So to say the past few weeks have been hard would be an under statement. We had made contact with a birth mom and were emailing for 6 weeks or so and were really confident that we were going to get matched with her, only for it to fall through. I spent a lot of time questioning some things and wondering about stuff. At this point it doesn’t matter what the truth is or isn’t, it is what it is. I will just be more aware the next time. I want to first say I wish “E” all the best with her baby and the family she picked. She is due any day now so please say a prayer for them all. The same week that happened, so many other things happened, things I guess I wasn’t ready to happen all at one time, and didn’t handle them all so well.
There have been many dark days for me in the past few weeks. It sort of comes in waves for me. I do really well for a while and handle it ok. I have learned that as long as I am busy with other things and don’t think about it too much it is better. So that leads into me having to find things to keep me busy. Maybe now is a good time to go through all those boxes and things that sort of get forgotten and I mean forgotten as I haven’t needed anything from them since we moved 3 years ago, so I am sure they are just taking up space boxes. Getting things ready for when “the” call comes because when it does I think I might be too busy to be worrying about getting things in the nursery ready. Because of right now most things are in bags with tags still on them.
I have also realized, after much talking to me by my mother and husband, I think with my heart. I jump at my first reaction. Sometimes a good thing sometimes it’s not. Over the past few weeks I don’t think it has so much been a good thing. I have realized I may have some psycho tendencies. Laugh if you want, but we all have them and admitting it is half the battle right? So I am half way there right? This is not an easy process by any means, and I think each person’s journey is different. If you talk to a family that was matched pretty much right away, yes they had their stresses and struggles, but they are different than a family that may have been waiting for 2 years to be matched. Or a family that was matched and then the mom decided she wanted to parent her child. Everyone’s journey is different everyone’s feeling are different. That being said, that doesn’t make any of them wrong. It also doesn’t mean your journey is over once you get matched there are so many other things involved.
I have taken a step back to really look at things and also look at myself. I am really trying to become the person I want to be and when things are right in my life things will be right in so many other areas. I have learned a lot about myself and still have a lot to learn.