Wednesday, November 28, 2012

My wish

I feel like I haven’t been on here for so long, though I guess two weeks is a long time.  We have had a long rough month.  Our month started out with Noah getting croup, and then Joe and I both got really bad chest colds.  The over the weekend after Thanksgiving we ended up back at the doctor with Noah who now has a double ear infection.  So it has been a long couple of weeks and to say we will be glad to see November come to an end is an understatement to say the least.  This makes me sad because November was so full of memories of happiness and excitement from last year, not that this year wasn’t but it was sort of taken over with sickness.

I have been thinking about “D” a lot lately, with the holidays and stuff.  It was this time last year we matched with her and spent the holiday season forming a relationship.  I now have an amazing son, a great family and a full heart.  Even on the hard days it is 100 times better than my best day with out him.  He lights up my entire world and life!  Not a day goes by that I don’t look at him and think of “D” and the amazing gift she has given us.  I know it is still hard for her because I can hear it in her voice when I talk to her.  I often think if things are going the way in her life she thought they would be by making the choice she did.  I have to be honest there are times I don’t think they are.  And it is at those times I can’t help but wonder if she regrets her decision.  I don’t think even if she did she would ever tell us that.  She is always quick to tell us hope great we are doing and she can tell Noah is loved and happy and well taken care of.  That she couldn’t have asked for better parents for him.  That makes me feel good; I don’t ever want her to have doubts because of the type of parent she thinks we are.  What makes me sad is I think that she doesn’t see her own worth and feel she is worth having good things and happiness.  I sometimes wonder do people who do that make a conscious decision to be that way or is it habit.  Do you tell yourself that you don’t deserve to be happy there for when it doesn’t happen you’re not let down?

I love “D” beyond anything I really do.  She included me in the amazing birth of our son, and yes I said our.  He is still her son no matter what, but I am his mom and that won’t change.  She gave me something I would have never had without her.  She is his history and I can’t ever change that nor would I want to.  But my wish for her is to find what she thinks she is looking for.  She realized that she is worth fighting for a little bit too.  I want to see her to great things and for Noah to be proud of her down the road.  I know I am sort of rambling and I am sorry, I just want to see good for her and the past few times we have talked I hear in her voice that they might not be and I worry with the holidays coming and then Noah’s birthday it is going to be even harder on her.  So please keep not only “D” but all birth mother’s, birth fathers, and birth grandparents, and not only for the holidays but everyday.  Because with each passing thing that our children do each day that is great is one more thing they are missing out on.  I guess the great thing about open adoption is that they get to know about it, see pictures of it and video of it. Where as many years ago they couldn't.  


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