Monday, March 26, 2012


Ok so lets face it, relationships are hard work, some more so than others.  Some are worth putting the work into and some not so much.  Some it takes years to develop some it takes years to realize they are no longer worth the work they take.  And some you walk away from and realize you should have put the work into it and pray you get the second chance to.  Come on we are all adults and you all know what I am talking about.  It is a part of life I guess.  But the one relationship that is the hardest for me is ours with Noah's birth mom. 

Let me start by saying when we started the entire process of adoption Joe and I were not open to having an open adoption, not at all.  We really wanted no part of it at all.  We wanted to walk into the hospital get "our" baby and leave and never look back.  I know it sounds so heartless and cruel but that is what we thought at first.  We were very uneducated and selfish.  The more into the process we got and the more we educated ourselves and the more we opened our hearts the more God spoke to us about this.  We then moved to the well; letters and pictures won't hurt will they?  Then it was well maybe a visit or two a year but that is it, I still want to be the parent not the baby sitter, if that makes sense to you.  I mean she is giving us such an amazing gift, the gift of a life we could not create.  I know alot of that is very blunt and can come across as mean but I have promised to be nothing but honest with you about this process and our feeling during it and I can't change what they were, I can only learn from them.

Then D found us and everything changed!  We had SO much contact during the time we were waiting for Noah to be born.  We talked everyday, several times a day from the beginning of November to the end of January.  We learned everything , alot about each other, enough to know that she is someone I would want in our life.  Yes there were many things that came out into the open while we were in the hospital when Noah was born, but God let my heart forgive her.  I believe that she is a good person who just had made some bad decisions.  I think that she is lacking relationships in her life that continue to remind her she is a good person and can do good things, right things.  I can say this not only from the time we spent getting to know each other leading up to Noah's birth but also the very intimate 72 hours we spend together after his birth.  My mean really I was in the delivery room and stayed in her hospital room with her while she was there, you can't help but get to know someone under those conditions.

While we were in Vegas and after TPR was signed our relationship with D took a major hit and alot of hurtful things were said.  I can't help think it was her way of dealing with the pain and distancing herself from it all.  But it hurt and it has been hard to recover from it sometimes.  There has never really been any closure on this chapter we never really got to say good-bye and spend some time paving the road of this relationship before we left.  We never saw each other after the night in the hotel she signed the papers for Noah, it is not how I wanted it but it is how it happened and we can't change that and I have told her how sorry I was it happened that way.  There were alot of things that took place that lead to the decision and we both may have handled it wrong.  I think it would be easier to move forward from it if she was showing she really wants the type of relationship with us and Noah she said she did, but she has done everything but show that and it is hard.  I can't help but wonder if she has never had people in her life that are truly sorry for something that may have hurt her, or if the people she has in her life make it a habit of feeling people are only out to hurt her. 

 There have been so many things she has done to show she does care, like letting me/us be there with Noah from the very first breath, literally.  Or the very large pack of her medical records, yes I said her medical records I received in the mail over the weekend.  When I got the pack in the mail and saw the return address to the agency I really had no idea what it could be.  I sat for a moment before opening it not knowing if I wanted to know what it was.  And then when I did I sat and cried.  I cried because that showed me the D I had gotten to know was still there that she cared enough to want Noah to have these.  I have to be honest I have not read them, and I am not sure if I want to or will.  They are Noah's history not mine.  Do I think there is anything in there that I don't know, not really.  Is there anything in there that will change things, not really, but  on the outside chance there is I don't know if I want to know anyway.  It will only change the way I look at D and I don't really want anything else to have a factor on that. 

Also alot of people ask why do I care, why do I want her in our life.  I do for Noah, part for selfish reasons, like if something were to happen to him and I needed medical information or even worse bone marrow or anything.  Other are for him, down the road he is going to have questions; he is going to want to know, know things I can't answer for him.  D and I have talked about how hard it is for her to have questions and no answers, she was adopted as well, but it was a fully closed adoption.  I don't want him to become the lost soul she seems to have become.  At the time it happened I thought it so strange, the last day she had with Noah to spend time with him before signing TPR she choose to spend it with me in a casino/bar telling me things, things I couldn't understand at the time.  Now I know they are things she wanted me to know incase we got on that plane and never looked back.  But most of all I want her in our life because we have grown to love her too and we will continue to love her.  Maybe in time things will get better and we will figure this out.  I have to keep telling myself it has only been 7 weeks and things like this take time.  I guess the big question is does time heal all wonds?  I hope in this case it does I really do.  If I had to say right now in this very second do I think she will be better about staying in touch down the road, I say yes, I do think she will.  I say that because in my heart I know D loves, Noah and loves us and knows we love her, and knows she will be welcomed with open arms and hearts!



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