The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don’t need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you’re thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points–please feel free to adapt or expand on them.
Write a response at your blog–linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs–and share your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I’d appreciate it if you’d add a link back to the roundtable. If you don’t blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
What were your reasons for choosing open adoption? (Or, for adoptees, what are your reasons for continuing to invest in your relationships with your first family?)
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I have never wrote for any of the roundtable topics before but I felt drawn to this one for some reason.
To say open adoption was something we wanted from the get go would be a lie to be honest. We started to adoption process 2 years ago with the mind-set that we wanted a closed adoption we wanted no parts in an open adoption at all. I think what made us start off as wanting a closed adoption was starting this process in the foster care end of things. We took the classes thinking that is what we wanted to do. We left feeling all birth mothers were bad people. They lied, did drugs, took advantage of people. What else was a person to think, right. Over time and much thought and prayer my mind slowly changed. Well maybe a letter and pictures once in a while won't be so bad. Then it was ok well maybe a visit every so often would be ok too. It was a slow process coming to that decision to say the least, and I can't say there was just 1 thing that made us decide that. It was just the realization that this woman is giving us an amazing gift. The gift of a child, us being able to have a family, the gift of a life, what is the big deal about letters and pictures and visits. I have to admit part of it was for selfish reasons. God forbid something happens down the road, those birth parents will be our link to the medical history we need and maybe even worse, organs or other things. I know that sounds really bad and it sounds even worse as I type it out but it is the truth and I can't help it.
Then our son's birth mother got in touch with us and my outlook changed even more. We spend months building a relationship with her, getting to know her. Growing to love her. It became so much more than about a girl, or woman, who was going to give us her baby. She was a woman who needed someone who would be there for her no matter what. I remember being in the hospital after Noah was born and her telling me something and when I asked why she didn't tell me before she said remember how you told me you were afraid I would like you once I saw you and met you, well I was afraid if you know EVERYTHING you would change your mind. I wanted you to meet Noah and love him before I could tell you so you wouldn't change your mind. It was in the very moment that I knew that I would never go back on my word and I would always have an openess with her. And it wasn't for any of the reasons I listed above because the pretty much don't matter in this situation. I also saw the demons she fought everyday in her life, see she herself was adopted and it was a full closed adoption. (That is all the more I will say about her story, it is her's to tell). But I never wanted Noah to have the questions down the road and no one to answer them. Someday he is going to want to look at her and see his own eyes looking back, just like I can look at my father and see my eyes looking back. Or little things he does now I often wonder where does he get that. I am lucky enough to be able to ask that and find out.
Yes I will be honest it had been a hard road, alot of ups and downs. But I think we are getting to a better place in our relationship, or at least I am hoping we are. For the first time since Noah was placed with us we got an honest heartfelt letter from her and so did Noah (for when he is old enough to read and understand). Her heart hurts right now and that is ok it is allowed to and it will for a long time. She was a parent doing the best she could and she made a decision that most of us could never make if we were in those shoes. She is a human with feelings and I am not going to just write her off.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
While he sleeps...
I try to squeeze so much into that time and for some reason the blog always gets put off and I am sorry. Our house has been getting used to new schedule and alot of one parent time with Noah due to work schedules.
Noah has grown alot in the past few weeks. He is eating everything and everything you give him and yells when you don't give it to him fast enough. From our 4 month check up to our 6 month check up he gained 4 lbs. which was a little bit of a shock but also a happy site since he wasn't really gaining a ton of weight with the spitting up so much and everything. That has seemed to slow down a great deal now which makes mommy and daddy happy. He is sitting up on his own, when he chooses to that is. He gets up like he is going to crawl but just rocks and rocks and then gives up. So I do think he will be crawling very soon. He is "talking" away when you let him and loves to laugh at the dogs. The dogs look at him like he is nuts which just makes him laugh more and harder.
He has become quick a pappy's boy over the past few months, especially since my mom started to watch him for us. I think all 3 of them are going to be lost come October when Noah starts going to daycare and not Grammy and pappy's house.
Each day my heart grows with the love I have for him. I didn't think it was possible to love him more than the day he was born and I am proved wrong each day. Being a mom is everything and more than I ever thought possible. I told my mom a few weeks ago I wasn't really living before Noah came into my life and the only thing I EVER wanted was to be a mother. That has happened now and when the time goes I can die a happy woman.
Enjoy the new photos of Noah.
Love Melinda
[slideshow]
Noah has grown alot in the past few weeks. He is eating everything and everything you give him and yells when you don't give it to him fast enough. From our 4 month check up to our 6 month check up he gained 4 lbs. which was a little bit of a shock but also a happy site since he wasn't really gaining a ton of weight with the spitting up so much and everything. That has seemed to slow down a great deal now which makes mommy and daddy happy. He is sitting up on his own, when he chooses to that is. He gets up like he is going to crawl but just rocks and rocks and then gives up. So I do think he will be crawling very soon. He is "talking" away when you let him and loves to laugh at the dogs. The dogs look at him like he is nuts which just makes him laugh more and harder.
He has become quick a pappy's boy over the past few months, especially since my mom started to watch him for us. I think all 3 of them are going to be lost come October when Noah starts going to daycare and not Grammy and pappy's house.
Each day my heart grows with the love I have for him. I didn't think it was possible to love him more than the day he was born and I am proved wrong each day. Being a mom is everything and more than I ever thought possible. I told my mom a few weeks ago I wasn't really living before Noah came into my life and the only thing I EVER wanted was to be a mother. That has happened now and when the time goes I can die a happy woman.
Enjoy the new photos of Noah.
Love Melinda
[slideshow]
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Eye opening
The past few weeks have been a big eye opener for me. I have been spending time reading other blogs the people adopting have written and even blogs the birth mother's have written. And all I can say is people can be mean! First I must say we never torn Noah from his birth mother's arms. in fact she sot us out, and contacted us first. We spent several weeks talking and getting to know each other before we started to move forward with an agency. We spent 3 months forming a relationship before Noah was born, so at any time she was able to change her mind. At any time during the 3 days we were in the hospital she was able to say I don't want to do this. As hard as it was during those the days and as much as I didn't know what I would do and what would happen if she did change her mind I made sure she was comfortable with us being there and that she got time with Noah. I never wanted her to look back and feel she got pushed into something or didn't get time with Noah. I will live with regrets about some of the things that happened while we there but that is something between she and I. I don't agree understand some of the things she does now, but I can't control that. I will always defend her when it comes to people saying mean things about her. Because at the end of the day I don't know how she feels and where she is coming from. Where I have lived with the pain of not being able to have a child and the heartache that went along with that, I don't think that is the same heartache she has. I am also aware of the fact that on February 3, 2012 my heartache ended, and her's began. That I lived with that heartache for 10 years she will live with it forever.
On top of the blogs I have been lucky enough to read we were able to see a preview of an adoption show on Oxygen and it was nice to see the other side of things. In contrast to an adoption show that was on a few weeks ago, that I feel was a pretty unfair telling of most birth mom, this was more true to things. Most people think that "girls" that place for adoption are teenagers or on drugs or in jail. Yes I am sure that is true to some point the reality of it is most are 20's and older, and most are not addicted to drug. They are just at a place where they don't know how to raise a child or just are not equipment to have a child. It takes a pretty big person to say that and make a decision to say good-bye. Sometimes they get the pleasure of having a relationship with the child and the adoptive family. Some don't get to or want to.
I know this post is all over the place, and to be honest my thoughts and emotions are on the topic all the time. I guess my point is, I don't understand people who need to make negative comments on posts about a topic that they may not be 100% educated on. I am sure most people who are writing blogs would answer any questions someone may have or share their back story on the topic, and then if you still feel that a negative comment is due then that is fair.
I will NEVER be able to find the words to express how I feel about our son's birth mother. She made me a mom, my husband a dad, my brother and uncle and gave my parents a gift that they would never had have without her, to see their daughter happy and have pure love come from her. My family will forever be greatful to her for those things. So all I am asking is for people to be kind and understanding about adoption.
Thanks for listening I just needed to get that off my chest.
Melinda
On top of the blogs I have been lucky enough to read we were able to see a preview of an adoption show on Oxygen and it was nice to see the other side of things. In contrast to an adoption show that was on a few weeks ago, that I feel was a pretty unfair telling of most birth mom, this was more true to things. Most people think that "girls" that place for adoption are teenagers or on drugs or in jail. Yes I am sure that is true to some point the reality of it is most are 20's and older, and most are not addicted to drug. They are just at a place where they don't know how to raise a child or just are not equipment to have a child. It takes a pretty big person to say that and make a decision to say good-bye. Sometimes they get the pleasure of having a relationship with the child and the adoptive family. Some don't get to or want to.
I know this post is all over the place, and to be honest my thoughts and emotions are on the topic all the time. I guess my point is, I don't understand people who need to make negative comments on posts about a topic that they may not be 100% educated on. I am sure most people who are writing blogs would answer any questions someone may have or share their back story on the topic, and then if you still feel that a negative comment is due then that is fair.
I will NEVER be able to find the words to express how I feel about our son's birth mother. She made me a mom, my husband a dad, my brother and uncle and gave my parents a gift that they would never had have without her, to see their daughter happy and have pure love come from her. My family will forever be greatful to her for those things. So all I am asking is for people to be kind and understanding about adoption.
Thanks for listening I just needed to get that off my chest.
Melinda
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Time goes so fast
Wow is it really July! I just realized that it has been a month since I lasted posted, and I remember saying I was going to be better about it. I guess easier said than done.
The month of June was a busy one for us and I think that is how I lost track of time. Plus the heat has been crazy that is drains every ounce of energy a person has.
Noah was baptised on Father's Day and things went well. I do have to say that morning when we got to church and realized that it had been moved to the basement I was not happy but after a little pep talk from my mom I quickly realized it was not about where it took place but that it took place and that the people who have supported us and loved Noah were there. We had been planing a surprise 60th birthday party for my dad for months for that day to being with so we were able to use Noah as a cover for it. It worked perfect. We were able to spent the day with our family and celebrate.
He is getting so big and I swear grows over night sometimes. He also learns something new each day, which sort of makes me sad in some ways. The other night when I was feeding him before bed I was just sitting watching him and realized that I don't remember him being a small tiny baby and that makes me so sad because it wasn't that long ago. I remember sitting in the hospital in Las Vegas trying to memorize every detail of him not wanting to ever forget him. At that moment it was because I didn't know if I would be able to call him my son. But some how it has slipped away. I went and looked at our pictures from then trying to bring it back. The thing that makes me sad is when I look at the pictures it bring back the memory of the stress and worry of what was going on and what would happen. Yes things worked out, amazingly but still it is hard to remember the good from then.
We got the news we were waiting for the week after his baptism from Las Vegas, that the hearing had taken place and the unknown birth father's rights had been terminated. So the only thing left is the last two home visits, one is scheduled for this Thursday and then finalization. Noah has always been our son and there is no questions for anyone once you seen Noah with Joe and I that he loves us. But it will be nice to have it legalized, because in most situations we don't really have alot of rights at this point.
Other than that we are just loving our time with Noah and watching him grow. He learns something new each day, but I long for the days passed. We waited so very long for him and he is growing so fast.
Love
Melinda
The month of June was a busy one for us and I think that is how I lost track of time. Plus the heat has been crazy that is drains every ounce of energy a person has.
Noah was baptised on Father's Day and things went well. I do have to say that morning when we got to church and realized that it had been moved to the basement I was not happy but after a little pep talk from my mom I quickly realized it was not about where it took place but that it took place and that the people who have supported us and loved Noah were there. We had been planing a surprise 60th birthday party for my dad for months for that day to being with so we were able to use Noah as a cover for it. It worked perfect. We were able to spent the day with our family and celebrate.
He is getting so big and I swear grows over night sometimes. He also learns something new each day, which sort of makes me sad in some ways. The other night when I was feeding him before bed I was just sitting watching him and realized that I don't remember him being a small tiny baby and that makes me so sad because it wasn't that long ago. I remember sitting in the hospital in Las Vegas trying to memorize every detail of him not wanting to ever forget him. At that moment it was because I didn't know if I would be able to call him my son. But some how it has slipped away. I went and looked at our pictures from then trying to bring it back. The thing that makes me sad is when I look at the pictures it bring back the memory of the stress and worry of what was going on and what would happen. Yes things worked out, amazingly but still it is hard to remember the good from then.
We got the news we were waiting for the week after his baptism from Las Vegas, that the hearing had taken place and the unknown birth father's rights had been terminated. So the only thing left is the last two home visits, one is scheduled for this Thursday and then finalization. Noah has always been our son and there is no questions for anyone once you seen Noah with Joe and I that he loves us. But it will be nice to have it legalized, because in most situations we don't really have alot of rights at this point.
Other than that we are just loving our time with Noah and watching him grow. He learns something new each day, but I long for the days passed. We waited so very long for him and he is growing so fast.
Love
Melinda
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Still Here.....
I just realized the last update on Noah was when he was 8 weeks old, I am sorry I have not been such a good blogger and I am going to make a better effort to keep up. Noah is now 4 months old, where does the time go? He is getting so big, he was 25 inches long and weighted 13 lbs when he was at the doctor on May 31st. He has rolled over a few times in the past week or so. His hands and feet are the most amazing things to him and seem to appear magically each day, several times a day. I have created a monster by chewing on his toes so much that the minute he hears my voice he sticks his feet straight up in the air for me to chew them. Then today he found out his foot can reach his own mouth! He is more vocal and loves to "tell" stories. He has this deep giggle too when you get him started. He has a temper like no ones business. We were able to start "solids" this week and have been giving him carrots, he loves them. Next week we get to try bananas.
Noah is being baptized on Father's Day! It is very important to Joe and I and we are glad we are able to get this done. Our church and church family have been such a big part of our lives and our journey and we want to share this day with them. For me to have this day come is extra special in the fact I never thought that I would have MY child baptized because I never thought I would have one. Plus the fact that I was baptized, had my confirmation and got married in this church; so it is extra special for me.
We only have 2 visits left before our hearing for finalization of the adoption can be scheduled. According to our social worker Meaghan we should be finalized by October at the latest. We only have one more hurdle that we need to get over and we should have news on that any time now. Our social worker does not expect any problems with it and it is more a formality but it is still scary that something can still keep us from becoming a legal family. It's funny how each state's court system works. The are two other fellow blogger s that each have son's; one was born in October of last year and has no court date for finalization in site. The other's son was born two weeks after Noah and her adoption of her son was finalized weeks ago. All three of us finalized in different states and have each had to deal with our struggles. When I get frustrated that we are not finalized like our one blogger friend, I realized how lucky we are to at least have a date in sight. I think she is handling things much better than I would be if I were her so you go girl! I am using you as my source of strength in this all!
It's funny as our visits come to an end and things are starting to wind down we keep getting asked from both agencies, will you do this again? Have you thought about going back on the "waiting" list? I would love to say without a doubt we would do it again, but I can't. It is a very expensive process and with Joe being out of work for almost a year, the chances of having the money to do it again are pretty slim. I will have to say he and I agree at this moment there are only 2 ways we would 100% without a doubt do it again. The first is if D would call us down the road, yes we would do it. The second is if our social worker in Las Vegas would call. Other than that we don't know. In no way do I want anyone to think we would not consider or that we do not want to. I would have 10 kids if I were able to do it. For right now we are going to just enjoy Noah and take things one step at a time. God know what the master plan is and if it is in his plan for us to have another child then it will happen. I would in no way change how things have turned out trust me, Noah is my life, but the process of adoption is such an intrusive and emotion thing, so I think I need a little recovery time as well, but that is a different story for a different day.
Here are a few pictures of our growing baby. I promise that I am going to carve more time out to keep on top of things and keep you all updated, since you have all been so supportive and amazing on the hard part of the road, you deserve news on the good part.
Love,
Melinda
[slideshow]
Noah is being baptized on Father's Day! It is very important to Joe and I and we are glad we are able to get this done. Our church and church family have been such a big part of our lives and our journey and we want to share this day with them. For me to have this day come is extra special in the fact I never thought that I would have MY child baptized because I never thought I would have one. Plus the fact that I was baptized, had my confirmation and got married in this church; so it is extra special for me.
We only have 2 visits left before our hearing for finalization of the adoption can be scheduled. According to our social worker Meaghan we should be finalized by October at the latest. We only have one more hurdle that we need to get over and we should have news on that any time now. Our social worker does not expect any problems with it and it is more a formality but it is still scary that something can still keep us from becoming a legal family. It's funny how each state's court system works. The are two other fellow blogger s that each have son's; one was born in October of last year and has no court date for finalization in site. The other's son was born two weeks after Noah and her adoption of her son was finalized weeks ago. All three of us finalized in different states and have each had to deal with our struggles. When I get frustrated that we are not finalized like our one blogger friend, I realized how lucky we are to at least have a date in sight. I think she is handling things much better than I would be if I were her so you go girl! I am using you as my source of strength in this all!
It's funny as our visits come to an end and things are starting to wind down we keep getting asked from both agencies, will you do this again? Have you thought about going back on the "waiting" list? I would love to say without a doubt we would do it again, but I can't. It is a very expensive process and with Joe being out of work for almost a year, the chances of having the money to do it again are pretty slim. I will have to say he and I agree at this moment there are only 2 ways we would 100% without a doubt do it again. The first is if D would call us down the road, yes we would do it. The second is if our social worker in Las Vegas would call. Other than that we don't know. In no way do I want anyone to think we would not consider or that we do not want to. I would have 10 kids if I were able to do it. For right now we are going to just enjoy Noah and take things one step at a time. God know what the master plan is and if it is in his plan for us to have another child then it will happen. I would in no way change how things have turned out trust me, Noah is my life, but the process of adoption is such an intrusive and emotion thing, so I think I need a little recovery time as well, but that is a different story for a different day.
Here are a few pictures of our growing baby. I promise that I am going to carve more time out to keep on top of things and keep you all updated, since you have all been so supportive and amazing on the hard part of the road, you deserve news on the good part.
Love,
Melinda
[slideshow]
Monday, May 21, 2012
First Mother's Day
Sorry I am a little late in posting this. Better late than never right!
I have never had that oh God its Mother’s Day I want to crawl in a hole and die moments. Yes, I have always had this ache in my heart to be a mom and some days were worse than others. Mother’s Day was never one of the bad ones, and I think it was because I have the most amazing mom in the entire world and I focused on it being about her and didn’t have the time to worry or be sad.
As Mother’s Day came around this year, of course I was excited. I was talking to Noah one evening and asked him if he got mommy something special for Mother’s Day. My husband overheard me talking to him and said I need to buy you something? This turned into an argument over the topic. The pas couple of years we really haven’t done anything for each other for Birthday’s, our anniversary or Christmas, as we were trying to save money for the adoption. Then Joe lost in job last July which made it worse, and he is till not back to work. I tried to explain to him it’s not about spending money. I downloaded my memory card last week and have over 500 pictures in 3 months time, pick a few and make a collage of pictures, make prints of Noah’s hand or feet so I can frame them, we didn’t get that stuff from the hospital his birthmother has it all. I have to be honest my husband “doesn’t always get it”.
Then our agency that did our placement contacted me about a program that they were having for Birth Mother’s Day, which is the day before Mother’s Day. They understood we could not come back toLas Vegasfor it but it we wanted to participate in anyway we could. I wrote a letter for them to read about D and also a sent card for them to give to the other birth mother’s who were in attendance.
So I was having some mixed emotions going into the weekend. Here was my first Mother’s Day and I was having to guilt my husband into caring about it and was thinking about D. Saturday when we got up and moving, our entire family was camping, I had checked my email on my phone and also jumped onto facebook as well. I saw a post about Birth’s Mother’s Day and the program inLas Vegasand I got very emotional. I cried several times during the day Saturday. Mostly when I would look at Noah or we would talk about it. I need to make clear I was emotional not just because of D but for all the birth mother’s. I have met a lot of couples during this process and follow a lot on blogs. I know of 5 of us that have been places within the past year, 3 of us with our very first child. All of our birth mother’s choosing to place for many different reason, but still making the very painful decision to do it and celebrating mother’s day without the child they carried and loved for 9 months. And giving us all the gift and chance to celebrate our first Mother’s day, which is amazing.
Needless to say I got it out of my system and woke up Sunday morning feeling pretty good. I was able to wake up with MY baby on the floor in his cradle beside me sleeping and enjoy it for a few moments. Joe came around and he and Noah got me a beautiful cross with a heart of diamonds around the cross. My mother she “got it” so I am hoping it will rub off. I have always wanted a lilac bush, but not any lilac bush a start off the bush in my parents’ yard that was my grand mothers. So pappy helped Noah dig it up the other day and gave that to me.
I have never had that oh God its Mother’s Day I want to crawl in a hole and die moments. Yes, I have always had this ache in my heart to be a mom and some days were worse than others. Mother’s Day was never one of the bad ones, and I think it was because I have the most amazing mom in the entire world and I focused on it being about her and didn’t have the time to worry or be sad.
As Mother’s Day came around this year, of course I was excited. I was talking to Noah one evening and asked him if he got mommy something special for Mother’s Day. My husband overheard me talking to him and said I need to buy you something? This turned into an argument over the topic. The pas couple of years we really haven’t done anything for each other for Birthday’s, our anniversary or Christmas, as we were trying to save money for the adoption. Then Joe lost in job last July which made it worse, and he is till not back to work. I tried to explain to him it’s not about spending money. I downloaded my memory card last week and have over 500 pictures in 3 months time, pick a few and make a collage of pictures, make prints of Noah’s hand or feet so I can frame them, we didn’t get that stuff from the hospital his birthmother has it all. I have to be honest my husband “doesn’t always get it”.
Then our agency that did our placement contacted me about a program that they were having for Birth Mother’s Day, which is the day before Mother’s Day. They understood we could not come back toLas Vegasfor it but it we wanted to participate in anyway we could. I wrote a letter for them to read about D and also a sent card for them to give to the other birth mother’s who were in attendance.
So I was having some mixed emotions going into the weekend. Here was my first Mother’s Day and I was having to guilt my husband into caring about it and was thinking about D. Saturday when we got up and moving, our entire family was camping, I had checked my email on my phone and also jumped onto facebook as well. I saw a post about Birth’s Mother’s Day and the program inLas Vegasand I got very emotional. I cried several times during the day Saturday. Mostly when I would look at Noah or we would talk about it. I need to make clear I was emotional not just because of D but for all the birth mother’s. I have met a lot of couples during this process and follow a lot on blogs. I know of 5 of us that have been places within the past year, 3 of us with our very first child. All of our birth mother’s choosing to place for many different reason, but still making the very painful decision to do it and celebrating mother’s day without the child they carried and loved for 9 months. And giving us all the gift and chance to celebrate our first Mother’s day, which is amazing.
Needless to say I got it out of my system and woke up Sunday morning feeling pretty good. I was able to wake up with MY baby on the floor in his cradle beside me sleeping and enjoy it for a few moments. Joe came around and he and Noah got me a beautiful cross with a heart of diamonds around the cross. My mother she “got it” so I am hoping it will rub off. I have always wanted a lilac bush, but not any lilac bush a start off the bush in my parents’ yard that was my grand mothers. So pappy helped Noah dig it up the other day and gave that to me.
Birth Mother's Day - 5-12-2012
Thinking of the amzing Birth mom who allowed me to become a mom~
You weren't there when I took my first step
You weren't there when I said my first word
You weren't there for my first day of school
You weren't there to tell I met my best friend
You weren't there to cry to when other kids made fun of me
You weren't there when I lost a friend
You weren't there when I started high school
Or when I graduated
You weren't there when I left for college
And when I moved back home it wasn't to your house
You weren't there when I left home again
You weren't there because you love me
You loved me so much you let someone else be there
You let someone else do the things
You didn't think you could do
Because you loved me too much
You weren't there when I took my first step
You weren't there when I said my first word
You weren't there for my first day of school
You weren't there to tell I met my best friend
You weren't there to cry to when other kids made fun of me
You weren't there when I lost a friend
You weren't there when I started high school
Or when I graduated
You weren't there when I left for college
And when I moved back home it wasn't to your house
You weren't there when I left home again
You weren't there because you love me
You loved me so much you let someone else be there
You let someone else do the things
You didn't think you could do
Because you loved me too much
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