Sunday, March 17, 2013

In the end we feel the same

I haven't wrote a post for a couple weeks now as you can see.  Some of it has been just not having the time.  Noah's daily schedule has changes and he is no longer napping in the evening which is when I did alot of my blogging.  And some of it is just not being in a real great place with the adoption world right now.  As  I said in my last post I am just so in shock with the scams that go on.  I know it is not anything new and is nothing that will go away but I am in such disbelief over it.   There have been other things that I am just not sure on how I feel about; and I have found for me to just not talk until I process is the best until I figure out how I feel.  But at the end of the day there are good people in the adoption community and that out weights the bad.
Yesterday I had the pleasure of meeting a hopeful adoptive mom that I met on-line.  We had a great visit and spent hours talking.  We talked about everything and anything you can think of.  The agencies we used, the agencies they are using.  Or jobs, our families, things we found useful to have for Noah, things we found were really a waste.  I love taking to other adoptive families, I know I have said that a million times in the past, but it is so true.  My friends and family have been so supportive, they love us and Noah so much.  They have been there through so much; but they don't get alot of the feelings I have had and still have.
It is funny one of the things she and I talked about was the sting of finding out a friend or family member was pregnant.  How baby showers are the worse.  When my brother and his wife found out they were pregnant with my niece they were worried how I would take things.  I was SO excited about it and her; she became my entire world, and still is one of the most important people in my life.  I was so happy to become the cool aunt.  When they told us they were pregnant the 2nd time it was devastating.  I was so depressed over it.  I was at a much different place at that time.  I was married now and it was like the air had been knocked out of me and I realized that I would never have this in my life.  It was right after that we started looking to look into our options to have a family.  Now looking at him it makes me sad I felt that way.  But I know it is ok to have those feelings.  It didn't make me love him any less or make him any more important.  If anything if it wasn't for him, I don't know if I would have ever had the courage the think I could or want a family.
Then last night I was reading about another hopeful adoptive parent ask if those feelings ever go away, and for me I can say no, or at least they haven't yet.  Yes it is a little less of a sting, but it is still there.  Maybe as times goes on it will stop but for now it does.  I will say I would never trade things because that would mean trading Noah and I would never do that, I love my son more than anything in this world.  But that doesn't mean that I can't be sad for things that were not meant to be for me.  Being able to feel him move in my tummy and kick and all those things that go along with it.  I was blessed to have his birth mother include us in alot of things and I can never thank her enough for that, for letting us be a part of it as much as we could.
I have become friends with several adoptive mothers and mothers in the process of adoption.  I read alot of blogs as well and now how different our beginning, middle and end is the feeling along the way are the same in so many ways. 


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