Aching

Wednesday nights have become mommy and Noah night, because Joe works late that night.  I really love the 1 on 1 time with him.  Yes as a almost 2 year old (did I really just type that)  he can push you to the limit, but I do enjoy the time.  We get to have dinner just the two of us, and play time, bath time and snuggle time before bed.
He has grown so much the past few months and is really becoming his own little person.  Not a day goes by that I don't sit and laugh at something new he does or has to say.  Yes at most times it is not legible words but you can tell by the tone and stance when he does it he is pissed about something and telling you off.  And when he wants something he wants it and doesn't care how you feel about it.  For instance he was doings something the other night and I told him "NO".  He stopped doing it went and got his backpack out of his toy box and brought it to me to put on him, which he does that often.  He then walks out of the room and turns to me and waves and said "bye" (his version of bye sounds like die, he does it like he is singing it to you).  I guess if I wasn't going to let him stand on the couch he was going to run away.  I mean he is 2 how does he know that.  There are other times he brings you a book and will sit and tell you a story as he turns the pages like he is reading it to you.  He is a lover of books just like his mommy.  But he is just as much boy with his love of cars and trucks.  He brings so much laughter and happiness into our life I can't imagine him not in it.
Even with all the great joys in my life there are still days my heart aches for the things that never will be.  To some people that may sound so selfish as if I don't have enough or if Noah isn't enough.  I love Noah with every ounce of my being and would die for him; I don't ever want that to be questioned.  My entire life all I have ever wanted to be was a mother and yes I am one, but I wanted more than 1 child.  I can't just say to my husband lets have a baby and have a baby the old fashion way.  I have to say lets have a baby fill out tons of paper work, pay ton's of money and wait for years to get matched with a birth mother.  I mean  everyone knows adoption is expensive but know one talks about the fees and the loan payments some have and other things.  We have been paying on the loan to pay the fees for Noah's adoption for 3 years, and have at least 2 more left.  I for the life of me don't understand why it is so expensive but it is and if it is what you choose to do then you accept it.  You don't have to like it but you accept it.
That doesn't mean that there aren't times I ache to know what it is like to have my child move in my tummy and all the good and bad that goes along with it.  It doesn't mean that I don't ache to be able to bring another child into my family, no matter how they come there.  Most days I am ok with things, I really am happy in my life, and am blessed beyond words.  But the longing to make Noah a big brother is so strong lately.  I worry about him down the road being an only child, not having anyone when something happens to Joe and I.  These are the times it is a sad reminder that my body has failed me in so many ways and at this current time is again.  I wouldn't change a thing about how my life is and the things I have experienced to get me to where I stand today.  I think God know that Noah's birth mother, Noah, Joe and I would all need each other at just the right time in life.  I think it was all part of the bigger plan, and I know that God has great things planed for my life and my entire families life, but for right now I have a bit of an aching heart for the things that won't be.


Love,
Melinda