Friday, January 11, 2013

I'm a Christian

Have you every done something and after you do it you think man that was the wrong way to handle that. I can sit here and say I make mistakes.  I can say I sometimes make things that are not about me about me and not realize it.  I can also say I sometimes need a swift kick in the butt from my  mom to see that!  I am also a Christian and sometimes that swift kick is also from God!
I realized not hearing from "D" on a regular basic is not about ME.  As my mother put it I need to put myself in the position of placing Noah for adoption now, having loved him and nurtured him for the past 11 months.  Then having contact with that family and hearing how great he is doing and how happy they are.  Not every really getting to see him, hold him, kiss him; just getting pictures and letters.  Only getting to see him crawl for the first time, walk for the first time even talk for the first time on a video on my computer. You know be a part of his life but yet not really!  Not knowing where you fit into his life and his families life.  No matter how right I feel the decision is/was wouldn't make it any easier.  I need to remember she is a human and we hurt especially when we make really hard decisions right or wrong they hurt sometimes.
We finally talked to "D" on the phone last night after several text message before hand.  We spoke for a hour and a half.  We talked about alot of things.  Where she is at mentally with things with the adoption and many other things.  Until last evening I didn't realize how little she thought of her ability to do things.  I also thought she resented Joe and I and that is why she didn't stay in touch.  Where in fact she said it is hard because she is envious of us.  That we get to hold him each day, and love him.  And she has tried everything, she has tried to just erase us all from her mind by not thinking about us, ignoring our text messages, removing the pictures I send her everything and it didn't work.  So she tries to be in touch and texting and calling and having pictures of us all out and that is hard to.  So right now we all just need to work on finding a happy medium and figuring out what works for us all.  And the biggest thing we need to remember is it is going to be ever changing.  And we can't take it personal when it does, but the biggest thing is we need to talk and tell the other how we are feeling and listen to them.  I know I have said it a million times that people don't get why I care and want to work on things with her, but look at my son!  That alone should be enough to understand but if it's not I made a commitment to her, to myself and my son. 
That leads me to my next point.  The problems not being able to listen and give people your time to listen to where they are coming from with things.  There is always two sides to a story and a situation.  As I said before I make mistakes, I am wrong, I don't think I am this big amazing person for being able to say that I make mistakes but I do think it makes me a good person to be able to do that.  I don't make up lies about things to make me look better.  I always try to listen when someone is telling me how they feel, or their side of the story.  I don't just say I don't want involved even though I already am.  I try not to turn a blind eye when I realize that maybe things are a little worse than I thought and that I many have hurt someone close to me, not continue to ignore it and then play the victim when it does come to a head.  Part of being a Christian is being able to see your own faults too, and not just other people's, and say I will pray for them. Sometimes you need to pray for clarity for yourself too.  I have done that many times in my life and there are times that I realized that I was wrong and fixed things and there were times that I realized that what I had done to that point was what was best for me and not looked back. 
I am a lot of things but most of all I am a daughter, wife, friend, mother and I am a Christian!  I am proud of all those things, and I am every changing in all of those matters.


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