Wednesday, February 20, 2013

You asked what...

Over the past two years of our adoption process and the past year of having our son we have had people ask so many questions.  Some were people trying to become educated on the topic and some I think were people being just plain rude.  I usually try to answer the questions as best as I can without being rude or nasty because I tell myself it is because they just don't know.  And other times I just want to look at them and say you just asked what...
For starters, why didn't you just do foster careAnd give a child who really needs a home one. To be honest that was the first step we took.  And second if our son's mother, or any mother was looking at adoption they needed a home as well.  People don't just place children because they feel like it.  We spent 8 weeks attending training classes, and group meetings, and filling out papers.  We prayed about it we thought about it, we talked to people.  We wanted to give a child a home, one that they could count on and know they were safe in.  The more we talked to the social workers during the classes and via phone the more THEY talked us out of it.  They repeatedly told us adoption in foster care is not possible.  The goal is to reunite the child with their family.  We would just be a stop on the train ride so to speak.  Not something you want to hear when you just want to love a child forever right.  Plus the flexibility of my schedule just wasn't there, to be able to take off work for court hearings, visits and counseling sessions.  I love my job, I love my bosses, but they are running a business and I respect that.  Along with the fact that I know in my heart I could not have a child in my home love them, know the history and then see them go back to a situation that was harmful to them.  I didn't want to lose my faith in the system that I had been taught was in place to protect a child and my trust in faith in people and God as well.  So this option was not for us.
Another question we get, why didn't you go overseas it is so much easier and cheaper.  First to me ANY avenue you take for adoption is not easier.  In all adoptions there is paper work, and waiting and heartache.  The waiting and heartache being the two biggest things.  I can't say for a fact since we didn't do international adoption and I am not educated in the process but from the research we did, it is not cheaper.  You still have to pay agency fees, and alot of the countries require several trips before placement.  Some of those trips can be for weeks or even a month or more at a time.  To me that would be just as expensive, if not more.  If you adopt from your home state you could have no travel expense involved to very minimal.  We had 9 days cost of hotels, rental car and 3 round trip airfares in ours and I know what that cost.  And revert back to my previous answer with my schedule.  Plus you take the chance of them closing the border so to speak after you have been matched with a child and bonded with them.  So in no neither cheaper or easier.  I do want to make myself clear on this topic, I am in NO way saying this is not a good option.  I have a friend from high school who has the two most amazing children from international adoption.  They are the center of her world and I love seeing that.  If I were in a much different position it would be something we would think about but it wasn't for us.
Then we get the well how much was it really.  I just want to say where in your mind do you think that is an appropriate question?  I understand we have had fundraisers to help with the cost and by participating in them you feel you can ask that.  Or even if you didn't you feel you can ask that.  Well if I was having fundraisers it's obvious it is expensive.  And I appreciate the help from the bottom of my heart, but please don't put me on the spot.  I think that ranks right up there with wow you must make good money since you can do.  Or well how much do you make.  I feel telling you is like putting a price tag on my son and that is just out of line and not something I am willing to do, thank you very much.
Or how about don't you want a real child?  What about my son doesn't look or seem real to you.  And what does that mean anyway. 
We have been told he is so lucky that you opened your home to him.  Thanks but I don't see it that way, we are lucky to have him in our life to be able to love him and care for him.  See his birth mother gave us an amazing gift and I will never say look at me look at this great thing I did because I didn't, she did.  I think all families involved in adoption are lucky a child can never have to many people who love them. 
I could go on with some of the stuff that has been asked and comment, maybe that will be a future post as well.
We get just as many questions that are from people who are looking into adoption and really just are gathering information and I could talk to them for hours. 
So I have to ask what are some of the best and worse comments or things that have been said to you as an adoptive parent?


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