As I sit on this Halloween night and listen to my son play I think back to how different last year was. The past week has had alot of reflection for me. I have signed up for an interview type exchange with the blog site I am listed on. You get matched with a family who is writing another blog and the idea is to read each others blog and then interview them. I have been matched with a family who is still in the waiting process, so they are at a different point than we are. I went back and reread every post I have wrote from the beginning of the process and try to read it from her point of view. Every single emotion came back to me just like they were at that moment if not worse. Worse because I now see what a dark place I was in and couldn't or wouldn't see it then. Adoption is a hard process there is no sugar coating it in anyway. You want to live your life and that is what you are told to do but it is next to impossible, every joyful thing always has some sort of dark cloud over it. You try to ignore it but in the back of your mind you can't. You put a fake smile on and pretend all is right with the world.
I was at my lowest of lows. Joe and I had just decided that we were done with the adoption process at the end of the year. I was just so defeated. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, all the little kids talking about costumes and getting to be anything they want to be. The leaves are changing colors and there is a crisp feel in the air. For me last year I didn't see any of this all I saw was darkness. I didn't even participate in trick or treating last year I sat in my house in the dark wanting to fade away.
Little did I know that in just 5 short days things would change so much. I would be so full of hope and excitement. The few months we waited for Noah were not always a walk in the park but neither were the months leading up to that.
I guess the point I am trying to get a is not matter how bad it gets it will get better. It will all be worth it in the end. The pain of it all never goes away totally, or at least is hasn't for me, and I hope it doesn't to be honest. I am afraid if it does I will take what I have for granted and not appreciate it. Also things can change in the blink of an eye so always keep the faith that tomorrow could be the day.
Nine months have gone by and each day has new changes now. Noah was not in the picture taking mood tonight so I am hoping we will get his 9 month pictures tomorrow. He has month doctors visit tomorrow too so I will have his update too.
We didn't get to have trick or treating tonight because of the storms but below is a picture of Noah from the other day for a parade they had at Joe's work that we took him to.
Noah's update to follow soon