Wednesday, October 31, 2012

So different

As I sit on this Halloween night and listen to my son play I think back to how different last year was.  The past week has had alot of reflection for me.  I have signed up for an interview type exchange with the blog site I am listed on.  You get matched with a family who is writing another blog and the idea is to read each others blog and then interview them.  I have been matched with a family who is still in the waiting process, so they are at a different point than we are.  I went back and reread every post I have wrote from the beginning of the process and try to read it from her point of view.  Every single emotion came back to me just like they were at that moment if not worse.  Worse because I now see what a dark place I was in and couldn't or wouldn't see it then.  Adoption is a hard process there is no sugar coating it in anyway.  You want to live your life and that is what you are told to do but it is next to impossible, every joyful thing always has some sort of dark cloud over it.  You try to ignore it but in the back of your mind you can't.  You put a fake smile on and pretend all is right with the world. 
I was at my lowest of lows.  Joe and I had just decided that we were done with the adoption process at the end of the year.  I was just so defeated.  Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, all the little kids talking about costumes and getting to be anything they want to be.  The leaves are changing colors and there is a crisp feel in the air.  For me last year I didn't see any of this all I saw was darkness.  I didn't even participate in trick or treating last year I sat in my house in the dark wanting to fade away. 
Little did I know that in just 5 short days things would change so much.  I would be so full of hope and excitement.  The few months we waited for Noah were not always a walk in the park but neither were the months leading up to that. 
I guess the point I am trying to get a is not matter how bad it gets it will get better.  It will all be worth it in the end.  The pain of it all never goes away totally, or at least is hasn't for me, and I hope it doesn't to be honest.  I am afraid if it does I will take what I have for granted and not appreciate it.  Also things can change in the blink of an eye so always keep the faith that tomorrow could be the day.
Nine months have gone by and each day has new changes now.  Noah was not in the picture taking mood tonight so I am hoping we will get his 9 month pictures tomorrow.  He has month doctors visit tomorrow too so I will have his update too.
We didn't get to have trick or treating tonight because of the storms but below is a picture of Noah from the other day for a parade they had at Joe's work that we took him to.

Noah's update to follow soon


Monday, October 22, 2012

All that matters

There are about a million other things I could be or should be doing right now while Noah is sleeping but here I sit.  I have been thinking about this post for a few days now and just haven't had time to sit and write it.

We have been trying very hard to have families that have adopted, are in the process of adopting or will be adopting in our lives.  Not to down play the other relationships or people in our lives but we do want to have those relationships in our lives too.  No matter how hard someone tries they don't know what the shoes we have walked in are like unless they have walked too.  Not only do we want it for us we want Noah to have other children to relate to in this area of his life down the road too.  Like I said before, we have amazing people in our life who have shown such support and love to Joe and I, but the love they have for Noah is beyond words.

A few months ago we were connected with a family from our area that was in the process of adopting.  She and I have been in touch for a few months via email and facebook.  It had been a busy summer for both of our families.  Us with finalizing Noah's adoption and them planning for a placement!  Finally after weeks of communication, earlier this week our families finally got to meet.  I have to say leading up to the meeting I spent sometime thinking about how in some ways our journey was the same and is so many ways it was different.  I was worried that our feelings, experience and views would be so different on things, more so the agency that we would not hit it off. They would not want to talk to us again or see us again.  We had used the same agency and had very different experiences and I was really worried about that.  Just a short time into the meeting I realized my worried were going to be unfounded, and quiet honestly able to finish each others thoughts and feelings on some things.  This got me to thinking, we have several couples we are friends with, well more the wifes are friends, that have adopted.  We each started our path at the same place, maybe all for different reasons, or not so different reasons, and ended in the same place.  We have had twists and turns along the way, some of us more than others, some of us took longer than others.  Heck one of the couples wasn't even really looking to adopt when they got matched with their second child but God had other plans.  Some of us started with the same agency and that is how we meet, some walked away with a great experience and other not so happy.  But we all still have a common bond the same feelings, the same start and finish and that is what really matters isn't it?  We are here to support each other and be there for each other as we navigate the world of adoption.  Sometimes we can relate directly with each other and other times we can't but what matters is we are all there for each other.  To listen to the other cry when need be, to celebrate for each other and to lend an ear and really that is what friendship is about right.  Just think if we were all the same had the same experiences and live the same life.   

The great thing is all of the families have adopted boys all with in a few months of each other so I am looking forward to them growing and hopefully becoming friends, and having each other's backs too. 

Anyway, we had a great visit and she and I are even looking into trying to start an adoption support group in our area since there are none here.  I am looking forward to moving through these relationships.



Saturday, October 6, 2012

Small reminders

It seems like the weekends are nothing but a marathon of running!  Joe is working every Saturday so my day starts with a quick shower before he leaves so I have 10 minutes of quiet time before my day starts.  Getting Noah dressed and diaper changed is enough of a workout for an Olympic athlete.  Then picking up his dump trucks, train, tether and anything else that he thinks is funny to throw off the high chair like 700 times a day, you would think my waist would be as big around as a pencil.  All this before our 9:30 nap.  While he is napping, which if we are lucky is about a hour and half, I get my self dressed and ready to go grocery shopping, picking up the house and trying to do a load of laundry.  Then on to the afternoon!  We, Noah and I, go grocery shopping, come home and put it away, had his afternoon feeding and start our high chair ritual all over again!  Most weekends and weeknights Joe works I feel like I need a nap with him at 5:30.  Most days I feel like I don't have enough time in the day.  I have stacks of photos that need organized and put in albums, I swear Noah will be 30 before his baby book is even started let alone complete for him.  There is always laundry that needs done, and the house is always in need of cleaning. 

Today was an unusual day for me because my parents kept Noah for me to run my errands because it was so cold and rainy out.  I was able to go and do my shopping and even have lunch by myself which was something I never thought I would like to do.  I got to put my food away without picked up the toys while doing it.  I ran the vacuum without Noah freaking out from the noise of it. 

After I got home and fed Noah and was putting him down for his evening nap and it hit me.  Noah was asleep on my shoulder and I could see his face, his angel like face, and was sitting and rocking in his room.  There was just enough light coming in the windows that I could see around the room, and that is when it hit me!  Just a year ago this room that used to bring me such peace and does now, didn't at that time.  I had hit rock bottom this time last year, I just couldn't do it anymore, I wanted Joe to pack the stuff up in the room and get rid of it, I couldn't look at it anymore.  My emotions and heart had been pulled through the ringer.  I was an emotional mess and didn't know which end was up.  I cried each day, sometimes all day, just praying for an answer, some sort of sign as to what was right to do.  It hurts my heart now to think I wanted to walk away!  Especially as I looked at the miracle sleeping in my arms.  Not a day goes by that he doesn't do something that melts my heart, no matter how hard of a day it is,he either smiles at me just when I need it or he will rub his hand on your cheeks after you give him a kiss. 

It is hard to believe that he is 8 months old already!  He has 2 teeth and is giving his all to crawl!  He is vocal, very vocal when he wants to be, and God does he have a temper!  But I wouldn't trade it for a second.  God continues to send me small reminders and not so small reminders each and everyday!