Sunday, May 12, 2013

What my mom is to me.

It is hard to believe that I get to celebrate my second Mother's Day!  A day I never in my wildest dreams thought could happen.  So it goes to show dream big because dreams can come true.
It has also got me thinking about my own mom and what she means to me.  It is funny how our relationship has changed over the years.  Here is a breakdown of how I see things.
Twenty years ago:
 She was an annoyance, pain in the butt, enemy, worse person in the world.  I am sure I could go on I mean I was sixteen then what teen age girl liked their parents at all let alone a mother. 
How I see things today
 She is my Best friend, biggest support, best listener and giver of advise, smart, beautiful, selfless giver, gives unconditional love, forgiver.  I can't find the words to describe how I feel about my mother now.  She has taught me so many things, I am the mother to Noah I am because of the mother she is to me.  She has always pushed me to reach for the starts and never give up.  She was the first person to wipe my tears when I thought I was never going to be a mother and was the first person to give me a hug the day I became a mother.  She held my hand the entire way we traveled, literally, to find our son and has been there everyday since.  She is there for the late night calls when I don't know what to do and he is there for the bail me out days when I need help with Noah.  She is there for the phone calls of me crying because of how fast my son is growing and not understanding why it all happens so fast. 
Looking back now I realized how many years I missed having this amazing relationship in my life by being a difficult teenage, and I have spent alot of time trying to make up for it.  i wished I have realized what an amazing woman she was and a great mom a long time ago!
I guess it to being a mom to realize how great my mom is!

I love you mom!


Saturday, May 11, 2013

Thank you Birth Mother's

Did you know tomorrow is Birth Mother's Day? So thankful for the mother whose choice for Eli made me a mom <3

I sit here and find myself without words yet again this year on Birth Mother's day.  I could try until the end of time to try to express the love I have not just for Noah's birth mother but all birth mother's.  The ability they have to look past their own wants, emotions and feeling to see what they feel is the best for their child is the most amazing thing.  That is a sign of a true mother. 
I want to take this moment to thank Noah's birth mother for answering so many prayers for us and blessing me with the ability to be a mommy add love Noah with all my heart.  I work hard each day to live up to the promises I made you.  He has been such a joy and blessing and is loved so much.


Wednesday, May 8, 2013

To perfect?

Picture the setting.  A perfectly painted room with stenciled bible verses on the wall and pictures of "perfect" families all around it.  Turn to view the hall way, here comes a smiling social worker carrying the perfect baby all dressed in white, to round the corner to find the parents waiting with anticipation to meet "their" baby for the first time.  Did I mention this has all been taped by the agency and then promptly posted to their website, facebook page and you tube for all to see.  All a little to "perfect", all a little to staged for me.  As much as people would like to think this is how it happens, and adoption is always this picture perfect thing it isn't.  Yes it is an amazing moment but not always picture perfect.
First let me start by saying this is in no way sour grapes; I have an amazingly beautiful son and am more than happy with that.  I also am well aware of the fact that the adoptive parents would need to sign some sort of consent to have this done.  Yes it is a great moment to have on video but that is something a family member could have taped for you to have, if they had been aloud in the room.  What I do have a problem with is them trying to paint a false picture of what it is really like.  That there is no sadness in the adoption process, that no one ever has any hurt or heartache in adoption.  I do have a problem with them using a moment like that to benefit their agency to make it look like they are something better than anyone else.  In all the videos I watched I never saw a video that appeared to be a special needs baby.  I feel if you are going to represent your agency you should do it in a way to represent all babies.  Not just the perfect healthy babies who round off that picture perfect family. 
My mind keeps going back to the birth mothers and how they may not be taken into consideration by doing this. From my understanding they are not there and have already signed TPR prior to it and very well may not know these are being made until after the fact.  I am stating the obvious here I am not a birth mother so maybe it is something that would make them feel better if they saw their child being accepted by a loving family, I don't know.  I think that it could be hard to see that, and once it is out there in the world wide web it is bound to be seen.  Maybe not next week, next month or next year but I do think it would eventually be seen by someone who know her.
I do know how Noah's birth mother was the day she signed TPR and we signed our papers, I am pretty sure it was the worse day of her life!  I know the entire time we were signing our papers my mind kept going to her and thinking about her pain.  I remember the night we boarded a plane to return home and seeing her one last time saying good-bye, knowing that we would not just be down the road with Noah.  It has been 15 months since that night and I still think of it often and remember her heartache.  I am pretty sure if you ask her today if she still has heartache of it she will tell you yes.  So to play it off as if that doesn't happen is just crazy to me.  Maybe I over analyze things, maybe I care way to much, but all of this just didn't sit well with me. 
I do have to say I have emailed the agency several times and asked questions to try to paint a different picture for me than the one above and I keep getting blown off.  They will get back to me soon with answers, they are to busy to do it now, I have several emails to that effect, so it leaves me believe nothing other than the opinion I have formed on my own. 
So does it look way to perfect, I think so!


**If I do ever get a response to my emails I will write a follow up post about them**