Thursday, August 13, 2015

It's hard to understand

I haven't really posted much lately because I have been trying to decide what way I want to take my blog.  What type of things I want to post about.  I miss blogging I miss writing about what I feel most passionate about, my son, my family, my faith and adoption! 
I recently joined Periscope I am being totally honest when I say I don't know much about it.  How it works, how to comment on videos, how to make a video...anything.  BUT I saw someone post a link and really wanted to see the broadcast they were doing to hear what they had to say so I joined and well I'm hooked on watching it at this point.  I have watched so many amazing and moving stories.  They have all touched me in some way or another, from birth mothers telling their stories, to adoptive mothers telling theirs and just a great group of women talking about their faith in God.  One really hit my heart hard this morning the title was Adopting Rocks by a fellow adoptive mommy named Kelly.  She was talking about the adoption of her oldest son and the relationship they have with his birth mother.  I sat and cried the entire time she talked about it, in fact I am crying as I write this post from the emotions still.  She spoke so many words that have been in my mind and heart in the past and will be even in the future I'm sure.  The relationship between a birth mother and adoptive mother is nothing anyone will ever understand, well unless your a birth mother and adoptive mother.
So many times I have had people say to me why do you care what she does or how she is?  There are times I want to say it is none of your business why I care the way I care about anyone in my life, those are on the bad days, days I get tired of defending it.  But most days I take the time to explain because I know they ask because they don't know, they don't understand.  There are times I didn't understand it either honestly.  But the thing is it's a journey I don't understand at times!  There is a connection that it hard to explain!  She made me a mother!!  She did for me what I couldn't do for myself and my husband.  She entrusted a perfect little person to me, her perfect little person, half of her heart!  No questions asked nothing more of me than to love him.  Love him with every ounce of my entire being and then some!  Pretty small thing to ask in return if you think about it.  As if doing that wasn't enough there was 2 moments that will forever be a reminder for me of the raw pain she had and may still carry.  I am not sure if I have ever talked about them or not on here.  If I have I'm sorry for repeating and if not I guess I'm finally ready to talk about it.
We were in the hospital still after Noah was born we had been in for 2 days at this point and the original plan to be in until Friday when she was able to sign had....changed at the last minute and we were leaving a day early.  So there was a last minute scramble to make arrangements for everyone for 24 hours.  I had to leave the hospital to go and get the car seat and things for the baby and come back for him and her.  What I was reading as strange behavior (from her) scared the living shit out of me to be frank.  I left the hospital room and broke in the hallway.  I hit my knees crying in a way I never cried before.  I just KNEW in my heart they would be gone when I got back.  The fear of never seeing that baby again was beyond anything I could handle.  I couldn't breath, I couldn't think my life felt like it was over.  I remember giving the hospital social worker my cell phone number as she was going into the room and telling her please don't let me come back to find an empty room.  Please call me first.  The fear and emptiness I felt was beyond anything I could imagine, that I can explain even now 3 years later.  It still brings tears to me and a feeling I can't explain.  I Called my husband and mother who were at the hotel, I had spent the night at the hospital, and told them what was going on.  IT was the worse phone call I had to make to that point in my life.  I got a call from the social worker as I was getting things together at the hotel and my heart sank I knew she was going to tell me my biggest fear had come true, she had changed her mind and left and couldn't tell me herself.  I was SO wrong, the social worker said that Noah's birth mother was worried we would change our mind and not return to get them.  I knew at that moment I needed to feel that pain and fear to totally know a small part of what she was feeling.  It had rocked me to my core. 
The second moment was the night we left to come home.  We had been cleared to finally leave and go home.  We had been in Noah's birth state for 8 days.  I sent her a text we were released to go and were leaving that night on the red eye.  We made last minute plans to see her on our way out of town.  It was so last minute in fact we were able to see her for less than 10 minutes and she said good-bye to her son in the back seat of a rental care.  What I witnessed in that car is something that I will forever hold on to as a reminder of the promise I made to her and God! There is some of that night I'm not ready to share but you get the point of the pain she felt and what I saw.
Open adoption is not always easy but hey I have never been one to do things the easy way you learn less that way!
I love our son's birth more to the core, good, bad indifferent!  I love her for who she is not just for what she did!  I want good things for her, I want happiness for her, I want piece of mind for her to know that Noah is loved with my entire being and then some.  I want people to understand but I know it's hard for them and that is ok to.  See it's my story and her story to understand! 
#truth with my army of support, I got this!

No comments:

Post a Comment