We have had alot going on the past few weeks that only a few people have known about. A few weeks ago we found out that our profile was being looked at and we were being considered by a birth mom. We were excited, overwhelmed, scared, everything in one. We didn't tell alot of people because if it didn't work out we didn't have alot of people to untell. We waited by phone and email for information, any information. One week went by and we didn't hear anything, that rolled into the holiday with no word. We were hoping to find something out last week and we did, about another possible match. The baby was 2 weeks old at that point and the mom was looking for a family. We were excited but had some concerns but were willing to think about it. Less than 24 hours later we found out that the birth mom had decided to parent. We pray for her and her son and wish her the best. The very same day we heard that we also heard at this point the birth mom from the other situations has not contacted the agency in over a week. I am so confused and don't know what to think. I wonder is she ok, did something happen to her. Is her baby ok. We were also told that the mother had placed before and was hoping that family would adopt the child, for reason we don't know they were not able, so I wonder did she find them and work something out with them and not tell anyone? I broke the number 1 rule I set when we started this, don't get attached when we are being considered. I did not know how hard that would be to not. The minute you get information you start to wonder what the baby will look like. What kind of relationship you will have with the birth family, what the babies future will be like. I know at this point that she can and may still contact the agency and things could still work out and they couldn't.
It's funny how people who are in the same place we are view things. I was so sure we would get picked by the first family, it would go well. No problems, we would bring home a perfect baby. Then we have friends who have told us the fully expect to have this happen to them, they are prepared for it. I guess I should have been to. It's funny when I hear people say my arms ache to hold our child. My arms don't ache, my heart does, to just love them, my eyes ache for the sight of them, my ears ache to hear the words mom and dad, my skin aches for their touch. I know that it will all happen in God time and when the right family comes along everything will fall into place. Until then, I am going to have good days and I am going to have bad days. Some days I don't think about it and other days, like today, I can't stop thinking about it and hoping for it and praying for it. I have cried so many tears on days like this one. Out of frustrations, hurt and anger. Out of not knowing what will happen.
I hope that things turn out amazing with this mom and in a few weeks I get to tell you I am a mom and if not it will happen. In the mean time I am going to focus on living life and praying and planning our fundraiser because who knows maybe our birth mom is in Ohio, Florida or New York and the extra money will help us find her.
Thank you for all your love and prayers while we wait for Baby Oklamchak to find us.