Monday, April 29, 2013

Find my way home

Lately I have not been in a real great place.  My mental, physical and spiritual health have been really taking a hit.  I just couldn't figure out why I have felt so lost and tired and just beat down.    I have lost my way, in every sense there is to be honest.  Mentally I am just not there right now.  I get so upset and angry at the smallest things.  I fly off the handle so fast, I seem to find happiness in very few things.  To be blunt I hate the person I have become over the past few weeks.  I blame it on stress, being tired, not having enough hours in the day.  But yet I know that is not the problem, then an few nights ago I was lying awake it hit me over the head like a ton of bricks.  I have lost my way spiritually, not in the ha ha spirit way, but my relationship with God.  I have walked off the path that he wants me to follow.  I have tried and tried to go back and see where that spot was, what happened, why it happened, and I have found nothing.  I have always had a faith and a belief but maybe it wasn't what I thought it was, not as strong as I thought it was.  I seem to be steered off path easily and quickly. 
As I was lying there and thought God please help me.  Help me to find my way back to your loving arms, to the way you want me to live.  It is so easy to be temped by sin.  I have become someone I don't like very much, I have lost my way. I know that God was there, he answered me, you know how he answered me?  By letting me see he has always been there and I know what to do to become the person I want to be.  It is also nice to know that no matter how many times you stray that God is willing to accept you back into his arms if you just ask for forgiveness.  I worry about writing these kind of things for fear people will be offended or judge me, and I just am not going to be that way anymore.  I am proud of the things that God has brought to my life and I know I would not have them without my faith.  I am not going to promise I am going to be a "perfect" Christian but let's be honest who is.  We all have faults. 
My wish is for everyone who reads this to not take offence to it but to think about where they are in their relationship with the Lord and think about someone you know who does not have one at all. 



Thursday, April 18, 2013

Travel for placement

I often see adoptive parents asking about travel for placement and I even get emails about our experience with it.  I am sure each person is different on what they found to work and be helpful for them, but this is what worked for us and.... well what didn't.
We were lucky enough to have a date to be able to buy our plane tickets.  Don't get me wrong at any time we could have gotten the call to come now, but "D" had a scheduled C section that was two weeks before her due date.
My advise on the plane tickets is buy direct from the airline.  I found that they were actually a little cheaper and a little more willing to work with you if you had to change things without charging a penalty.  We used Delta and can not say a bad thing.  They were very easy to deal with.  On the way home they gave Noah a seat on the plane that we should have paid for free of charge and allowed 2 pieces of luggage for free. 
On the way out we had a stroller bag that had the stroller, car seat and base in it.  We figured even the price of the bag and paying the $25.00 fee for luggage we going to be ahead.  Renting one from the car rental place for $27.00 a day can add up fast if you spend several weeks there.  Plus when we came home it was 2 different plane rights one being 6 hours and 1 an the 2nd like 2 hours without the car seat on the plane we would have had to hold him the entire time.  Upon arriving at the airport and telling them what was in it, they never charged for it so we sent it for nothing.  It was nice to have it for coming home as well because we were able to use it for the extra baby things we had bought while in Vegas.  We were not charged to sent it back either.
A good hotel will make all the difference!  We stayed at an amazing Marriott Towne Place Suites, they were so amazing to deal with.  Having the amenities of an apartment made all the difference.  We had a full kitchen which made it nice to have meals and bottle cleaning.  The frig was great to have to keep drinks, snacks and food cold so we didn't have to use vending machines.  They had a small breakfast each morning of different muffins, bagels, English muffins & cereals.  It also had juices, coffee and milk, so that helped save a little on meals.  They had a outdoor gas grill you could use and a several nice sitting areas indoors and out.  There were 2 computers with Internet access in the lobby to if you don't want to travel with a computer.  They had a pac in play they brough right to our room for us and gave us several clean sheets and blankets to use, and checked on the each day when they came and cleaned the room.  Anything we needed was right there for us.
Another thing we learning the hard way, don't over pack.  When you hear you could be there for several weeks you sort of panic.  I would say pack a few staple items, a few days of undergarments, maybe 2 or 3 pairs of jeans and a couple pair of lounging pants and a few tops.  I never gave thought to the fact that with a newborn we would have laundry, at least a load a day so I would say save on space in the car and the luggage you need to ship and pack a smart. 
Don't pack, diapers, wipes and stuff like that for the baby.  You can buy that once you get there and save space in your luggage.  I would say only pack like 4 bottles to, yes it is alot more dishes while in the hotel but again less stuff to lug along.  The hospital Noah was born at used ready mixed formula similar to this.  They actually sent like 2 or 3 12 packs home with us for the first few day, I say save some of them for the plane ride home.  It was so great to just take the top off put the nipple on and toss it.  There was no hassle in security with it, as there might be if you had the powdered, plus you need to worry about water and possibly having to warm it.  With these there was no hassle at all which was nice. 
Just remember there is a box store on every other street in most places so you can always buy a few items of clothing for you and the baby.  I know that because we had to for Noah because everything we took for him was way to big and we had to go get some smaller size things anyway.  I know that I am missing alot of  things and I will write them down as I remember then and do another post at a later date, these were the big things I could remember.


Friday, April 12, 2013

Letting Go...a little

I have spent alot of time over the past few months thinking and wondering where our path for our family will go and if we will grow our family any more.  I would love more than anything to be able to adopt another child, but I have come to the realization I just don't think it is in the cards for us.  I love Noah with every breath I take and he is more than enough in my life, but I wanted a sibling for him.  I don't want him to be all alone when the day comes that something happens to Joe and I.  I see how hard it is for Joe.  It is just that I know that time and money are not on our side.  Our age is a big factor, it was the last time we adopted and financially it is alot of money.  Anyone who adopts knows that.  I did make a promise to someone that Noah would be enough, he always has been and always will be.  He is my heart, my joy my everything, nothing will ever change that, not even 10 more kids.  But I know that I can love other children just as much!
So given that I have realized all of the above I decided it is time to start to try and sale some of his baby stuff, you know stroller, car seat, clothes that no matter how much I try and beg he will never fit into again.  It seems silly to hang on to all of it when someone else can get use out of it instead of it sitting in a box at my house getting no use.  I took the pictures and listed them online, I planned a yard sale for next month.  The extra money will be nice for the beach.  Then it happened, someone emailed me about buying something!  My heart stoped for a second, NO you can't have that, it is my son's!  Then I think "Ok you nut step back for a second, your the one that listed it."  I didn't think it would be so hard to let go of stuff.  But I look at each item and there is a memory attached to it.  Like his car seat, we brought him home from the hospital in that, we took that thousands of miles to bring our precious son home in it and then brought him thousands of miles back to his waiting family!  I can't sale that outfit he wore that to his first church service, he wore that for his first 4th of July, that was his first Easter present.  I have to keep that newborn size diaper because I don't ever want to forget how small he once was.  Forget about that activity center, his grandparents bought that for him for his baby shower, he needs to see it!  I know I sound like a crazy person right out of an episode of hoarders, I can admit that!  I have no problem admitting that. 
I have come to realize though that it isn't about the stuff, it is about the memories.  I am so afraid if I don't have the stuff they will be gone, never to return.  It happens to us all, as time goes on and we grow older the memories fade away.  Yes there are small ones that will always be there, but they get dimmer.  They get replaced with new ones but I want the old ones too.  Like with my grandparents as hard as I try to remember things I can't; it has been so long since they have been gone.  I worry that the memories will fade and having the items will be the only way I can keep them alive.   I know it sounds silly.
Maybe it is knowing once I start to let it go I am letting go of a dream.  If I keep it maybe we will be blessed again!  Maybe Noah will get to be a big brother!  Maybe I will get to memorize the curve of another child's face; or how he sings in his sleep.  Or plays with his ear when he is really tired and wants to stay away.  Or reaches out of his highchair to hug you when you have come home from a really crappy day.  Maybe we would be blessed enough to be tied to another family from such an amazing gift! 
Maybe I am not ready to let go yet.


Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Soul unsettled

I just realized how long it has been since I last wrote a post...geez!  Part of it was not having time, there has been some changes at work and I have been working a few extra hours and adjusting to some new things, and then just didn't have time when I got home.  Part of it was not really having alot to write about to be honest.  My mind and soul have been stuck in a bad place lately and I am not sure why.  So that makes it extra hard to write, because my thoughts are all over the place.  For some reason I feel so tormented.  I am hoping it is nothing a week at the beach won't heal, just to make it the next few weeks until then!  I can't wait to sit and listen the the sound of the waves and the piece and quiet of it all.  I am so looking forward to the relaxation and seeing my little man's eyes when he sees the ocean for the first time.  I am not sure how the sand will go give the fact right now he is afraid of the grass. 
We had a nice Easter, it is so hard for me to sit here and write that it was Noah's 2nd one!  I wish I could say that it was great weather and we were able to have the egg hunt for Noah and my niece and nephew outside but that would be a lie.  To be truthful I think we had more snow for Easter than Christmas.  Got to love good old Western PA in the spring.  Indoors or out the kids had a great time.  The older 2 were told before hand anything right out in the open was off limits to them and were for Noah.  For the most part they were good about it and fair with him.  He really wasn't much into it and once he got 1 for each hand he was happy with those.  It was funny to watch him because he would shake them to see if there was anything in them, you know learning young to look for money ones.  But it was still exciting to see him want to be apart of it a little bit.  Last year he was just a 6 week old baby and this year he is pretty much a toddler. I would love to post pictures of him in his dress pants, vest and tie; but I am still just afraid to at this point.  The scammers stealing photos really have me freaked out still.
He is getting more brave in the things he is doing and has taken a few steps on his own and then realizes what he is doing and then drops to the ground.  He will walk up the steps if you hold on to his hands and walk behind him.  The weather here has finally gotten nice and we have been able to be outside to play.  Sunday Joe was able to hang the swing Aunt Wendy got Noah for his birthday and he loves it.  The Easter bunny brought him a bubble lawn mower and we tried to use that tonight but the weight on it is uneven and he still puts to much weight on the handle to walk so it kept tipping over.  I think in a couple weeks he will be off like a shot with it. 
He was sick at the beginning of the week with a double ear infection and runny nose but seems to be feeling better.  When we were at the doctor on Monday he weighed a little over 22 lbs and was 32 inches long.  She told us she thinks he is going to be tall and thin; maybe a basketball player?!    Noah will be set up to be able to do anything he wants to do because his dad and I started his college fund for him.  We made a promise to him, us and his birth family we would do everything we could to make sure he is able to succeed in life and that is the first step.  I want Noah to know he can do anything he wants and be anything he wants.  My parents letting my brother and I dream and be who we were growing up is why we are the people we are today.  We were never told any dream we had was to big or to small.  My parents telling me I could do anything is one of the big reasons I am able to say I am a mother.  I never gave up on my dream, so I want the same things for him.