Friday, November 2, 2012
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
So different
As I sit on this Halloween night and listen to my son play I think back to how different last year was. The past week has had alot of reflection for me. I have signed up for an interview type exchange with the blog site I am listed on. You get matched with a family who is writing another blog and the idea is to read each others blog and then interview them. I have been matched with a family who is still in the waiting process, so they are at a different point than we are. I went back and reread every post I have wrote from the beginning of the process and try to read it from her point of view. Every single emotion came back to me just like they were at that moment if not worse. Worse because I now see what a dark place I was in and couldn't or wouldn't see it then. Adoption is a hard process there is no sugar coating it in anyway. You want to live your life and that is what you are told to do but it is next to impossible, every joyful thing always has some sort of dark cloud over it. You try to ignore it but in the back of your mind you can't. You put a fake smile on and pretend all is right with the world.
I was at my lowest of lows. Joe and I had just decided that we were done with the adoption process at the end of the year. I was just so defeated. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, all the little kids talking about costumes and getting to be anything they want to be. The leaves are changing colors and there is a crisp feel in the air. For me last year I didn't see any of this all I saw was darkness. I didn't even participate in trick or treating last year I sat in my house in the dark wanting to fade away.
Little did I know that in just 5 short days things would change so much. I would be so full of hope and excitement. The few months we waited for Noah were not always a walk in the park but neither were the months leading up to that.
I guess the point I am trying to get a is not matter how bad it gets it will get better. It will all be worth it in the end. The pain of it all never goes away totally, or at least is hasn't for me, and I hope it doesn't to be honest. I am afraid if it does I will take what I have for granted and not appreciate it. Also things can change in the blink of an eye so always keep the faith that tomorrow could be the day.
Nine months have gone by and each day has new changes now. Noah was not in the picture taking mood tonight so I am hoping we will get his 9 month pictures tomorrow. He has month doctors visit tomorrow too so I will have his update too.
We didn't get to have trick or treating tonight because of the storms but below is a picture of Noah from the other day for a parade they had at Joe's work that we took him to.
Noah's update to follow soon
Love
Melinda
I was at my lowest of lows. Joe and I had just decided that we were done with the adoption process at the end of the year. I was just so defeated. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, all the little kids talking about costumes and getting to be anything they want to be. The leaves are changing colors and there is a crisp feel in the air. For me last year I didn't see any of this all I saw was darkness. I didn't even participate in trick or treating last year I sat in my house in the dark wanting to fade away.
Little did I know that in just 5 short days things would change so much. I would be so full of hope and excitement. The few months we waited for Noah were not always a walk in the park but neither were the months leading up to that.
I guess the point I am trying to get a is not matter how bad it gets it will get better. It will all be worth it in the end. The pain of it all never goes away totally, or at least is hasn't for me, and I hope it doesn't to be honest. I am afraid if it does I will take what I have for granted and not appreciate it. Also things can change in the blink of an eye so always keep the faith that tomorrow could be the day.
Nine months have gone by and each day has new changes now. Noah was not in the picture taking mood tonight so I am hoping we will get his 9 month pictures tomorrow. He has month doctors visit tomorrow too so I will have his update too.
We didn't get to have trick or treating tonight because of the storms but below is a picture of Noah from the other day for a parade they had at Joe's work that we took him to.
Noah's update to follow soon
Love
Melinda
Monday, October 22, 2012
All that matters
There are about a million other things I could be or should be doing right now while Noah is sleeping but here I sit. I have been thinking about this post for a few days now and just haven't had time to sit and write it.
We have been trying very hard to have families that have adopted, are in the process of adopting or will be adopting in our lives. Not to down play the other relationships or people in our lives but we do want to have those relationships in our lives too. No matter how hard someone tries they don't know what the shoes we have walked in are like unless they have walked too. Not only do we want it for us we want Noah to have other children to relate to in this area of his life down the road too. Like I said before, we have amazing people in our life who have shown such support and love to Joe and I, but the love they have for Noah is beyond words.
A few months ago we were connected with a family from our area that was in the process of adopting. She and I have been in touch for a few months via email and facebook. It had been a busy summer for both of our families. Us with finalizing Noah's adoption and them planning for a placement! Finally after weeks of communication, earlier this week our families finally got to meet. I have to say leading up to the meeting I spent sometime thinking about how in some ways our journey was the same and is so many ways it was different. I was worried that our feelings, experience and views would be so different on things, more so the agency that we would not hit it off. They would not want to talk to us again or see us again. We had used the same agency and had very different experiences and I was really worried about that. Just a short time into the meeting I realized my worried were going to be unfounded, and quiet honestly able to finish each others thoughts and feelings on some things. This got me to thinking, we have several couples we are friends with, well more the wifes are friends, that have adopted. We each started our path at the same place, maybe all for different reasons, or not so different reasons, and ended in the same place. We have had twists and turns along the way, some of us more than others, some of us took longer than others. Heck one of the couples wasn't even really looking to adopt when they got matched with their second child but God had other plans. Some of us started with the same agency and that is how we meet, some walked away with a great experience and other not so happy. But we all still have a common bond the same feelings, the same start and finish and that is what really matters isn't it? We are here to support each other and be there for each other as we navigate the world of adoption. Sometimes we can relate directly with each other and other times we can't but what matters is we are all there for each other. To listen to the other cry when need be, to celebrate for each other and to lend an ear and really that is what friendship is about right. Just think if we were all the same had the same experiences and live the same life.
The great thing is all of the families have adopted boys all with in a few months of each other so I am looking forward to them growing and hopefully becoming friends, and having each other's backs too.
Anyway, we had a great visit and she and I are even looking into trying to start an adoption support group in our area since there are none here. I am looking forward to moving through these relationships.
Love
Melinda
We have been trying very hard to have families that have adopted, are in the process of adopting or will be adopting in our lives. Not to down play the other relationships or people in our lives but we do want to have those relationships in our lives too. No matter how hard someone tries they don't know what the shoes we have walked in are like unless they have walked too. Not only do we want it for us we want Noah to have other children to relate to in this area of his life down the road too. Like I said before, we have amazing people in our life who have shown such support and love to Joe and I, but the love they have for Noah is beyond words.
A few months ago we were connected with a family from our area that was in the process of adopting. She and I have been in touch for a few months via email and facebook. It had been a busy summer for both of our families. Us with finalizing Noah's adoption and them planning for a placement! Finally after weeks of communication, earlier this week our families finally got to meet. I have to say leading up to the meeting I spent sometime thinking about how in some ways our journey was the same and is so many ways it was different. I was worried that our feelings, experience and views would be so different on things, more so the agency that we would not hit it off. They would not want to talk to us again or see us again. We had used the same agency and had very different experiences and I was really worried about that. Just a short time into the meeting I realized my worried were going to be unfounded, and quiet honestly able to finish each others thoughts and feelings on some things. This got me to thinking, we have several couples we are friends with, well more the wifes are friends, that have adopted. We each started our path at the same place, maybe all for different reasons, or not so different reasons, and ended in the same place. We have had twists and turns along the way, some of us more than others, some of us took longer than others. Heck one of the couples wasn't even really looking to adopt when they got matched with their second child but God had other plans. Some of us started with the same agency and that is how we meet, some walked away with a great experience and other not so happy. But we all still have a common bond the same feelings, the same start and finish and that is what really matters isn't it? We are here to support each other and be there for each other as we navigate the world of adoption. Sometimes we can relate directly with each other and other times we can't but what matters is we are all there for each other. To listen to the other cry when need be, to celebrate for each other and to lend an ear and really that is what friendship is about right. Just think if we were all the same had the same experiences and live the same life.
The great thing is all of the families have adopted boys all with in a few months of each other so I am looking forward to them growing and hopefully becoming friends, and having each other's backs too.
Anyway, we had a great visit and she and I are even looking into trying to start an adoption support group in our area since there are none here. I am looking forward to moving through these relationships.
Love
Melinda
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Small reminders
It seems like the weekends are nothing but a marathon of running! Joe is working every Saturday so my day starts with a quick shower before he leaves so I have 10 minutes of quiet time before my day starts. Getting Noah dressed and diaper changed is enough of a workout for an Olympic athlete. Then picking up his dump trucks, train, tether and anything else that he thinks is funny to throw off the high chair like 700 times a day, you would think my waist would be as big around as a pencil. All this before our 9:30 nap. While he is napping, which if we are lucky is about a hour and half, I get my self dressed and ready to go grocery shopping, picking up the house and trying to do a load of laundry. Then on to the afternoon! We, Noah and I, go grocery shopping, come home and put it away, had his afternoon feeding and start our high chair ritual all over again! Most weekends and weeknights Joe works I feel like I need a nap with him at 5:30. Most days I feel like I don't have enough time in the day. I have stacks of photos that need organized and put in albums, I swear Noah will be 30 before his baby book is even started let alone complete for him. There is always laundry that needs done, and the house is always in need of cleaning.
Today was an unusual day for me because my parents kept Noah for me to run my errands because it was so cold and rainy out. I was able to go and do my shopping and even have lunch by myself which was something I never thought I would like to do. I got to put my food away without picked up the toys while doing it. I ran the vacuum without Noah freaking out from the noise of it.
After I got home and fed Noah and was putting him down for his evening nap and it hit me. Noah was asleep on my shoulder and I could see his face, his angel like face, and was sitting and rocking in his room. There was just enough light coming in the windows that I could see around the room, and that is when it hit me! Just a year ago this room that used to bring me such peace and does now, didn't at that time. I had hit rock bottom this time last year, I just couldn't do it anymore, I wanted Joe to pack the stuff up in the room and get rid of it, I couldn't look at it anymore. My emotions and heart had been pulled through the ringer. I was an emotional mess and didn't know which end was up. I cried each day, sometimes all day, just praying for an answer, some sort of sign as to what was right to do. It hurts my heart now to think I wanted to walk away! Especially as I looked at the miracle sleeping in my arms. Not a day goes by that he doesn't do something that melts my heart, no matter how hard of a day it is,he either smiles at me just when I need it or he will rub his hand on your cheeks after you give him a kiss.
It is hard to believe that he is 8 months old already! He has 2 teeth and is giving his all to crawl! He is vocal, very vocal when he wants to be, and God does he have a temper! But I wouldn't trade it for a second. God continues to send me small reminders and not so small reminders each and everyday!
Love
Melinda
[slideshow]
Today was an unusual day for me because my parents kept Noah for me to run my errands because it was so cold and rainy out. I was able to go and do my shopping and even have lunch by myself which was something I never thought I would like to do. I got to put my food away without picked up the toys while doing it. I ran the vacuum without Noah freaking out from the noise of it.
After I got home and fed Noah and was putting him down for his evening nap and it hit me. Noah was asleep on my shoulder and I could see his face, his angel like face, and was sitting and rocking in his room. There was just enough light coming in the windows that I could see around the room, and that is when it hit me! Just a year ago this room that used to bring me such peace and does now, didn't at that time. I had hit rock bottom this time last year, I just couldn't do it anymore, I wanted Joe to pack the stuff up in the room and get rid of it, I couldn't look at it anymore. My emotions and heart had been pulled through the ringer. I was an emotional mess and didn't know which end was up. I cried each day, sometimes all day, just praying for an answer, some sort of sign as to what was right to do. It hurts my heart now to think I wanted to walk away! Especially as I looked at the miracle sleeping in my arms. Not a day goes by that he doesn't do something that melts my heart, no matter how hard of a day it is,he either smiles at me just when I need it or he will rub his hand on your cheeks after you give him a kiss.
It is hard to believe that he is 8 months old already! He has 2 teeth and is giving his all to crawl! He is vocal, very vocal when he wants to be, and God does he have a temper! But I wouldn't trade it for a second. God continues to send me small reminders and not so small reminders each and everyday!
Love
Melinda
[slideshow]
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Adoption Day
**Sorry this is over a week late, but Noah and I have been fighting colds for over a week now**
I thought when the day would come it would be no big deal, I mean really the hard stuff was over, and things were not going to be any different. Then it hit me Wednesday night as I was getting our clothes ready for the following day. I am not sure really what it was, the realization that something I have dreamed of my entire life was going to become a reality. I have known since I was 12 years old that it was going to be pretty much impossible for me to have a child. Then at 22 that became even more real. Then my thought's went to Noah's birth mother, does she know that tomorrow is even happening? I know this is what she wanted I am not saying that, but is still my thoughts kept drifting to her.
We were up early and on the road the following day to Pittsburgh for our hearing to take place. I was crying the minute we left the driveway, thank God my dad was driving. All the tears and years of heartache are coming to an end in just a few short hours. I know that Noah has been with us for 7 months, and he has been our son that long so it shouldn't be any big deal. But it is! We get to the office and visit with the social worker for a few minutes, before the call comes. We were lucky enough not to have to go back to Vegas for the hearing we were able to do it over the phone. The call lasted less that 10 minutes but it changed our life forever. It was a very emotional 10 minutes and hearing the judge say that Noah was legally OUR child my heart burst with joy. Knowing that NO ONE can ever come and take him means so much to us.
So one asked me when they found out things were over, so this means your adoption journey is over right? I didn't know how to answer that, I guess in some ways yes it is and in other's not even close. So this step in adoption is over and we move on to the next. Figuring out our relationship with Noah's birth mother and thing's down the road with Noah when he is old enough to ask questions.
I would love to say we will do it again, but I don't know if that will happen. Adoption is expensive and a long preocess and lets be honest money and age is not on our side. But if it is in God plan then I will not question it because I look at my son and see his work.
So I will continue to blog about Noah and other things at this point! Here are some pictures from our day!
Love,
Joe, Melinda and Noah
[gallery orderby="rand"]
I thought when the day would come it would be no big deal, I mean really the hard stuff was over, and things were not going to be any different. Then it hit me Wednesday night as I was getting our clothes ready for the following day. I am not sure really what it was, the realization that something I have dreamed of my entire life was going to become a reality. I have known since I was 12 years old that it was going to be pretty much impossible for me to have a child. Then at 22 that became even more real. Then my thought's went to Noah's birth mother, does she know that tomorrow is even happening? I know this is what she wanted I am not saying that, but is still my thoughts kept drifting to her.
We were up early and on the road the following day to Pittsburgh for our hearing to take place. I was crying the minute we left the driveway, thank God my dad was driving. All the tears and years of heartache are coming to an end in just a few short hours. I know that Noah has been with us for 7 months, and he has been our son that long so it shouldn't be any big deal. But it is! We get to the office and visit with the social worker for a few minutes, before the call comes. We were lucky enough not to have to go back to Vegas for the hearing we were able to do it over the phone. The call lasted less that 10 minutes but it changed our life forever. It was a very emotional 10 minutes and hearing the judge say that Noah was legally OUR child my heart burst with joy. Knowing that NO ONE can ever come and take him means so much to us.
So one asked me when they found out things were over, so this means your adoption journey is over right? I didn't know how to answer that, I guess in some ways yes it is and in other's not even close. So this step in adoption is over and we move on to the next. Figuring out our relationship with Noah's birth mother and thing's down the road with Noah when he is old enough to ask questions.
I would love to say we will do it again, but I don't know if that will happen. Adoption is expensive and a long preocess and lets be honest money and age is not on our side. But if it is in God plan then I will not question it because I look at my son and see his work.
So I will continue to blog about Noah and other things at this point! Here are some pictures from our day!
Love,
Joe, Melinda and Noah
[gallery orderby="rand"]
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Roundtable #40
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don’t need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you’re thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points–please feel free to adapt or expand on them.
Write a response at your blog–linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs–and share your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I’d appreciate it if you’d add a link back to the roundtable. If you don’t blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
What were your reasons for choosing open adoption? (Or, for adoptees, what are your reasons for continuing to invest in your relationships with your first family?)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have never wrote for any of the roundtable topics before but I felt drawn to this one for some reason.
To say open adoption was something we wanted from the get go would be a lie to be honest. We started to adoption process 2 years ago with the mind-set that we wanted a closed adoption we wanted no parts in an open adoption at all. I think what made us start off as wanting a closed adoption was starting this process in the foster care end of things. We took the classes thinking that is what we wanted to do. We left feeling all birth mothers were bad people. They lied, did drugs, took advantage of people. What else was a person to think, right. Over time and much thought and prayer my mind slowly changed. Well maybe a letter and pictures once in a while won't be so bad. Then it was ok well maybe a visit every so often would be ok too. It was a slow process coming to that decision to say the least, and I can't say there was just 1 thing that made us decide that. It was just the realization that this woman is giving us an amazing gift. The gift of a child, us being able to have a family, the gift of a life, what is the big deal about letters and pictures and visits. I have to admit part of it was for selfish reasons. God forbid something happens down the road, those birth parents will be our link to the medical history we need and maybe even worse, organs or other things. I know that sounds really bad and it sounds even worse as I type it out but it is the truth and I can't help it.
Then our son's birth mother got in touch with us and my outlook changed even more. We spend months building a relationship with her, getting to know her. Growing to love her. It became so much more than about a girl, or woman, who was going to give us her baby. She was a woman who needed someone who would be there for her no matter what. I remember being in the hospital after Noah was born and her telling me something and when I asked why she didn't tell me before she said remember how you told me you were afraid I would like you once I saw you and met you, well I was afraid if you know EVERYTHING you would change your mind. I wanted you to meet Noah and love him before I could tell you so you wouldn't change your mind. It was in the very moment that I knew that I would never go back on my word and I would always have an openess with her. And it wasn't for any of the reasons I listed above because the pretty much don't matter in this situation. I also saw the demons she fought everyday in her life, see she herself was adopted and it was a full closed adoption. (That is all the more I will say about her story, it is her's to tell). But I never wanted Noah to have the questions down the road and no one to answer them. Someday he is going to want to look at her and see his own eyes looking back, just like I can look at my father and see my eyes looking back. Or little things he does now I often wonder where does he get that. I am lucky enough to be able to ask that and find out.
Yes I will be honest it had been a hard road, alot of ups and downs. But I think we are getting to a better place in our relationship, or at least I am hoping we are. For the first time since Noah was placed with us we got an honest heartfelt letter from her and so did Noah (for when he is old enough to read and understand). Her heart hurts right now and that is ok it is allowed to and it will for a long time. She was a parent doing the best she could and she made a decision that most of us could never make if we were in those shoes. She is a human with feelings and I am not going to just write her off.
Write a response at your blog–linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs–and share your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I’d appreciate it if you’d add a link back to the roundtable. If you don’t blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
What were your reasons for choosing open adoption? (Or, for adoptees, what are your reasons for continuing to invest in your relationships with your first family?)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have never wrote for any of the roundtable topics before but I felt drawn to this one for some reason.
To say open adoption was something we wanted from the get go would be a lie to be honest. We started to adoption process 2 years ago with the mind-set that we wanted a closed adoption we wanted no parts in an open adoption at all. I think what made us start off as wanting a closed adoption was starting this process in the foster care end of things. We took the classes thinking that is what we wanted to do. We left feeling all birth mothers were bad people. They lied, did drugs, took advantage of people. What else was a person to think, right. Over time and much thought and prayer my mind slowly changed. Well maybe a letter and pictures once in a while won't be so bad. Then it was ok well maybe a visit every so often would be ok too. It was a slow process coming to that decision to say the least, and I can't say there was just 1 thing that made us decide that. It was just the realization that this woman is giving us an amazing gift. The gift of a child, us being able to have a family, the gift of a life, what is the big deal about letters and pictures and visits. I have to admit part of it was for selfish reasons. God forbid something happens down the road, those birth parents will be our link to the medical history we need and maybe even worse, organs or other things. I know that sounds really bad and it sounds even worse as I type it out but it is the truth and I can't help it.
Then our son's birth mother got in touch with us and my outlook changed even more. We spend months building a relationship with her, getting to know her. Growing to love her. It became so much more than about a girl, or woman, who was going to give us her baby. She was a woman who needed someone who would be there for her no matter what. I remember being in the hospital after Noah was born and her telling me something and when I asked why she didn't tell me before she said remember how you told me you were afraid I would like you once I saw you and met you, well I was afraid if you know EVERYTHING you would change your mind. I wanted you to meet Noah and love him before I could tell you so you wouldn't change your mind. It was in the very moment that I knew that I would never go back on my word and I would always have an openess with her. And it wasn't for any of the reasons I listed above because the pretty much don't matter in this situation. I also saw the demons she fought everyday in her life, see she herself was adopted and it was a full closed adoption. (That is all the more I will say about her story, it is her's to tell). But I never wanted Noah to have the questions down the road and no one to answer them. Someday he is going to want to look at her and see his own eyes looking back, just like I can look at my father and see my eyes looking back. Or little things he does now I often wonder where does he get that. I am lucky enough to be able to ask that and find out.
Yes I will be honest it had been a hard road, alot of ups and downs. But I think we are getting to a better place in our relationship, or at least I am hoping we are. For the first time since Noah was placed with us we got an honest heartfelt letter from her and so did Noah (for when he is old enough to read and understand). Her heart hurts right now and that is ok it is allowed to and it will for a long time. She was a parent doing the best she could and she made a decision that most of us could never make if we were in those shoes. She is a human with feelings and I am not going to just write her off.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
While he sleeps...
I try to squeeze so much into that time and for some reason the blog always gets put off and I am sorry. Our house has been getting used to new schedule and alot of one parent time with Noah due to work schedules.
Noah has grown alot in the past few weeks. He is eating everything and everything you give him and yells when you don't give it to him fast enough. From our 4 month check up to our 6 month check up he gained 4 lbs. which was a little bit of a shock but also a happy site since he wasn't really gaining a ton of weight with the spitting up so much and everything. That has seemed to slow down a great deal now which makes mommy and daddy happy. He is sitting up on his own, when he chooses to that is. He gets up like he is going to crawl but just rocks and rocks and then gives up. So I do think he will be crawling very soon. He is "talking" away when you let him and loves to laugh at the dogs. The dogs look at him like he is nuts which just makes him laugh more and harder.
He has become quick a pappy's boy over the past few months, especially since my mom started to watch him for us. I think all 3 of them are going to be lost come October when Noah starts going to daycare and not Grammy and pappy's house.
Each day my heart grows with the love I have for him. I didn't think it was possible to love him more than the day he was born and I am proved wrong each day. Being a mom is everything and more than I ever thought possible. I told my mom a few weeks ago I wasn't really living before Noah came into my life and the only thing I EVER wanted was to be a mother. That has happened now and when the time goes I can die a happy woman.
Enjoy the new photos of Noah.
Love Melinda
[slideshow]
Noah has grown alot in the past few weeks. He is eating everything and everything you give him and yells when you don't give it to him fast enough. From our 4 month check up to our 6 month check up he gained 4 lbs. which was a little bit of a shock but also a happy site since he wasn't really gaining a ton of weight with the spitting up so much and everything. That has seemed to slow down a great deal now which makes mommy and daddy happy. He is sitting up on his own, when he chooses to that is. He gets up like he is going to crawl but just rocks and rocks and then gives up. So I do think he will be crawling very soon. He is "talking" away when you let him and loves to laugh at the dogs. The dogs look at him like he is nuts which just makes him laugh more and harder.
He has become quick a pappy's boy over the past few months, especially since my mom started to watch him for us. I think all 3 of them are going to be lost come October when Noah starts going to daycare and not Grammy and pappy's house.
Each day my heart grows with the love I have for him. I didn't think it was possible to love him more than the day he was born and I am proved wrong each day. Being a mom is everything and more than I ever thought possible. I told my mom a few weeks ago I wasn't really living before Noah came into my life and the only thing I EVER wanted was to be a mother. That has happened now and when the time goes I can die a happy woman.
Enjoy the new photos of Noah.
Love Melinda
[slideshow]
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