Monday, April 23, 2012

At Peace

The past 10 weeks have had alot of ups and downs for me emotionally.  As I said before our relationship with "D" at best has been touch and go the past 1o weeks.  Things did not end on such a great note when we left Las Vegas and I have many regrets about it, but I guess what is done is done.  I think the reason it was hard for me to move past that was because I never really was able to tell her how I felt and why I felt the way I did and why I handled things the way I did.  I have wanted to so many times over the past 2 months and have even wrote her a letter explaining things but I really wanted to be able to talk about it with her. 

I know I also said before that I was able to come to terms with it and move past things but I really wasn't.  I was is some way not able to view myself as his mom.  I think the slap me across the face I needed to move on moment was about a week ago when we were at my parents house and my dad was playing with Noah and he said about his big brown eyes and I said "he no doubt has his mom's eyes."  To which my dad said "No he doesn't his mom has blue eyes."  I realized then if I can't view myself as his mom how is anyone else or even Noah.  I had a so to speak come to Jesus moment and really spent sometime in prayer and was ready to just move on.

I know that God answer's prayers, he answered my prayers when my dad had cancer last May, he answered my prayers when my dad was on a vent from a surgery that had complications last October.  And most of all he answered my prayers when D found us and when Noah was born.  He answered my prayer that night when I asked for a chance to have that closure, and I got it.  The next day D got in touch with me.  We had our first real conservation since we left Las Vegas.  It was a good conservation, I got to say the things I needed to say, she got to say she understood.  She also got to say things I needed to hear.  That it is ok to be happy and be his mom.  To love him the way she loves him and to be happy that I am his mom.  Not to feel sad or that I am rubbing it in her face by doing that.  I have only ever felt that kind of peace 1 time before and it was the first night we spent with Noah knowing no one was coming to take him.

Like I said before I keep telling myself that no relationship that offers meaning and true connection is without ups and downs.  And lets face it you can't have someone give you a child without the relationship having meaning and you have a connection.  I also have to remember that she is hurting.  Hurting for reasons that I don't want to go into and for the obvious.  So please once in a while say a prayer for not only her but all birth mothers.  Also remember just because they place their child for adoption doesn't mean they don't love them and care for them.  In fact I feel sometimes that maybe they might love their child more than someone who keeps a child whom they can't care of just because they don't want to hurt. 

I am finally at peace and I know things are going to be ok.  Noah knows who his mom is, he can't find me fast enough when he hears me speak and he is the same way with his daddy too!

Below is a poem that I came across when searching for something else.  It is wrote about a daughter but I think you will get them meaning anyway.




A Birthmother's Love
by Shelia Davis


As I watch my precious child drift off to sleep
My thoughts are with you with love so deep,


We prayed that someday a child would come
Although we had no idea where she'd be from


You carried her with love beneath your heart
Knowing your lives would be lived apart


You searched for parents that could raise her right
to love her, read to her, and kiss her goodnight.


When we first met there was such a conncection
You chose us to parent with little hesitation


Delivery day came and with that a beautiful dauhter
and we want her to know the love of her birth mother


A part of her life we asked you to stay
so she could know you and your loving way


For if it weren't for your Love and unselfihness
this bright little child's life we would have missed.

God blessed us beyond our wildest dream's
a child, our family, and you!!




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