it happened and was not able to get the bleeding stopped to see where it was coming from let alone get him calmed down and me calmed down.  Thank God my cousin was home and was able to come and help me out.  He didn't need stitches and things have healed up very nice.
When he has his check up the beginning of May he was over 30 inches long and was 24 lbs.  He is growing right on track.  And it never fails something they think could be a concern he decides to the night we leave or the very next day.  At his visit the nurse decides to tell the doctor him walking should be a concern.  Noah has been "walking" for months to be honest.  Holding on to push toys, chairs, walls he just wouldn't do it on his own.  I didn't really push the issue and the doctor was less than happy she said it the way she did with us there.  To say the least the following week he took off!  He is walking everywhere he can.  Crawling onto the furniture and standing at the windows, chasing the dogs, you name it. 
We have been trying to get him on to a Sippy cup for awhile now but couldn’t find one he would take, because to be honest he was being lazy and wouldn’t tip the cup and his head back to drink from it.  We had finally found on that had a straw in it he would drink from a few months ago.  Well last week I tried one of the other ones we had at the house we got as a gift for is milk for his afternoon nap and it was a hit!  We now only use a bottle at bed time and I feel 100% sure I could lose that one if I wanted to but I can’t bring myself to do it.  It is like once the bottles are gone my baby is gone and I am so not ready for that. 

He loves to be outside and is at the door the minute we get home at night to get outside, never mind the fact we all need to eat dinner first.  Coming in at night to bath is a fight since it is light out until close to 9 at night now. 

So that is my Noah update for now!

To perfect?

Picture the setting.  A perfectly painted room with stenciled bible verses on the wall and pictures of "perfect" families all around it.  Turn to view the hall way, here comes a smiling social worker carrying the perfect baby all dressed in white, to round the corner to find the parents waiting with anticipation to meet "their" baby for the first time.  Did I mention this has all been taped by the agency and then promptly posted to their website, facebook page and you tube for all to see.  All a little to "perfect", all a little to staged for me.  As much as people would like to think this is how it happens, and adoption is always this picture perfect thing it isn't.  Yes it is an amazing moment but not always picture perfect.
First let me start by saying this is in no way sour grapes; I have an amazingly beautiful son and am more than happy with that.  I also am well aware of the fact that the adoptive parents would need to sign some sort of consent to have this done.  Yes it is a great moment to have on video but that is something a family member could have taped for you to have, if they had been aloud in the room.  What I do have a problem with is them trying to paint a false picture of what it is really like.  That there is no sadness in the adoption process, that no one ever has any hurt or heartache in adoption.  I do have a problem with them using a moment like that to benefit their agency to make it look like they are something better than anyone else.  In all the videos I watched I never saw a video that appeared to be a special needs baby.  I feel if you are going to represent your agency you should do it in a way to represent all babies.  Not just the perfect healthy babies who round off that picture perfect family. 
My mind keeps going back to the birth mothers and how they may not be taken into consideration by doing this. From my understanding they are not there and have already signed TPR prior to it and very well may not know these are being made until after the fact.  I am stating the obvious here I am not a birth mother so maybe it is something that would make them feel better if they saw their child being accepted by a loving family, I don't know.  I think that it could be hard to see that, and once it is out there in the world wide web it is bound to be seen.  Maybe not next week, next month or next year but I do think it would eventually be seen by someone who know her.
I do know how Noah's birth mother was the day she signed TPR and we signed our papers, I am pretty sure it was the worse day of her life!  I know the entire time we were signing our papers my mind kept going to her and thinking about her pain.  I remember the night we boarded a plane to return home and seeing her one last time saying good-bye, knowing that we would not just be down the road with Noah.  It has been 15 months since that night and I still think of it often and remember her heartache.  I am pretty sure if you ask her today if she still has heartache of it she will tell you yes.  So to play it off as if that doesn't happen is just crazy to me.  Maybe I over analyze things, maybe I care way to much, but all of this just didn't sit well with me. 
I do have to say I have emailed the agency several times and asked questions to try to paint a different picture for me than the one above and I keep getting blown off.  They will get back to me soon with answers, they are to busy to do it now, I have several emails to that effect, so it leaves me believe nothing other than the opinion I have formed on my own. 
So does it look way to perfect, I think so!

Melinda

**If I do ever get a response to my emails I will write a follow up post about them**

Travel for placement

I often see adoptive parents asking about travel for placement and I even get emails about our experience with it.  I am sure each person is different on what they found to work and be helpful for them, but this is what worked for us and.... well what didn't.
We were lucky enough to have a date to be able to buy our plane tickets.  Don't get me wrong at any time we could have gotten the call to come now, but "D" had a scheduled C section that was two weeks before her due date.
My advise on the plane tickets is buy direct from the airline.  I found that they were actually a little cheaper and a little more willing to work with you if you had to change things without charging a penalty.  We used Delta and can not say a bad thing.  They were very easy to deal with.  On the way home they gave Noah a seat on the plane that we should have paid for free of charge and allowed 2 pieces of luggage for free. 
On the way out we had a stroller bag that had the stroller, car seat and base in it.  We figured even the price of the bag and paying the $25.00 fee for luggage we going to be ahead.  Renting one from the car rental place for $27.00 a day can add up fast if you spend several weeks there.  Plus when we came home it was 2 different plane rights one being 6 hours and 1 an the 2nd like 2 hours without the car seat on the plane we would have had to hold him the entire time.  Upon arriving at the airport and telling them what was in it, they never charged for it so we sent it for nothing.  It was nice to have it for coming home as well because we were able to use it for the extra baby things we had bought while in Vegas.  We were not charged to sent it back either.
A good hotel will make all the difference!  We stayed at an amazing Marriott Towne Place Suites, they were so amazing to deal with.  Having the amenities of an apartment made all the difference.  We had a full kitchen which made it nice to have meals and bottle cleaning.  The frig was great to have to keep drinks, snacks and food cold so we didn't have to use vending machines.  They had a small breakfast each morning of different muffins, bagels, English muffins & cereals.  It also had juices, coffee and milk, so that helped save a little on meals.  They had a outdoor gas grill you could use and a several nice sitting areas indoors and out.  There were 2 computers with Internet access in the lobby to if you don't want to travel with a computer.  They had a pac in play they brough right to our room for us and gave us several clean sheets and blankets to use, and checked on the each day when they came and cleaned the room.  Anything we needed was right there for us.
Another thing we learning the hard way, don't over pack.  When you hear you could be there for several weeks you sort of panic.  I would say pack a few staple items, a few days of undergarments, maybe 2 or 3 pairs of jeans and a couple pair of lounging pants and a few tops.  I never gave thought to the fact that with a newborn we would have laundry, at least a load a day so I would say save on space in the car and the luggage you need to ship and pack a smart. 
Don't pack, diapers, wipes and stuff like that for the baby.  You can buy that once you get there and save space in your luggage.  I would say only pack like 4 bottles to, yes it is alot more dishes while in the hotel but again less stuff to lug along.  The hospital Noah was born at used ready mixed formula similar to this.  They actually sent like 2 or 3 12 packs home with us for the first few day, I say save some of them for the plane ride home.  It was so great to just take the top off put the nipple on and toss it.  There was no hassle in security with it, as there might be if you had the powdered, plus you need to worry about water and possibly having to warm it.  With these there was no hassle at all which was nice. 
Just remember there is a box store on every other street in most places so you can always buy a few items of clothing for you and the baby.  I know that because we had to for Noah because everything we took for him was way to big and we had to go get some smaller size things anyway.  I know that I am missing alot of  things and I will write them down as I remember then and do another post at a later date, these were the big things I could remember.

Melinda

All that matters

There are about a million other things I could be or should be doing right now while Noah is sleeping but here I sit.  I have been thinking about this post for a few days now and just haven't had time to sit and write it.

We have been trying very hard to have families that have adopted, are in the process of adopting or will be adopting in our lives.  Not to down play the other relationships or people in our lives but we do want to have those relationships in our lives too.  No matter how hard someone tries they don't know what the shoes we have walked in are like unless they have walked too.  Not only do we want it for us we want Noah to have other children to relate to in this area of his life down the road too.  Like I said before, we have amazing people in our life who have shown such support and love to Joe and I, but the love they have for Noah is beyond words.

A few months ago we were connected with a family from our area that was in the process of adopting.  She and I have been in touch for a few months via email and facebook.  It had been a busy summer for both of our families.  Us with finalizing Noah's adoption and them planning for a placement!  Finally after weeks of communication, earlier this week our families finally got to meet.  I have to say leading up to the meeting I spent sometime thinking about how in some ways our journey was the same and is so many ways it was different.  I was worried that our feelings, experience and views would be so different on things, more so the agency that we would not hit it off. They would not want to talk to us again or see us again.  We had used the same agency and had very different experiences and I was really worried about that.  Just a short time into the meeting I realized my worried were going to be unfounded, and quiet honestly able to finish each others thoughts and feelings on some things.  This got me to thinking, we have several couples we are friends with, well more the wifes are friends, that have adopted.  We each started our path at the same place, maybe all for different reasons, or not so different reasons, and ended in the same place.  We have had twists and turns along the way, some of us more than others, some of us took longer than others.  Heck one of the couples wasn't even really looking to adopt when they got matched with their second child but God had other plans.  Some of us started with the same agency and that is how we meet, some walked away with a great experience and other not so happy.  But we all still have a common bond the same feelings, the same start and finish and that is what really matters isn't it?  We are here to support each other and be there for each other as we navigate the world of adoption.  Sometimes we can relate directly with each other and other times we can't but what matters is we are all there for each other.  To listen to the other cry when need be, to celebrate for each other and to lend an ear and really that is what friendship is about right.  Just think if we were all the same had the same experiences and live the same life.   

The great thing is all of the families have adopted boys all with in a few months of each other so I am looking forward to them growing and hopefully becoming friends, and having each other's backs too. 

Anyway, we had a great visit and she and I are even looking into trying to start an adoption support group in our area since there are none here.  I am looking forward to moving through these relationships.

Love

Melinda

Time goes so fast

Wow is it really July!  I just realized that it has been a month since I lasted posted, and I remember saying I was going to be better about it.  I guess easier said than done. 

The month of June was a busy one for us and I think that is how I lost track of time.  Plus the heat has been crazy that is drains every ounce of energy a person has.

Noah was baptised on Father's Day and things went well.  I do have to say that morning when we got to church and realized that it had been moved to the basement I was not happy but after a little pep talk from my mom I quickly realized it was not about where it took place but that it took place and that the people who have supported us and loved Noah were there.  We had been planing a surprise 60th birthday party for my dad for months for that day to being with so we were able to use Noah as a cover for it.  It worked perfect.  We were able to spent the day with our family and celebrate.

He is getting so big and I swear grows over night sometimes.  He also learns something new each day, which sort of makes me sad in some ways.  The other night when I was feeding him before bed I was just sitting watching him and realized that I don't remember him being a small tiny baby and that makes me so sad because it wasn't that long ago.  I remember sitting in the hospital in Las Vegas trying to memorize every detail of him not wanting to ever forget him.  At that moment it was because I didn't know if I would be able to call him my son.  But some how it has slipped away.  I went and looked at our pictures from then trying to bring it back.  The thing that makes me sad is when I look at the pictures it bring back the memory of the stress and worry of what was going on and what would happen.  Yes things worked out, amazingly but still it is hard to remember the good from then. 

We got the news we were waiting for the week after his baptism from Las Vegas, that the hearing had taken place and the unknown birth father's rights had been terminated.  So the only thing left is the last two home visits, one is scheduled for this Thursday and then finalization.  Noah has always been our son and there is no questions for anyone once you seen Noah with Joe and I that he loves us.  But it will be nice to have it legalized, because in most situations we don't really have alot of rights at this point. 

 Other than that we are just loving our time with Noah and watching him grow.   He learns something new each day, but I long for the days passed.  We waited so very long for him and he is growing so fast.

 

Love

Melinda

Still Here.....

I just realized the last update on Noah was when he was 8 weeks old, I am sorry I have not been such a good blogger and I am going to make a better effort to keep up.  Noah is now 4 months old, where does the time go?  He is getting so big, he was 25 inches long and weighted 13 lbs when he was at the doctor on May 31st.  He has rolled over a few times in the past week or so.  His hands and feet are the most amazing things to him and seem to appear magically each day, several times a day.  I have created a monster by chewing on his toes so much  that the minute he hears my voice he sticks his feet straight up in the air for me to chew them.  Then today he found out his foot can reach his own mouth!  He is more vocal and loves to "tell" stories.  He has this deep giggle too when you get him started.  He has a temper like no ones business.  We were able to start "solids" this week and have been giving him carrots, he loves them.  Next week we get to try bananas.

Noah is being baptized on Father's Day!  It is very important to Joe and I and we are glad we are able to get this done.  Our church and church family have been such a big part of our lives and our journey and we want to share this day with them.  For me to have this day come is extra special in the fact I never thought that I would have MY child baptized because I never thought I would have one.  Plus the fact that I was baptized, had my confirmation and got married in this church; so it is extra special for me.

We only have 2 visits left before our hearing for finalization of the adoption can be scheduled.  According to our social worker Meaghan we should be finalized by October at the latest.  We only have one more hurdle that we need to get over and we should have news on that any time now.  Our social worker does not expect any problems with it and it is more a formality but it is still scary that something can still keep us from becoming a legal family.  It's funny how each state's court system works.  The are two other fellow blogger s that each have son's; one was born in October of last year and has no court date for finalization in site.  The other's son was born two weeks after Noah and her adoption of her son was finalized weeks ago.  All three of us finalized in different states and have each had to deal with our struggles.  When I get frustrated that we are not finalized like our one blogger friend, I realized how lucky we are to at least have a date in sight.  I think she is handling things much better than I would be if I were her so you go girl!  I am using  you as my source of strength in this all!

It's funny as our visits come to an end and things are starting to wind down we keep getting asked from both agencies, will you do this again?  Have you thought about going back on the "waiting" list?  I would love to say without a doubt we would do it again, but I can't.  It is a very expensive process and with Joe being out of work for almost a year, the chances of having the money to do it again are pretty slim.  I will have to say he and I agree at this moment there are only 2 ways we would 100% without a doubt do it again.  The first is if D would call us down the road, yes we would do it.  The second is if our social worker in Las Vegas would call.  Other than that we don't know.  In no way do I want anyone to think we would not consider or that we do not want to.  I would have 10 kids if I were able to do it.  For right now we are going to just enjoy Noah and take things one step at a time.  God know what the master plan is and if it is in his plan for us to have another child then it will happen.  I would in no way change how things have turned out trust me, Noah is my life, but the process of adoption is such an intrusive and emotion thing, so I think I need a little recovery time as well, but that is a different story for a different day.

Here are a few pictures of our growing baby.  I promise that I am going to carve more time out to keep on top of things and keep you all updated, since you have all been so supportive and amazing on the hard part of the road, you deserve news on the good part.

Love,

Melinda 

[slideshow]

First Mother's Day

Sorry I am a little late in posting this.  Better late than never right!

I have never had that oh God its Mother’s Day I want to crawl in a hole and die moments.  Yes, I have always had this ache in my heart to be a mom and some days were worse than others.  Mother’s Day was never one of the bad ones, and I think it was because I have the most amazing mom in the entire world and I focused on it being about her and didn’t have the time to worry or be sad. 

As Mother’s Day came around this year, of course I was excited.  I was talking to Noah one evening and asked him if he got mommy something special for Mother’s Day.  My husband overheard me talking to him and said I need to buy you something?  This turned into an argument over the topic.  The pas couple of years we really haven’t done anything for each other for Birthday’s, our anniversary or Christmas, as we were trying to save money for the adoption.  Then Joe lost in job last July which made it worse, and he is till not back to work.  I tried to explain to him it’s not about spending money.  I downloaded my memory card last week and have over 500 pictures in 3 months time, pick a few and make a collage of pictures, make prints of Noah’s hand or feet so I can frame them, we didn’t get that stuff from the hospital his birthmother has it all.  I have to be honest my husband “doesn’t always get it”. 

Then our agency that did our placement contacted me about a program that they were having for Birth Mother’s Day, which is the day before Mother’s Day.  They understood we could not come back toLas Vegasfor it but it we wanted to participate in anyway we could.  I wrote a letter for them to read about D and also a sent card for them to give to the other birth mother’s who were in attendance. 

So I was having some mixed emotions going into the weekend.  Here was my first Mother’s Day and I was having to guilt my husband into caring about it and was thinking about D.  Saturday when we got up and moving, our entire family was camping, I had checked my email on my phone and also jumped onto facebook as well.  I saw a post about Birth’s Mother’s Day and the program inLas Vegasand I got very emotional.  I cried several times during the day Saturday.  Mostly when I would look at Noah or we would talk about it.  I need to make clear I was emotional not just because of D but for all the birth mother’s.  I have met a lot of couples during this process and follow a lot on blogs.  I know of 5 of us that have been places within the past year, 3 of us with our very first child.  All of our birth mother’s choosing to place for many different reason, but still making the very painful decision to do it and celebrating mother’s day without the child they carried and loved for 9 months.  And giving us all the gift and chance to celebrate our first Mother’s day, which is amazing. 

Needless to say I got it out of my system and woke up Sunday morning feeling pretty good.  I was able to wake up with MY baby on the floor in his cradle beside me sleeping and enjoy it for a few moments.  Joe came around and he and Noah got me a beautiful cross with a heart of diamonds around the cross.  My mother she “got it” so I am hoping it will rub off.  I have always wanted a lilac bush, but not any lilac bush a start off the bush in my parents’ yard that was my grand mothers.  So pappy helped Noah dig it up the other day and gave that to me.

Birth Mother's Day - 5-12-2012

Thinking of the amzing Birth mom who allowed me to become a mom~

You weren't there when I took my first step
You weren't there when I said my first word
You weren't there for my first day of school
You weren't there to tell I met my best friend
You weren't there to cry to when other kids made fun of me
You weren't there when I lost a friend
You weren't there when I started high school
Or when I graduated
You weren't there when I left for college
And when I moved back home it wasn't to your house
You weren't there when I left home again
You weren't there because you love me
You loved me so much you let someone else be there
You let someone else do the things
You didn't think you could do
Because you loved me too much

At Peace

The past 10 weeks have had alot of ups and downs for me emotionally.  As I said before our relationship with "D" at best has been touch and go the past 1o weeks.  Things did not end on such a great note when we left Las Vegas and I have many regrets about it, but I guess what is done is done.  I think the reason it was hard for me to move past that was because I never really was able to tell her how I felt and why I felt the way I did and why I handled things the way I did.  I have wanted to so many times over the past 2 months and have even wrote her a letter explaining things but I really wanted to be able to talk about it with her. 

I know I also said before that I was able to come to terms with it and move past things but I really wasn't.  I was is some way not able to view myself as his mom.  I think the slap me across the face I needed to move on moment was about a week ago when we were at my parents house and my dad was playing with Noah and he said about his big brown eyes and I said "he no doubt has his mom's eyes."  To which my dad said "No he doesn't his mom has blue eyes."  I realized then if I can't view myself as his mom how is anyone else or even Noah.  I had a so to speak come to Jesus moment and really spent sometime in prayer and was ready to just move on.

I know that God answer's prayers, he answered my prayers when my dad had cancer last May, he answered my prayers when my dad was on a vent from a surgery that had complications last October.  And most of all he answered my prayers when D found us and when Noah was born.  He answered my prayer that night when I asked for a chance to have that closure, and I got it.  The next day D got in touch with me.  We had our first real conservation since we left Las Vegas.  It was a good conservation, I got to say the things I needed to say, she got to say she understood.  She also got to say things I needed to hear.  That it is ok to be happy and be his mom.  To love him the way she loves him and to be happy that I am his mom.  Not to feel sad or that I am rubbing it in her face by doing that.  I have only ever felt that kind of peace 1 time before and it was the first night we spent with Noah knowing no one was coming to take him.

Like I said before I keep telling myself that no relationship that offers meaning and true connection is without ups and downs.  And lets face it you can't have someone give you a child without the relationship having meaning and you have a connection.  I also have to remember that she is hurting.  Hurting for reasons that I don't want to go into and for the obvious.  So please once in a while say a prayer for not only her but all birth mothers.  Also remember just because they place their child for adoption doesn't mean they don't love them and care for them.  In fact I feel sometimes that maybe they might love their child more than someone who keeps a child whom they can't care of just because they don't want to hurt. 

I am finally at peace and I know things are going to be ok.  Noah knows who his mom is, he can't find me fast enough when he hears me speak and he is the same way with his daddy too!

Below is a poem that I came across when searching for something else.  It is wrote about a daughter but I think you will get them meaning anyway.

Love

Melinda

 

A Birthmother's Love
by Shelia Davis

 

As I watch my precious child drift off to sleep
My thoughts are with you with love so deep,

 

We prayed that someday a child would come
Although we had no idea where she'd be from

 

You carried her with love beneath your heart
Knowing your lives would be lived apart

 

You searched for parents that could raise her right
to love her, read to her, and kiss her goodnight.

 

When we first met there was such a conncection
You chose us to parent with little hesitation

 

Delivery day came and with that a beautiful dauhter
and we want her to know the love of her birth mother

 

A part of her life we asked you to stay
so she could know you and your loving way

 

For if it weren't for your Love and unselfihness
this bright little child's life we would have missed.

God blessed us beyond our wildest dream's
a child, our family, and you!!

 

 

 

8 Weeks

It has been 8 weeks since our lives were changes forever!  In some ways it has been the shortest 8 weeks and in others the longest.  I am watching my son sleep and stretch as I write this and I am still in awe of him.  How such a little person can change so many lives in such an amazing way.  He is forming such a personality now and for the most part is a happy baby.  Which makes me happy to write because the past couple weeks have been really hard.  He was having major acid reflux and GURD.  He is on 2 different medicines and special formula for it.  At times I really wondered if giving him the meds was worth it.  I can say now that yes they were. 

He makes the cutest little sound when he is happy, like Chewbacca from Star Wars.  He is alot more aware of the things around him and voices.  He also know what he wants and wants it when he wants it no questions asked.  We have found the changing table has magic powers because no matter how mad he is as soon as you lay him on it he is the happiest kid around.

I think he is going to have long arms and legs because most things that fit him size wise to to short in the arms and legs.  He has the darkest brown eyes and plump lips, it is hard to look at him and not be reminded of D because looking into his eyes are like looking into hers.  I am ok with that as strange as it sounds.  Because after my last post I received such amazing support and I know I am his mom and I am secure in that and it is ok if he has her eyes, they were beautiful eyes.

I can't wait to see what the next 4 weeks are going to bring for us.  I hate to see them come but it is going to happen so I might as well enjoy them!

Love

Melinda

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