At Peace

The past 10 weeks have had alot of ups and downs for me emotionally.  As I said before our relationship with "D" at best has been touch and go the past 1o weeks.  Things did not end on such a great note when we left Las Vegas and I have many regrets about it, but I guess what is done is done.  I think the reason it was hard for me to move past that was because I never really was able to tell her how I felt and why I felt the way I did and why I handled things the way I did.  I have wanted to so many times over the past 2 months and have even wrote her a letter explaining things but I really wanted to be able to talk about it with her. 

I know I also said before that I was able to come to terms with it and move past things but I really wasn't.  I was is some way not able to view myself as his mom.  I think the slap me across the face I needed to move on moment was about a week ago when we were at my parents house and my dad was playing with Noah and he said about his big brown eyes and I said "he no doubt has his mom's eyes."  To which my dad said "No he doesn't his mom has blue eyes."  I realized then if I can't view myself as his mom how is anyone else or even Noah.  I had a so to speak come to Jesus moment and really spent sometime in prayer and was ready to just move on.

I know that God answer's prayers, he answered my prayers when my dad had cancer last May, he answered my prayers when my dad was on a vent from a surgery that had complications last October.  And most of all he answered my prayers when D found us and when Noah was born.  He answered my prayer that night when I asked for a chance to have that closure, and I got it.  The next day D got in touch with me.  We had our first real conservation since we left Las Vegas.  It was a good conservation, I got to say the things I needed to say, she got to say she understood.  She also got to say things I needed to hear.  That it is ok to be happy and be his mom.  To love him the way she loves him and to be happy that I am his mom.  Not to feel sad or that I am rubbing it in her face by doing that.  I have only ever felt that kind of peace 1 time before and it was the first night we spent with Noah knowing no one was coming to take him.

Like I said before I keep telling myself that no relationship that offers meaning and true connection is without ups and downs.  And lets face it you can't have someone give you a child without the relationship having meaning and you have a connection.  I also have to remember that she is hurting.  Hurting for reasons that I don't want to go into and for the obvious.  So please once in a while say a prayer for not only her but all birth mothers.  Also remember just because they place their child for adoption doesn't mean they don't love them and care for them.  In fact I feel sometimes that maybe they might love their child more than someone who keeps a child whom they can't care of just because they don't want to hurt. 

I am finally at peace and I know things are going to be ok.  Noah knows who his mom is, he can't find me fast enough when he hears me speak and he is the same way with his daddy too!

Below is a poem that I came across when searching for something else.  It is wrote about a daughter but I think you will get them meaning anyway.

Love

Melinda

 

A Birthmother's Love
by Shelia Davis

 

As I watch my precious child drift off to sleep
My thoughts are with you with love so deep,

 

We prayed that someday a child would come
Although we had no idea where she'd be from

 

You carried her with love beneath your heart
Knowing your lives would be lived apart

 

You searched for parents that could raise her right
to love her, read to her, and kiss her goodnight.

 

When we first met there was such a conncection
You chose us to parent with little hesitation

 

Delivery day came and with that a beautiful dauhter
and we want her to know the love of her birth mother

 

A part of her life we asked you to stay
so she could know you and your loving way

 

For if it weren't for your Love and unselfihness
this bright little child's life we would have missed.

God blessed us beyond our wildest dream's
a child, our family, and you!!

 

 

 

8 Weeks

It has been 8 weeks since our lives were changes forever!  In some ways it has been the shortest 8 weeks and in others the longest.  I am watching my son sleep and stretch as I write this and I am still in awe of him.  How such a little person can change so many lives in such an amazing way.  He is forming such a personality now and for the most part is a happy baby.  Which makes me happy to write because the past couple weeks have been really hard.  He was having major acid reflux and GURD.  He is on 2 different medicines and special formula for it.  At times I really wondered if giving him the meds was worth it.  I can say now that yes they were. 

He makes the cutest little sound when he is happy, like Chewbacca from Star Wars.  He is alot more aware of the things around him and voices.  He also know what he wants and wants it when he wants it no questions asked.  We have found the changing table has magic powers because no matter how mad he is as soon as you lay him on it he is the happiest kid around.

I think he is going to have long arms and legs because most things that fit him size wise to to short in the arms and legs.  He has the darkest brown eyes and plump lips, it is hard to look at him and not be reminded of D because looking into his eyes are like looking into hers.  I am ok with that as strange as it sounds.  Because after my last post I received such amazing support and I know I am his mom and I am secure in that and it is ok if he has her eyes, they were beautiful eyes.

I can't wait to see what the next 4 weeks are going to bring for us.  I hate to see them come but it is going to happen so I might as well enjoy them!

Love

Melinda

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Relationships

Ok so lets face it, relationships are hard work, some more so than others.  Some are worth putting the work into and some not so much.  Some it takes years to develop some it takes years to realize they are no longer worth the work they take.  And some you walk away from and realize you should have put the work into it and pray you get the second chance to.  Come on we are all adults and you all know what I am talking about.  It is a part of life I guess.  But the one relationship that is the hardest for me is ours with Noah's birth mom. 

Let me start by saying when we started the entire process of adoption Joe and I were not open to having an open adoption, not at all.  We really wanted no part of it at all.  We wanted to walk into the hospital get "our" baby and leave and never look back.  I know it sounds so heartless and cruel but that is what we thought at first.  We were very uneducated and selfish.  The more into the process we got and the more we educated ourselves and the more we opened our hearts the more God spoke to us about this.  We then moved to the well; letters and pictures won't hurt will they?  Then it was well maybe a visit or two a year but that is it, I still want to be the parent not the baby sitter, if that makes sense to you.  I mean she is giving us such an amazing gift, the gift of a life we could not create.  I know alot of that is very blunt and can come across as mean but I have promised to be nothing but honest with you about this process and our feeling during it and I can't change what they were, I can only learn from them.

Then D found us and everything changed!  We had SO much contact during the time we were waiting for Noah to be born.  We talked everyday, several times a day from the beginning of November to the end of January.  We learned everything , alot about each other, enough to know that she is someone I would want in our life.  Yes there were many things that came out into the open while we were in the hospital when Noah was born, but God let my heart forgive her.  I believe that she is a good person who just had made some bad decisions.  I think that she is lacking relationships in her life that continue to remind her she is a good person and can do good things, right things.  I can say this not only from the time we spent getting to know each other leading up to Noah's birth but also the very intimate 72 hours we spend together after his birth.  My mean really I was in the delivery room and stayed in her hospital room with her while she was there, you can't help but get to know someone under those conditions.

While we were in Vegas and after TPR was signed our relationship with D took a major hit and alot of hurtful things were said.  I can't help think it was her way of dealing with the pain and distancing herself from it all.  But it hurt and it has been hard to recover from it sometimes.  There has never really been any closure on this chapter we never really got to say good-bye and spend some time paving the road of this relationship before we left.  We never saw each other after the night in the hotel she signed the papers for Noah, it is not how I wanted it but it is how it happened and we can't change that and I have told her how sorry I was it happened that way.  There were alot of things that took place that lead to the decision and we both may have handled it wrong.  I think it would be easier to move forward from it if she was showing she really wants the type of relationship with us and Noah she said she did, but she has done everything but show that and it is hard.  I can't help but wonder if she has never had people in her life that are truly sorry for something that may have hurt her, or if the people she has in her life make it a habit of feeling people are only out to hurt her. 

 There have been so many things she has done to show she does care, like letting me/us be there with Noah from the very first breath, literally.  Or the very large pack of her medical records, yes I said her medical records I received in the mail over the weekend.  When I got the pack in the mail and saw the return address to the agency I really had no idea what it could be.  I sat for a moment before opening it not knowing if I wanted to know what it was.  And then when I did I sat and cried.  I cried because that showed me the D I had gotten to know was still there that she cared enough to want Noah to have these.  I have to be honest I have not read them, and I am not sure if I want to or will.  They are Noah's history not mine.  Do I think there is anything in there that I don't know, not really.  Is there anything in there that will change things, not really, but  on the outside chance there is I don't know if I want to know anyway.  It will only change the way I look at D and I don't really want anything else to have a factor on that. 

Also alot of people ask why do I care, why do I want her in our life.  I do for Noah, part for selfish reasons, like if something were to happen to him and I needed medical information or even worse bone marrow or anything.  Other are for him, down the road he is going to have questions; he is going to want to know, know things I can't answer for him.  D and I have talked about how hard it is for her to have questions and no answers, she was adopted as well, but it was a fully closed adoption.  I don't want him to become the lost soul she seems to have become.  At the time it happened I thought it so strange, the last day she had with Noah to spend time with him before signing TPR she choose to spend it with me in a casino/bar telling me things, things I couldn't understand at the time.  Now I know they are things she wanted me to know incase we got on that plane and never looked back.  But most of all I want her in our life because we have grown to love her too and we will continue to love her.  Maybe in time things will get better and we will figure this out.  I have to keep telling myself it has only been 7 weeks and things like this take time.  I guess the big question is does time heal all wonds?  I hope in this case it does I really do.  If I had to say right now in this very second do I think she will be better about staying in touch down the road, I say yes, I do think she will.  I say that because in my heart I know D loves, Noah and loves us and knows we love her, and knows she will be welcomed with open arms and hearts!

Love,

Melinda

Poem

 

I saw this poem on two other blogs that I follow and realized how true it is.  Even though I have meet Noah's birth mom and had become close to her the tought has entered my mind at least a million times.  How blessed we are that she choose us to be apart of his life.  We don't have the best relationship right now, more on that in a post to follow, but she is still a big part of us.  A part we could never forget. 

 

I tiptoed into your room one night.

I watched you sleeping there.

Your tiny body looked so snug

Wrapped in peaceful slumber's care.

 

I thought of how you came to be

The child we'd longed to know.

I wondered at the sight of you:

"How could she let you go?"

 

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I

Felt the pain she must have known.

For I will have to let you go

Some day when you are grown.

 

A mother I might never meet

Had given me her son.

Yet, surely as you've filled my heart,

A piece of hers you'd won.

 

"How could she let you go?"

The question kept returning.

And in the depths of my own heart.

A question kept on burning.

 

"How can I ever let you go

When years have come and gone?"

I stood there by your crib until

The nighttime turned to dawn.

 

And as the sun peeked through the shades,

The voice of God broke through.

"I trusted her to give him life

And now I'm trusting to you.

 

"To show him what is right and wrong,

to love him and to be

The one who teaches him the way

To come back home to me.

 

"He wasn't hers to give, you know.

And he's not yours to own.

I've placed him in your life to love

But he is mine … on loan."-Valerie Kay Gwin

One month..already

It has been 1 month since our lives changed forever!  I want to sit and cry at how fast this time is passing.  I see so many changes in Noah it isn't even funny.  Aside from the growth, he really should be out of his newborn size cloths and in the 0 to 3 months but, I just can't do it yet!  He was able to fit into them ok until this past weekend, when I put the newborn size sleeper on him it looked like a bodysuit not a sleeper!  He is also on to the size 1 diapers too.  He is much more alert when he is up and will turn his head towards you when you say his name.  He has the biggest dark brown eyes, I think they are going to stay that color.  I also think they are going to get him out of ALOT of trouble later on in life, because he looks at you and it melts your heart!  I swear sometime he can just smile at you with his eyes.  I also think he is going to be very independent very quickly, last night when we were trying to get him down for bed he would spit his binkey out and then turn his head and stick his tongue out to try to get it back.  To be honest I am not surprised by it because D was a very independent strong-willed person herself, and he has me as a mommy!  Daddy is the one taking care of him full-time right now, and doing a great job at it.  I know it is hard on Joe some days but there is no other place I would want him since I can't do it myself!

Everyone in the family is head over heals in love.  My nephew who is 2 really loves him, for now anyway.  When we were visiting the other day he kept coming to me and saying "Noah, up!" "Noah, up!"  He was sleeping in his car seat.  A few times I went to check until I realized he wanted me to GET Noah up.  He covers him with kisses each time we see him he covers Noah with kisses.  My niece who is 5, she is a little harder to read but I know she was excited about him.  Last year for her birthday she asked her grandma if I would have a baby for it and grandma told her no, well this year we do!  I know she was a little unhappy it was a boy and not a girl.  I don't think she realizes that having a girl would mean having to share the title of princess, which she would NOT do happily. 

Stat tuned for more updates

Love,

Joe, Melinda and Noah

 

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While in Vegas

This is a little of the story of Noah's arrival.  I am not going to give all the details because some things need to be kept for Noah and some things I just don't think are fair to "D" to tell everyone.  Because I don't want anyone to thing she is anything but an amazing person who gave Joe and I and our family the most amazing gift, the gift of a life we could not have on our own and that my friend is pretty amazing.

So our flight leaves Sunday around 1 from Pittsburgh and we fly to Atlanta.  We have about a 2 hour lay over so Joe, my mom, she went with us, and I go and get some dinner.  It is a 5 hour flight from Atlanta to Las Vegas so we want dinner before we leave.  We are sitting talking and I start to cry we are one step closer to meeting her.  Just as we are talking my phone rings I have a text message it is "D" asking when we leave and will get to Vegas.  I tell her we are on our way and give her our flight information.  We board our flight we are on our way.  We get to Vegas around 9:30, which is 12:30 here in PA.  We get off our flight and head to baggage claim and there stands "D" with signs for us and her 5-year-old son "T".  She met us with BIG hugs and pictures and signs and just like we were going to see family.  Now keep in mind this is the FIRST time we have ever met, we have just formed such an amazing bond over the phone. 

The following day we pick "D" up and go to lunch and spend hours talking and visiting.  We head to the doctor for her last visit.  She gets called back into the room and turns to me and said well are you coming?  I am not going to say no!  We get to her room and the nurse starts asking questions and said to "D" and who is this and looks at me and she said this is the babies mom!  I start to cry, I am such a baby!  Then the tears get worse, I get to hear his heart beat for the first time, it is a sound I will NEVER forget.  "D" and I cry together at the sound of it and that we got the share it together.  After the doctor's office we head to the hospital to get registered for tomorrow, her C section has been scheduled for 7:30 PM.  Are you kidding what are we going to do ALL day tomorrow?

We get up on Tuesday morning and decide to head to Hoover Dam and Lake Mead to keep us busy and not just sitting and watching the clock.  It was nice spending the day with Joe and my mom.  I didn't think about the fact in just few hours the child that may be our son is going to be born.  We got back to our hotel for dinner before we left for the hospital.  We stayed at this amazing Marriott, with the best staff ever, it had a full kitchen, living room/dining room combo, 2 bedroom and a full bath.  In fact it was bigger the first apartment Joe and I had.  Anyway, we cooked dinner and sat to eat.  I remember saying, I feel like I should have gone to church today.  So the three of us, my mom , Joe and I all held hands and prayed.  Prayed the "D" the baby made it through surgery ok, that the baby was healthy and that God was in our presence of the next few days.  Before we know it it's time to go to the OR, we go to a back room, "D" and I, they take her into the room to get her ready and have me in the hall putting on a gown.  The next thing I know the nurse that had been taking care of us came out into the hall and put her arm around me and said, she wants her mom.  I feel my heart drop and I don't know what to do or say.  Her mom came back to the hall and they got a gown on her and the doctor was there washing up, he looks at me as I am crying and said to the nurse does she not want her in there and the nurse said yes but she wants her mom too, they will only let 1 person in with her.  He said come on let's go your son is about to be born.  The next few minutes were nothing I will ever be able to put into words and I feel bad that Joe was not able to be there with me.  I do know that I knew in the instant my life was never going to be the same again, even if this baby didn't leave this hospital with me, my life was going to be changed.  I have only ever experienced that kind of instant love 2 other times in my life, but yet it was so different. 

The next 48 hours were spent sleeping on the pull out bed in the hospital with "D".  I think I left the hospital for a total of 3 hours and that was not even 3 straight hours.  To some people it may seem a little strange that we did that, but we had become so close over the past few months.  To be honest I think she needed that time with both Noah and I, to be ok with her decision.  I got VERY little sleep those few days.  Monday night I was up just nervous about Tuesday and then very little at the hospital.  So needless to say by the end of the week I was spent.  Thursday morning we found out that she and the baby would be discharged from the hospital.  In so many ways this was bad, because she could not sign paper, they were called TPR, until Friday night.  So we needed to get a plan together as to where she and the baby would go until then.  Everyone was trying to talk her into staying at the hospital but she was sent on leaving.  The more they tried to talk her into staying the worse it got.  The hospital social worker came into talk to us before I left to go shower and get the car seat.  The feeling I had that morning is a feeling I never want to feel again in my life.  The social worker stopped me in the hall to see if everything was ok and how things were going.  I lost it, I was hysterical crying, telling her I know that I was never going to see her or Noah again.  I truly felt in my heart that she was going to be gone when I came back to get her and Noah.  She and I talked a little and she promised she would go and speak with "D" and call me.  I kept saying don't make me come back and find an empty room please don't.  Not long after I got back to the hotel to shower she called and said that "D" was worried I wasn't going to come back for her and the baby.  I realized at that moment that God wanted me to feel that way, to think I was never going to see the child I had grown to love and think of as my son.  To feel so helpless in the situation.  He wanted me to feel that way so I could feel what she was feeling so I could better understand and appreciate what was about to happen.  I try not to think of that moment very often because I can't breath when I do.  Anyway we returned to the hospital and "D" was there waiting for us.  Plans were set up for her to stay in a room at the same hotel as us so we could all be close together.  We had a wonderful evening visiting and spending time together, her parents came to visit and brought her 5 year son "T" to visit and he spent the night with her.  She said she wanted 1 night with her two boys before Noah left, as hard as it was for me I could not stop her from taking him.  At one point she was sitting on the sofa with Noah and was sobbing and talking real soft with him.  Looking back now I realize she wa saying good-bye, but at that moment I didn't know.  She went to her room to get "T" ready for bed and was coming back for Noah, she never did. 

The next day was THE day, the social worker was coming at 7:30 pm for "D" to sign TPR.  We took Noah to the doctor at 11:30.  On the way back to the hotel "D" said she would like just her and I to spend sometime together.  We left Noah with Joe and my mom and she and I went to lunch.  We spent hours talking, talking about everything, our childhood, our dreams our goals.  The things we both wish for Noah, things I think she wanted me to know to be able to tell him when the time comes.  I found it so odd she didn't want to spend the time with Noah.  We almost didn't make it back to the hotel in time for the social workers to come.  We did get to spend a little bit of time with him and then the came.  We all visited for a little bit and then they asked us to leave.  We let them use our room so "D" would have some privacy as she made a decision that was going to change her life forever.  We waited for what seemed like hours in the lobby of the hotel, in reality it was more like hour to an hour and a half.  Our social worker rounded the corner and our eyes met and she smiled, and I lost it.  I cried to finally be holding "our" child, for the craziness of the week that I did not speak about to be done and  for the pain "D" must be feeling.  Noah is perfect in every way and for being such a small little boy has answered so many prayers.  My mom said to me your face is going to hurt from smiling and I said never besides I cried alot of tears to be able to smile like this.

This is where I feel things with this part of the story ends.  Some of the things that happened since then I want to keep just for Noah. 

We want to thank you all for coming along for this ride with us, for your love, support and prayers.  The thing is the ride has just started.  We plan on keeping with the blog and we move through this adopt and as Noah grows.  So you are all invited to continue on the ride with us if you would like.

Thank you for everything.

Love

Melinda, Joe and Noah

The start of our story

November 5^th

We are on our way to our nephews 2^nd birthday party, just another Saturday evening right.  Then the chime on my phone rights, it is D we have been talking with each other for a few days now.  She found us on a website we listed our profile on, sort of a networking type thing as we wait with our agency.  It is always exciting when you make contact with a mom that is thinking of making an adoption plan.  But it is also like don’t get too excited because the other shoe is going to fall, it always does.  We spend most of the evening texting and then I get “the” text, I want you and Joe to adopt my child.  I fell in love with your profile.  Small party on the inside right!  I can hardly keep it in and Joe and I sneak away for a second so I can tell him.  A million thought run through my mind, we have talked to other mom’s in the past but none that have ever said I want you to adopt my child.  We leaving it that we are going to talk on the phone the following day.  How am I ever going to sleep tonight!

November 6^th

I made it through the night, not much sleep but made it.  We went to church and ran some errands before D is to call. Now the waiting!  Well we waited almost all day but she did call.  She is the most amazing woman.  We spent 2 hours on the phone talking about everything.  Why she wants to place her child for adoption, why she chose us, what we both see for a relationship for us all in the future.  D herself is adopted and only wants an open adoption of calls and emails and pictures, she just wanted to be able to sit down in the future and explain things and answer questions that she was never able to ask since she had a closed adoption.  When it is time to get off the phone I know this will be the true test of if she is sincere about making an adoption plan.  I tell her we are signed with an agency and everything needs to be done with them.  I feel my heart fall as I tell her this because I don’t want to hear what she has to say because I love her and then it happens, she said the words… Not a problem I think it is best for us both to have an agency involved.  Here is my address and my mom’s phone number, talk to your social worker and find out who I need to call.  And then it happens I lose it, this might be happening!  I know we have a lot to work out still but this is good right!?

 November 12^th

It has been a whirlwind week.  We were in contact with our agency to see what we needed to do and who D needed to get in touch with at the local agency in her state.  Only to find out that our agency does not have an office in that state at all, they will need to find an agency to transfer us to.  Great we have been down along road so far and now we need to get used to another agency.  We get the information on the new agency and what will happen, we can’t be reading this right can we, the fees are less than ½ of what we thought they would be.  Now we will have the money for travel, this is working way to well, something is going to happen, and it always does.

We have a great conservation with the social worker at the new agency, she is the sweetest girl.  She explains some things to us and what our options are and what they can do for D.  The first piece of advice given to us by the social workers at both agencies, since we will still be working with our agency here in PA as well, tell us to pay for an assessment to be done with D.  Just for the social workers to get a feel of things and get back round information we may not get on our own.  Joe and I instantly agree that we want to do this.  So the meeting is set up with D and the social worker for next Tuesday and we should have a report Thursday or Friday.

November 18^th

I don’t even know where to begin as I sit to write this, so many thought and emotions are running in my mind.  We got the assessment emailed to us late last night from our PA social worker.  I sit for a long time this morning before opening it.  This is either going to say this is it or run, run as fast as you can in the other direction.  I finally open it and read it I have to do it eventually right.  So I read it and email our PA social worker some questions we have and we both agree there are a few things that are not overly clear and we need more information on it.  So I make it through the work day with all this going on in my head counting down the minutes until I get home and call our other social worker.  The great thing about this is they are several hours behind us in time so I can still call her today.  Joe and I call and have a conference call with her.  We talk and she answers all our questions and we talk a little and she gives us her advice on moving forward.  I start to cry and can’t control it.  I just break down, everything emotions from this entire process comes out.  I don’t think our social worker really knows what to say, I can only hear her say are you ok?  I can’t even get the words out, so Joe answers with tears yes we are ok, we have just been matched with D!  I never thought this day would come.  I know we have a long road ahead of us and there will been good days and bad days, but there are those in life in general for now today is a good day.  We have been matched!  D is due on February 4^th with a boy! 

December 16^th

The past few weeks have had many ups and downs.  I don’t understand many of the decisions D makes and the things she does.  It keeps me up many nights worrying about her, and I mean her not the baby.  Joe and I have grown to care about her so much over the past few weeks.  A friend who also adopted said she wishes she had more direct contact with her child’s birth mother and all I can say is no you don’t.  Yes building a relationship with D at our pace and being able to call when we are thinking of her is great.  We are building that trust with each other to know we will each do what we say we are going to do is great.  But with that also comes knowing all her problems and being involved in every bad decision.  It has caused so many night crying and not knowing what to do to help her.  Our social worker from the state D lives in has been a God sent, I don’t know what we would do without her during this process.  One of our social workers from our agency was here today to update some paper work we need to be legal in the adoption world.  The state D lives in has different laws that ours so we had some updates we needed to do.  She also had many encouraging words for us during this process.  Right now we are going on prayer and hope that things will work out.

January 4, 1012

D is due in 1 month from today.  With each passing day new thoughts and nerves enter my mind and body.  With each passing doubt I try my best to breath and get on bended knee to God.  I have to be honest I don’t think D will make it to her due date, and I hope for her she goes a little early.  See D is a very small girl and the last picture we got at Christmas, she is very large.  Every day we talk to her she is saying about how much her back and shoulders hurt her from the weight on her tummy. 

Things have been so busy with getting our stuff ready to go and the babies stuff, and getting a hotel lined up and cars and stuff.  Plus getting things taken care of at work, thank God I have great employers and they have been so so supportive of this. 

I think the next few weeks might be the longest of my life, but I will just try to stay busy and not think about it…easier said than done right!

January 13, 2012

Well D had a doctor’s visit today.  Things are looking good and moving along slowly.  They are still working on trying to get things together for her to have a c section for Joe and me to be there for his birth.  There are so many emotions with each passing day.  I have really highs thinking this could be happening and then really lows thinking my heart will be broken.  I keep telling my mom that God won’t let my heart get hurt again, and I really believe that, most of the time!

January 17^th

So my mom and I went for pedi’s tonight thinking this might be our last “girls” night for awhile.  Plus to just get my mind off of things and pass the time.  Just as we get into the chair my cell phone rings and I know the number is to Dena’s doctor’s office.  This could be it….well it wasn’t, it was just the phone call to say that a c section has been scheduled for the 31^st.  Not even 5 minutes later D calls, she is so excited, you will get to meet your son soon.  We talk for a few minutes and then I get to relaxing…ya right.  It hits me all at once and I break down.  Every thought, every emotion, every tear to this point hits me in the middle of a nail salon, great!  They are all going to think I am crazy, or more than I am.  My mom and I talk, so this is our last “girls” night.  It is decided then that we will fly out on Sunday the 29^th.  We will get to finally meet D and spend Monday with her.  This is really happening.

January 28, 2012

Well we are packed and ready to go, our plane leaves tomorrow at lunchtime.  All the years and tears and hopes and everything has come to this.  I hope we don’t travel all that way to be let down.  I wonder what D will think of us, what our first meeting will be like.  What if she decides she doesn’t like us?  What if she sees him and decides she can’t do this.  Will I still love her if she does do that?  But surely God would not have brought this far for it not to happen.  I have so many thought running through my mind at this point, thought I can’t put into words and thought I really just want to keep to myself.  I know that to this point we have been very open about things but some of this story is going to be kept to us and maybe someday for our son. 

Once we get back I will post with all the details of our trip.

Love,

Melinda and Joe