I have spent alot of time over the past few months thinking and wondering where our path for our family will go and if we will grow our family any more. I would love more than anything to be able to adopt another child, but I have come to the realization I just don't think it is in the cards for us. I love Noah with every breath I take and he is more than enough in my life, but I wanted a sibling for him. I don't want him to be all alone when the day comes that something happens to Joe and I. I see how hard it is for Joe. It is just that I know that time and money are not on our side. Our age is a big factor, it was the last time we adopted and financially it is alot of money. Anyone who adopts knows that. I did make a promise to someone that Noah would be enough, he always has been and always will be. He is my heart, my joy my everything, nothing will ever change that, not even 10 more kids. But I know that I can love other children just as much!
So given that I have realized all of the above I decided it is time to start to try and sale some of his baby stuff, you know stroller, car seat, clothes that no matter how much I try and beg he will never fit into again. It seems silly to hang on to all of it when someone else can get use out of it instead of it sitting in a box at my house getting no use. I took the pictures and listed them online, I planned a yard sale for next month. The extra money will be nice for the beach. Then it happened, someone emailed me about buying something! My heart stoped for a second, NO you can't have that, it is my son's! Then I think "Ok you nut step back for a second, your the one that listed it." I didn't think it would be so hard to let go of stuff. But I look at each item and there is a memory attached to it. Like his car seat, we brought him home from the hospital in that, we took that thousands of miles to bring our precious son home in it and then brought him thousands of miles back to his waiting family! I can't sale that outfit he wore that to his first church service, he wore that for his first 4th of July, that was his first Easter present. I have to keep that newborn size diaper because I don't ever want to forget how small he once was. Forget about that activity center, his grandparents bought that for him for his baby shower, he needs to see it! I know I sound like a crazy person right out of an episode of hoarders, I can admit that! I have no problem admitting that.
I have come to realize though that it isn't about the stuff, it is about the memories. I am so afraid if I don't have the stuff they will be gone, never to return. It happens to us all, as time goes on and we grow older the memories fade away. Yes there are small ones that will always be there, but they get dimmer. They get replaced with new ones but I want the old ones too. Like with my grandparents as hard as I try to remember things I can't; it has been so long since they have been gone. I worry that the memories will fade and having the items will be the only way I can keep them alive. I know it sounds silly.
Maybe it is knowing once I start to let it go I am letting go of a dream. If I keep it maybe we will be blessed again! Maybe Noah will get to be a big brother! Maybe I will get to memorize the curve of another child's face; or how he sings in his sleep. Or plays with his ear when he is really tired and wants to stay away. Or reaches out of his highchair to hug you when you have come home from a really crappy day. Maybe we would be blessed enough to be tied to another family from such an amazing gift!
Maybe I am not ready to let go yet.