7 months

that is how long we have been on the “waiting” list to be matched and have placement.  To some that is not long at all, I mean a woman who gets pregnant on her own has to wait 9 months.  But she at least she knows, or has a pretty good idea, when the baby will come.  Not even close to the case for someone adopting.  For me I have known…well forever that I would never have a child of my own.  When you are twelve you know what that means but not exactly what would happen to you, mental and emotionally down the road.  So it feels like I have been waiting a lifetime for this.  Then I start to feel bad for feeling like I have waited to long, because some people would give anything to have the chance we have to adopt a child.  I think of some women having to spend a lifetime with that empty ache in the pit of her stomach and the ache in her heart.  And anyone who is going through this knows what I mean.  I had always told myself I am ok being the cool Aunt.  I can go where I want to, do what I want to when I want to.  My niece Aspyn was born, she was the light of my world, and I was right, this Aunt thing is great.  Then I got married and my nephew came along.  That was the moment; the moment reality hit me over the head with about 100 tons of bricks.  I spent a month crying and being mad, and not understanding.  Then I went into attack mode, what can I do for a baby!  IVF, no, foster care, no, adoption, maybe!!  That was the decision, adoption it would be.  So here we are, 7 months into the waiting.  I look at him now and think how, how could I be sad the 2nd most amazing person in my life was coming.  And trust me he is amazing.  It took me a long time to realize that I wasn't sad he was coming, I was sad that I thought I would never know that joy.

It’s hard to explain it and understand it, the waiting that is, or the feeling you have of sadness.  When your 3 year old niece asked, “Will the baby be here for my birthday?” I want to say “I thought he/she would be here for my birthday,” which was a month before.  Or when she gives you a hug and tells you, “Maybe the baby will be here next we come camping Aunt Mindy.”  The one that got me the most is when she said to my mom “I hope Aunt Mindy get’s a baby soon because she is sad sometimes.”  I want to say yes I am sad, so sad that some days all I want to do is cry, that the walls feel like they are closing in around me.  Then there are other days that I don’t think about it, I find joy in the little things.   Like her smile, the way she tells me she loves me more when I tell her I love you.  The way Mikey's eyes light up when he sees my dad.  And then I realize those moments, those are the moments I am doing all this for.  And as I am writing this I realize that those really aren't the small things but the best things, the most amazing things.

So when I say that each passing day of the 7 months feels like a year, now you know why.  Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait for my pot of gold, but unfortunately it hasn’t been all rainbows to get to it.

Melinda