Exactly how I felt

Birthday weekend

We made it through little guys birthday and party weekend!  It was busy and full of fun stuff but we survived.  Thursday was Noah's birthday and it was a great day.  We went to dinner with my parents, well just Noah and I did, Joe had to work, and then home to hang out.  I had made plans with D to talk that night but things happen and sometimes like for everyone things do go as planned and I was worried we wouldn't get to talk, but we did!  We had a great conservation and she is doing well.  We talked about the day Noah was born and how much he has grown over the past year and how fast it went.  It is like talking to family when we talk, I enjoy our conservations so much.
Saturday was Noah's party, he has such a great time.  Some of our friends and family didn't get to come because we were hit with a snow storm that day, and we missed them alot it was better they didn't try to come since they all had very long drives.  There was over 50 people there, all of who love Noah so much and have been there every step of the way with the adoption process and his life the past year.  He did great with his smash cake, and I mean to the point he had to get a bath in the sink of the kitchen at the hall.  But they are only 1 once and that was ok.  He got tons of great presents and is loving playing with them all. 
Sunday was just a kick back and relax day!  It marked the 1 year mark of Noah being placed with us.  It was a day I spent with mixed feelings.  I knew from talking to her that it was going to be a hard day for D and she entered our thoughts alot that day.  I wished so much I could be there to just give her a hug and spend even a hour with her.  So she had sometime with Noah.  I know that she doesn't regret her decision but I also know that it is hard.
Yesterday he has is 1 year check up!  He is grow right on track, weighing in at 21 lbs 6 oz and is 31 inches long.  The doctor said he are going to have a tall one on our hands.  He is finally getting his top teeth,  he has had the same 2 bottom teeth since September.  One has broke the skin already and the other is right behind it.  He also said the two beside those are going to be coming soon!  I really hope so that way we can move on to real food for the kid.  His two favorite things are peanut butter Cheerios and fruit chillers.  You can't have either without having to share!  He also loves trucks and my pizza tray.  At some point in the evening every night he gets it out. 
So all in all Noah's first birthday went off without to many problems and many tears for mommy!

Love
Melinda

Happy 1st Birthday

Oh my amazing brown eyed little wonder, you are 1 today!  I still remember plain as day the moment you were born.  I play it over in my head all the time so I never forget.  I was lucky enough to be there to witness it; you took my breath away then and you still do now.  You had a full head of thick black hair, your daddy called you chia baby you had so much.  At your first cry I remember standing there thinking you were the most perfect person and that my life was never going to be the same again, good or bad.  In the first 30 seconds of you life you changed so many people and were loved by so many as well.  I have never experienced such love a first sight.  Yes I loved your cousins the second I saw them but this was different.  This was right, it was meant to be, it was perfect!  So many dreams, hopes and prayers were answered the moment you were born, was it to much to ask of such a small little person!  Were we putting to much on you, would we be the parents you needed?  Noah I am proud to say you have done all that and more and with such joy and happiness.  You have become a very independent little boy, with a major temper who has tried my patients at times over the past year, but I still love you anyway!  I try to tell myself that all this will help you down the road that you will not stop once you set your mind to something. 
You have grown so much from the 8 lb. 6 oz and 19 inches you were at birth.  In the past year you have gained over 11 lbs and grew over 11 inches.  You have gotten two teeth, learned to crawl and many other things.  You have had your first hair cut, you terrorize the dog and eat anything you can!  Your eyes and smile still light up a room and can get you out of almost anything.  They melt your mommy's heart!
I want to remember every moment that I can!  The way you used to hum in your sleep and now how you do it to keep yourself awake.  Or how you fit perfect in the crease of my neck when you fall asleep, like we are two perfect pieces of a puzzle make to be together.  Or find a tag on anything you can to suck on when you are ready to fall asleep. 
I have spent so much time wondering what you will become in life.  My perfect little man never give up, you can do anything you put your mind to and don't ever think anything else.  Will you take over the world like you  have mine?  Will you make small changes in the world, or big changes.  I hope that you grow to be a good many like your daddy and pappy.  I hope you learn to live and love without fear like your mommy.  Be everything and anything you want to be and can my little man! 
Mommy and daddy love you so very much and so do so many other people.

Happy Birthday Noah!

Different

It is so beyond believable that it will be 1 year tomorrow that Joe, my mother and I were boarding a plane headed to Las Vegas and the unknown.  As we visited a few of our family members who knew before we left it was very surreal.  On the Friday before we left we had dinner with my cousin and her husband to be able to say good-bye and calm my nerves.  Our last night at home I sat in the nursery just rocking in the chair and thinking and wondering and praying.  I cried tears of happiness, sadness and just out of fear.  I had always been the type A personality who needed to be in control and have a plan know what was going on.  For one of the first times in my life I had no control and didn't know what was going to happen and how things were going to turn out.  However I did know that no matter what that then person leaving would not be the same person coming back.  I was either going to come back a person who believed in miracles, a person who trusted, a mother.  Or I was going to come back as...well I don't know but I knew it was never going to be the same.  I knew I would be crushed.  But we all know how it turned out!!!  I have the most amazing little person in my life who calls me mama!

Life is much different...in a great amazing way!  When I imagined being a mom it was with bows and frills and dresses.  Pinks and purples and castles and dolls.  Not trucks and dirt, and suits and ties.  But I am proud to say I can make the best dang motor sounds and cause a 10 car pile up with matchbox cars like no body business!  I have found I can dress Noah just as amazing as any little girl!  Don't get me wrong would I LOVE the chance to have a girl and have all that, totally!  But I wouldn't change 1 thing about my life with this little boy! I hold my entire heart in the palm of his tiny little hand.  I never really knew what a parent felt in their heart until a year ago!  

Yes I did come back a much different person in so many great and amazing ways!

Love
Melinda

Music...

I love music, I always have and always will.  It can bring about joy, sadness, bring back a good memory.  Remind you of your first dance at school, your first love and break-up.  If can remind you of your first dance as husband and wife.  It gets you through the sad times and the happy times. Below are a few songs that I wanted to share with my fellow bloggers waiting to adopt, who have adopted, or even anyone who likes music.

This song was one someone sent to me when we first started the process.  I would cry and cry when I would listen to it because it is like someone was in my head and wrote my thoughts down and made a song.  I still love listening to it.

This song was out once Noah was born.  I just remember thinking how true the lyrics were.  It was like I had loved him for eternity before he came and I will after he came.  It came me strength when we were waiting on paperwork to be signed and his adoption to be finalized.  I would sing it to him at bed time and I still do.

I saw this song on a fellow bloggers page last night and thought WOW!  This is am amazing song about faith and adoption.  I really can't find the words right now on how I feel about it but I needed to share it.

 

Enjoy

Love

Melinda

I'm a Christian

Have you every done something and after you do it you think man that was the wrong way to handle that. I can sit here and say I make mistakes.  I can say I sometimes make things that are not about me about me and not realize it.  I can also say I sometimes need a swift kick in the butt from my  mom to see that!  I am also a Christian and sometimes that swift kick is also from God!
I realized not hearing from "D" on a regular basic is not about ME.  As my mother put it I need to put myself in the position of placing Noah for adoption now, having loved him and nurtured him for the past 11 months.  Then having contact with that family and hearing how great he is doing and how happy they are.  Not every really getting to see him, hold him, kiss him; just getting pictures and letters.  Only getting to see him crawl for the first time, walk for the first time even talk for the first time on a video on my computer. You know be a part of his life but yet not really!  Not knowing where you fit into his life and his families life.  No matter how right I feel the decision is/was wouldn't make it any easier.  I need to remember she is a human and we hurt especially when we make really hard decisions right or wrong they hurt sometimes.
We finally talked to "D" on the phone last night after several text message before hand.  We spoke for a hour and a half.  We talked about alot of things.  Where she is at mentally with things with the adoption and many other things.  Until last evening I didn't realize how little she thought of her ability to do things.  I also thought she resented Joe and I and that is why she didn't stay in touch.  Where in fact she said it is hard because she is envious of us.  That we get to hold him each day, and love him.  And she has tried everything, she has tried to just erase us all from her mind by not thinking about us, ignoring our text messages, removing the pictures I send her everything and it didn't work.  So she tries to be in touch and texting and calling and having pictures of us all out and that is hard to.  So right now we all just need to work on finding a happy medium and figuring out what works for us all.  And the biggest thing we need to remember is it is going to be ever changing.  And we can't take it personal when it does, but the biggest thing is we need to talk and tell the other how we are feeling and listen to them.  I know I have said it a million times that people don't get why I care and want to work on things with her, but look at my son!  That alone should be enough to understand but if it's not I made a commitment to her, to myself and my son. 
That leads me to my next point.  The problems not being able to listen and give people your time to listen to where they are coming from with things.  There is always two sides to a story and a situation.  As I said before I make mistakes, I am wrong, I don't think I am this big amazing person for being able to say that I make mistakes but I do think it makes me a good person to be able to do that.  I don't make up lies about things to make me look better.  I always try to listen when someone is telling me how they feel, or their side of the story.  I don't just say I don't want involved even though I already am.  I try not to turn a blind eye when I realize that maybe things are a little worse than I thought and that I many have hurt someone close to me, not continue to ignore it and then play the victim when it does come to a head.  Part of being a Christian is being able to see your own faults too, and not just other people's, and say I will pray for them. Sometimes you need to pray for clarity for yourself too.  I have done that many times in my life and there are times that I realized that I was wrong and fixed things and there were times that I realized that what I had done to that point was what was best for me and not looked back. 
I am a lot of things but most of all I am a daughter, wife, friend, mother and I am a Christian!  I am proud of all those things, and I am every changing in all of those matters.

Love
Melinda

Enough said