Thursday, August 13, 2015

It's hard to understand

I haven't really posted much lately because I have been trying to decide what way I want to take my blog.  What type of things I want to post about.  I miss blogging I miss writing about what I feel most passionate about, my son, my family, my faith and adoption! 
I recently joined Periscope I am being totally honest when I say I don't know much about it.  How it works, how to comment on videos, how to make a video...anything.  BUT I saw someone post a link and really wanted to see the broadcast they were doing to hear what they had to say so I joined and well I'm hooked on watching it at this point.  I have watched so many amazing and moving stories.  They have all touched me in some way or another, from birth mothers telling their stories, to adoptive mothers telling theirs and just a great group of women talking about their faith in God.  One really hit my heart hard this morning the title was Adopting Rocks by a fellow adoptive mommy named Kelly.  She was talking about the adoption of her oldest son and the relationship they have with his birth mother.  I sat and cried the entire time she talked about it, in fact I am crying as I write this post from the emotions still.  She spoke so many words that have been in my mind and heart in the past and will be even in the future I'm sure.  The relationship between a birth mother and adoptive mother is nothing anyone will ever understand, well unless your a birth mother and adoptive mother.
So many times I have had people say to me why do you care what she does or how she is?  There are times I want to say it is none of your business why I care the way I care about anyone in my life, those are on the bad days, days I get tired of defending it.  But most days I take the time to explain because I know they ask because they don't know, they don't understand.  There are times I didn't understand it either honestly.  But the thing is it's a journey I don't understand at times!  There is a connection that it hard to explain!  She made me a mother!!  She did for me what I couldn't do for myself and my husband.  She entrusted a perfect little person to me, her perfect little person, half of her heart!  No questions asked nothing more of me than to love him.  Love him with every ounce of my entire being and then some!  Pretty small thing to ask in return if you think about it.  As if doing that wasn't enough there was 2 moments that will forever be a reminder for me of the raw pain she had and may still carry.  I am not sure if I have ever talked about them or not on here.  If I have I'm sorry for repeating and if not I guess I'm finally ready to talk about it.
We were in the hospital still after Noah was born we had been in for 2 days at this point and the original plan to be in until Friday when she was able to sign had....changed at the last minute and we were leaving a day early.  So there was a last minute scramble to make arrangements for everyone for 24 hours.  I had to leave the hospital to go and get the car seat and things for the baby and come back for him and her.  What I was reading as strange behavior (from her) scared the living shit out of me to be frank.  I left the hospital room and broke in the hallway.  I hit my knees crying in a way I never cried before.  I just KNEW in my heart they would be gone when I got back.  The fear of never seeing that baby again was beyond anything I could handle.  I couldn't breath, I couldn't think my life felt like it was over.  I remember giving the hospital social worker my cell phone number as she was going into the room and telling her please don't let me come back to find an empty room.  Please call me first.  The fear and emptiness I felt was beyond anything I could imagine, that I can explain even now 3 years later.  It still brings tears to me and a feeling I can't explain.  I Called my husband and mother who were at the hotel, I had spent the night at the hospital, and told them what was going on.  IT was the worse phone call I had to make to that point in my life.  I got a call from the social worker as I was getting things together at the hotel and my heart sank I knew she was going to tell me my biggest fear had come true, she had changed her mind and left and couldn't tell me herself.  I was SO wrong, the social worker said that Noah's birth mother was worried we would change our mind and not return to get them.  I knew at that moment I needed to feel that pain and fear to totally know a small part of what she was feeling.  It had rocked me to my core. 
The second moment was the night we left to come home.  We had been cleared to finally leave and go home.  We had been in Noah's birth state for 8 days.  I sent her a text we were released to go and were leaving that night on the red eye.  We made last minute plans to see her on our way out of town.  It was so last minute in fact we were able to see her for less than 10 minutes and she said good-bye to her son in the back seat of a rental care.  What I witnessed in that car is something that I will forever hold on to as a reminder of the promise I made to her and God! There is some of that night I'm not ready to share but you get the point of the pain she felt and what I saw.
Open adoption is not always easy but hey I have never been one to do things the easy way you learn less that way!
I love our son's birth more to the core, good, bad indifferent!  I love her for who she is not just for what she did!  I want good things for her, I want happiness for her, I want piece of mind for her to know that Noah is loved with my entire being and then some.  I want people to understand but I know it's hard for them and that is ok to.  See it's my story and her story to understand! 
#truth with my army of support, I got this!

Monday, July 27, 2015

When you have a child

When you have a child
You learn it's a serious business
To have a little fun
You give grace and get forgiveness
Not seven times seven
But seven times seventy one

And when you have a child
Those four walls you call a house
Take on a life of its own
When you bring 'em home
You will cry and you will laugh
When they hurt it cuts you in half
It's your flesh and bone

And year after year
Pictures fill page after page
They never really grow up
Still your baby at any age
The first time you hold 'em
It's like you see God's smile
What a smile
When you have a child

And then boy meets girl
And perfume and gasoline
Reign on your perfect world
Curfews are often broken
Thank yous aren't spoken
He's got the keys to that old Dodge
And she's wearing a corsage
And her mama's pearls

And year after year
Pictures fill page after page
They never really grow up
Still your baby at any age
And the first time you hold 'em
It's like you feel God's smile
What a smile
When you have a child

You pray that phone call never comes
And if God forbid
How would you live
How could you go on
And on and on and on

And year after year
Close the chapter and turn the page
Blue ribbons and losing seasons
Flipping tassles on the stage
Oh but you don't need a photograph
You've got at least a million
Pictures of that smile
When you close your eyes
When you love a child
Ohh when you love a child

Reba McEntire - When you have a child

For some reason over the past few days the lyrics to this song have really hit home to me.
It seems like the past few weeks Noah has grown to a young man overnight and I'm not ready for it.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Subsidy Shades

You may see them on famous people like Tori Spelling and her entire family or anyone who has attended the MTV Movie Awards because with in months of starting Subsidy Shades Robert and Melissa had their very own gifting suite!  What started out as a way to fund their 2nd adoption because the first had cost a small fortune, like most adoptions do, has turned into a successful organization.  What makes Subsidy Shades different is they continue to give back!  Helping other families raise funds to help pay for their adoptions!  What an amazing way to pay it forward wouldn't you say!  In addition to helping families paying for adoptions, Melissa has also been very involved with helping birth mother's feel special and loved by her and Subsidy Shades.
One of the current promotions they have going on is with Together We Rise, if you purchase these super cute Mickey glasses they will donate $1 for each pair purchased!  The money will go towards giving children in foster care a once in a lifetime trip to Disneyland to reunited with birth siblings.  How amazing is that!!!
I have personally received sample shades from Melissa and purchased them as well and I have to say I can't get enough!  They come in many styles for adults, men and women, and to many super cute ones for children.  Check them out here.  The best part is they are support affordable. 
Know that not only will you have stylish glasses at a good price but you will also be supporting adoption and foster care as well!

Thursday, June 11, 2015

The Choice

For most people, not all but most, coming to the decision to adopt is not always an easy one.  The path to choosing adoption is usually a path filled with tears, heartache and hurt.  Years of infertility, treatments and failed pregnancies.  By the time this option comes up a lot of times people feel so defeated they don't ever take the steps to move forward or are financially drained from the other treatments and medicines. 
For myself, I never went though the treatments and medicines, we went to 1 appointment to see what our options were, and that was it.  We knew we had a very small chance of me being able to carry a baby and we also had to do egg donation so we had the added expense there.  So we knew that we needed to find another path to parenthood.  We briefly spoke about adoption and then decided we were going to try the foster to adopt route.  We took all of the classes, spent weekend sitting inside during the summer, evenings given up and at the very last class the social worker in charge said something that totally turned us off.  We walked out and looked at each other and was like this was a total waste of a few months.  We took a step back and just thought about our options and did research, ok well I did research.  I looked at agency after agency after agency.  Made call after call after call.  We spoke with so many agencies and heard good things and bad things from each of them.  I won't go into all the details of every reason we didn't choose an agency, it could have varied from the time they said an average match took, it could have been the fees, or the fact they charged different fees based upon race, which I have a major personal issue with.  Finding and choosing an agency is part research and part gut and mostly luck if you ask me.  I can't sit here and say I would do this different or that different because then things would have ended different for us and I can't imagine my life any different than it is today.  I can say if we were ever to try to adopt again I would do things different. 
Once you make a decision on an agency there are a million choices that follow.  I will tell you that you will second guess each and every single one of them.  When you go right you will always think you should have gone left.  It won't be until you are sitting with your baby in your arms that you feel you have made the right decisions the right choices.  It will be then that all the pieces have fallen together. 
Adoption is not a journey for the faint of heart for use.  But the reward in the end is so amazing!

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Back to Basics

I want my heart and my passions to be the most beautiful things about me | Inspirational Quotes

I have missed blogging so much over the past few months.   During that time the passion I have for adoption has just grown like a fire inside of me.  So I am going to start blogging again. 
I have been thinking about it and I thought well where do I start.  It has been so long where do I pick back up at or do I start all over gain? I think the best thing to do is a small back story and then to move forward.  That way any new followers don't have to read everything if they don't want to.
In June of 2010 my husband and I started the process of adoption.  We went into the process pretty blind to say the least.  I can't say if adoption groups were a popular and as easy to find then as now or now, because I never thought to look for them at the time.  The support groups now are a truly amazing thing, if you can find honest people in them, and most groups with adoptive families in them are.  The process of adoption is hard and cruel.  It's over whelming, lonely and hard to navigate at times.  But it can also be beautiful and amazing as well, most of the time that isn't until the end and well after placement honestly.
In January of 2012 we were blessed with the birth and placement of our amazing son.  We have been equally blessed with a good relationship with our son's birth mother.  
Ever since we finalized our son's adoption I have had a passion to want to help support other waiting families.  I felt so alone and lost during our wait.  We felt like we didn't get as much support as we thought we would get from agency we used at the time.  Even now post placement it is so nice to have people to share with who understand like on one else can.
I want this to be a place of sharing and support for others.  I am not saying everything I feel is right and perfect.  That the advise I have is always correct.  I can only talk from our experience and from my heart!
I hope that you find some help and support and understand in the things I have to say and experiences I share.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Under construction

Please bear with me as I work on some changes and updates to the blog!  I promise I will be back to blogging soon as I miss it so much!

See you soon


Monday, May 4, 2015

Moether's Day 2 all time favorite mother quote.... Happy Mother's day to all Hope all had a wonderful day.
I did not know how true this was how lost I was until I was blessed to become a Mother!

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Mother's Day 1

In honor of Mother's Day I am going to make a post about Mother's everyday this week!

Inspiration mothers day quotes - Google Search -

Monday, February 23, 2015

Family is more than blood

I have pinned this before. We have all seen this one. So true. Don't let what was an absent parent demand your loyalty. Regardless of what you can get out of it. Look around and see who was therefor all the years not who just popped into the present. Many families have non blood relatives who love less, the same, or even more than blood. Put things where they fit. We just spend hours discussing this in discussion. When there's love there is success.

This quote has been on my mind alot over the past few weeks or so.  I have be so blessing to have so many amazing people in my life.  I think that we all have amazing people in our lives it is all a matter of seeing it when we need to.  It is a matter of being there for each other when you need it the most, or even the least.  I don't think you have to only be involved in adoption to have the entire family isn't always blood feeling.  I will say that once we started the adoption process I had my eyes open to the kindness of strangers and even friends.  People went out of their ways to help us with fundraisers and prayers and just being plain good people to us. 
Then we matched with Noah's birth mother and grew to love her.  We knew that good or bad, placement or not she would always hold a spot in our hearts.  When she did place we promised her a spot in our family for eternity, how could we not look at the amazing gift she had give us.  Don't quote me on this wording but I read someplace something a birth mother said once, If I had loved him even one ounce less I would have never placed him.  I loved him enough to walk away for him to have the life I wanted him to have.  I don't for once second think that Noah's birth mother, or mamma D, as she is called in our home, didn't love Noah.  I think she loves him with every single ounce of her entire being, just like I do.  We are both mothers to him in very different ways and I am 100% ok with that.  Then the relationship with her parents started to form.  Grandma J is talked about in our home alot too.  She and I texted and talk often and alot of time it's not about Noah.  Yes to do talk about him in the course of the conservation but he isn't always the reason we start the conservation to begin with.  they are 100% our family they became our family on January 31, 2012.  
I have friends who I consider family.  They are there when you need to vent, to cry or celebrate good times with.  They bring you your favorite drink when they stop for a visit, they call you on your birthday.  They send you a random card or gift because it made them think of you.  They give you the encouragement to do things that you may not do without it.  
For some reason in my life I feel that family as hurt me way more than they should have.  I feel that being "blood" has given people the right to feel they can say and do things they wouldn't do to friends.  I know that I have been guilt of it myself and I completely regret it, I have also tried to learn from it and grow from it.  I have tried to not let hurts bother me or cloud my judgment on people because we all make mistakes.  We all have times that we use poor judgment or do things that are hurtful.  To me the hard part is people who continue to do it over and over and over and never seeing or being willing to see the effects of it. 
Family is a fragile fragile thing blood or not, and if it's not nurtured and cared for it will break down and fall apart. 

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Noah's 3

Well here we are 2 1/2 weeks late with this post, by hey if I am anything I am consistent right!  Being on time has become nonexistent for me in the past 3 years.  It is hard for me to still say yes I have a 3 year old.  The time has gone way to fast for my liking and he is growing way to quick.  It feels like yesterday that I was holding him in my arms for the first time and looking into his amazing brown eyes.  

3 days old 
3 years old

I am amazed by the little man he has become.  He is full of personality and joy!  He drives me crazy and makes me want to pull my hair out all at the same time.  He is smart and inquisitive.   He is 100% all boy with his trucks and blocks and noises and just everything boy. But even at being all be he is quick with a hug and a kiss and to tell you he loves you.  At Noah's last visit he was 34" tall and still only 31 lbs.  We only eat peanut butter and "jello" as he calls it and now has added scrambled eggs to that list.  He will pick an apple, orange or banana over a cookie or piece of cake every time.  He is a lover of dinosaurs. monster trucks and Curious George.  He is also a lover of animals and even now at only 3 I would bet money he will enter a field to do with animals.
Below are a few pictures from Noah 3rd Birthday Party.  Each year I say I am not going all out and going crazy because then it's more pressure for the next year but hey he is my baby and deserves it!

 Welcome to Noah's Party

Snacks for everyone

Noah's amazing cake

Pin the banana on George

Favors for the kiddos

I hope that this year is a great amazing year for Noah and can't wait to see what it brings.  We love you so much buddy!

Sunday, January 4, 2015


Yikes I can not believe it has been almost 2 months since I last posted.  I always swear I'm not going to let this much time past and each time it does.  This entire year has just passed in the blink of an eye.  Our holiday season was busy just like everyone else's but we did have time for some fun.  We took Noah to see a local light display, he went on a train ride with Santa with my parents, niece and nephew.  I got to spend a few days away on a girls trip with my mom right before Thanksgiving to do some shopping at the outlets.  It was nice to be able to do that especially since at this time last year we didn't know how bad her cancer was and what was going to happen.  Joe and I got to go to a Penguins Hockey game and I got to see a friend I haven't seen since my wedding almost 7 years ago.  Which I vow to never let that much time pass again!

I have tried to become more active in the adoption community and trying to help give support to other waiting families and even families who had been placed with.  I am hoping 2015 sees great things with this.  I have also had a great opportunity presented to me that I am so excited to be working on and can't wait to see where it leads and what other opportunities that will come along.

We have Noah's 3rd..yes 3rd birthday coming up at the end of the month.  It just boggles my mind that our baby is going to be 3.  He grew so much over the past few months and has turned into such a little boy.  He talks up a storm and is all boy.  Loves his trucks, blocks, dinosaurs, and trains.  He is also all boy in the aspect he loves to rough house and now has taken to hockey a little bit with using sticks to hit the balls and stuff around the house.  Santa brought him a power wheels quad for Christmas and I am pretty such will be a crazy child on it by summer.

I hope 2014 was a great year for you and 2015 see even better things.  I look forward to staying more active on the blog.  I will leave you with a new picture of our little man!