Monday, May 21, 2012

First Mother's Day

Sorry I am a little late in posting this.  Better late than never right!

I have never had that oh God its Mother’s Day I want to crawl in a hole and die moments.  Yes, I have always had this ache in my heart to be a mom and some days were worse than others.  Mother’s Day was never one of the bad ones, and I think it was because I have the most amazing mom in the entire world and I focused on it being about her and didn’t have the time to worry or be sad. 

As Mother’s Day came around this year, of course I was excited.  I was talking to Noah one evening and asked him if he got mommy something special for Mother’s Day.  My husband overheard me talking to him and said I need to buy you something?  This turned into an argument over the topic.  The pas couple of years we really haven’t done anything for each other for Birthday’s, our anniversary or Christmas, as we were trying to save money for the adoption.  Then Joe lost in job last July which made it worse, and he is till not back to work.  I tried to explain to him it’s not about spending money.  I downloaded my memory card last week and have over 500 pictures in 3 months time, pick a few and make a collage of pictures, make prints of Noah’s hand or feet so I can frame them, we didn’t get that stuff from the hospital his birthmother has it all.  I have to be honest my husband “doesn’t always get it”. 

Then our agency that did our placement contacted me about a program that they were having for Birth Mother’s Day, which is the day before Mother’s Day.  They understood we could not come back toLas Vegasfor it but it we wanted to participate in anyway we could.  I wrote a letter for them to read about D and also a sent card for them to give to the other birth mother’s who were in attendance. 

So I was having some mixed emotions going into the weekend.  Here was my first Mother’s Day and I was having to guilt my husband into caring about it and was thinking about D.  Saturday when we got up and moving, our entire family was camping, I had checked my email on my phone and also jumped onto facebook as well.  I saw a post about Birth’s Mother’s Day and the program inLas Vegasand I got very emotional.  I cried several times during the day Saturday.  Mostly when I would look at Noah or we would talk about it.  I need to make clear I was emotional not just because of D but for all the birth mother’s.  I have met a lot of couples during this process and follow a lot on blogs.  I know of 5 of us that have been places within the past year, 3 of us with our very first child.  All of our birth mother’s choosing to place for many different reason, but still making the very painful decision to do it and celebrating mother’s day without the child they carried and loved for 9 months.  And giving us all the gift and chance to celebrate our first Mother’s day, which is amazing. 

Needless to say I got it out of my system and woke up Sunday morning feeling pretty good.  I was able to wake up with MY baby on the floor in his cradle beside me sleeping and enjoy it for a few moments.  Joe came around and he and Noah got me a beautiful cross with a heart of diamonds around the cross.  My mother she “got it” so I am hoping it will rub off.  I have always wanted a lilac bush, but not any lilac bush a start off the bush in my parents’ yard that was my grand mothers.  So pappy helped Noah dig it up the other day and gave that to me.

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