Thoughts....

The past few weeks have been so busy and crazy with the holidays and sickness in our household.  There has also been alot of down time at home with a sick baby and I have never been a good sit still person.  My mind runs when I sit still I don't know why that is.  I have been spending alot of time thinking about how so many things have changed in a year.  This time last year we were getting the last stuff we needed for the baby and had our bags packed to leave as soon as we got a call.  We were keeping a big secret from alot of people because I couldn't bear the thought of what it would do to my heart if something happened and we came home without a baby. 
I can't walk past the nail place in the mall without getting a little chocked up remembering the call we got when my mom and I were there.  We had gone to enjoy our last girls evening before we had to leave for Vegas.  It was there I got the call with the date "D" was going to be induced.  And her telling me yes I want you guys here when he is born!  We were so worried we wouldn't be there for the first few days of his life.  I cried and cried and cried, I know those people in there thought I was crazy.  That will be a year ago next week!
I am sure it is on my mind alot more as we plan his 1st Birthday party, 1 already!  I will be thinking this is what I was doing this time last year and this is what I was doing this day.  It all feels like it was just yesterday and the emotions are still so raw and I wonder it that will ever change.  I mean I am sure it does and will fade with time.  I couldn't even throw my planner from last year away because it had the dates of her doctors appointments marked in it, the day our flights left, Noah's doctor's visits everything.  I kept it and put it in the box we have for him.  I don't know if he willl want it for anything but I feel I need to keep it for a bit. 
Sorry for the post being all over the place that is sort of where my thoughts are today and the past few weeks.  Maybe it is the reality that my baby is growing up or the fact we are no where in our relationship with "D" that we thought we would be at this point.  I just don't know.  I just really don't know.

Thanks for listening

Love
Melinda

Happy Holidays...late

I am finally getting to post....I hope.  I am so behind because we had been taken over with sickness in our home and then Internet problems.  I pray we have both under control.
November started out with Noah and I both have extremely bad colds.  The 2nd week of November my parents had Noah at the doctor's with Croup.  I also had a bad chest cold called death I think...lol!  Then the Saturday after Thanksgiving I had him back at the doctor with a double ear infection.  We seemed to get that cleared up and then the week before Christmas he and I both had the stomach flu, and he was at the doctor the Thursday before Christmas we had him back there with another ear infection.  Only to get a call from my mom on New Year's Eve telling me she thought he had chicken pox.  We went to the doctor to find out it was an allergic reaction to the meds for the ear infections.  I would love to say I am not sad to see 2012 go and start 2013 on a better foot but that would be a complete lie.  2012 was the best year of my life and I hate to see it go even with it ending the way it did.
One thing that sticks out in my mind is during the holiday season I was out shopping with Noah one evening and was rushing because I was holding a gentleman up from getting into his car.  I remember saying I am so sorry, simple things aren't so simple anymore, and laughed.  He smiled and said no problem and they never will be again but I bet life wasn't near as grand before.  I smiled and said your right.  That will always stick with me because he will never know how true those words were.  How I wasn't living until last January.
Christmas was amazing.  I would love to say it was picture perfect but it wasn't but that doesn't matter.  In the end our family all finally were under one roof at around 8 on Christmas Eve after Joe and my brother both got home from work. 
I would also love to say we heard from "D" and were able to exchange Christmas greetings but we didn't.  In fact we haven't heard from her in weeks, even after several attempts to be in touch.  I almost feel guilty in a way saying this but it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be not hearing from her.  Maybe it is from the months leading up to it where we wouldn't hear from her for weeks at a time.  I in no way want to come across as I don't care for her, I do and always will.  Maybe she will be like that relative you care about but don't see and talk to.  I don't know where things will go from here, I really don't.  Her parents did send Noah and Joe and I some really nice Christmas gifts and we were in touch with them.  We sent them some gifts as well.  I will say over the past 11 months our relationship with Noah's birth grandparents has really evolved.  It is nice, we don't have to talk each and everyday but it is nice when we do talk every few weeks.  It's nice to know they want to be involved but still respect my parents and worry about crossing any bounds with everyone.  Not that they in any way would do that. 
Those were our holidays.  I haven't downloaded any pictures yet to attach so once I do maybe I will do just a photo post.

Love
Melinda

Christmas Program

Noah's daycare had a Christmas program this past week.  Here are a few pictures from it.  It has been so busy getting ready for the holidays and Noah and I are both sick again.

Enjoy the pictures. 

Have a Very Merry Christmas.

10 months

Sorry this is a little late, but it has been a crazy week or so.  Last week was a hard week for me, my parents had to put our their dog to sleep last Monday.  Cody was the best dog in the world and it was very unexpected for us all.  Unless you are a pet owner you would never understand that they are a part of your family not just a pet, and what an empty space is left in your heart once they are gone.

Noah has been growing and learning so much.  He loves daycare and the kids there and they even recognize him when were are out and about.  His favorite word is dada and loves to shake his head no, no, no!  He only will say mama when he is sick or I am not around, he knows it drives me crazy...lol!  We are a non napper on most days for mommy and daddy, but at daycare sleeps for hours.  He has started clapping for himself and waved this morning to us.  He is super speed crawler and is standing and pulling himself up on everything and wants to walk; you can see it in his face but he just can't yet.  He knows exactly when he is not aloud to be doing something because he will stop and look at you to make sure you see him before he does it.  We now have to block off the steps because the other day he was up the first 4 before I knew he had left the room.  So when they say you need eyes in the back of your head that is so true. 
Time is going by so fast and it hard to believe that he will be 1 in like 6 weeks.  We started to plan his birthday party this weekend and that makes me sad, but excited at the same time.  It is so great to see what an amazing little guy he is becoming.  Sometimes I miss the days of the little tiny baby he once was and would love to go back in time even for a day, sometimes I feel like we missed out on a little with the stress of the adoption process.  And others I know it is just a normal part of life. 

Joe and I are looking forward to our first Christmas as a family of 3 this year and not just wondering when it would happen, or like last year being excited and getting ready to be a family of 3.  Some how we I bought way to much for him, ok well I guess you can never got a child to much but you know what I mean.  I can't wait until Christmas morning.

Here are a few new pictures of Noah!

Love,
Melinda

My wish

I feel like I haven’t been on here for so long, though I guess two weeks is a long time.  We have had a long rough month.  Our month started out with Noah getting croup, and then Joe and I both got really bad chest colds.  The over the weekend after Thanksgiving we ended up back at the doctor with Noah who now has a double ear infection.  So it has been a long couple of weeks and to say we will be glad to see November come to an end is an understatement to say the least.  This makes me sad because November was so full of memories of happiness and excitement from last year, not that this year wasn’t but it was sort of taken over with sickness.

I have been thinking about “D” a lot lately, with the holidays and stuff.  It was this time last year we matched with her and spent the holiday season forming a relationship.  I now have an amazing son, a great family and a full heart.  Even on the hard days it is 100 times better than my best day with out him.  He lights up my entire world and life!  Not a day goes by that I don’t look at him and think of “D” and the amazing gift she has given us.  I know it is still hard for her because I can hear it in her voice when I talk to her.  I often think if things are going the way in her life she thought they would be by making the choice she did.  I have to be honest there are times I don’t think they are.  And it is at those times I can’t help but wonder if she regrets her decision.  I don’t think even if she did she would ever tell us that.  She is always quick to tell us hope great we are doing and she can tell Noah is loved and happy and well taken care of.  That she couldn’t have asked for better parents for him.  That makes me feel good; I don’t ever want her to have doubts because of the type of parent she thinks we are.  What makes me sad is I think that she doesn’t see her own worth and feel she is worth having good things and happiness.  I sometimes wonder do people who do that make a conscious decision to be that way or is it habit.  Do you tell yourself that you don’t deserve to be happy there for when it doesn’t happen you’re not let down?

I love “D” beyond anything I really do.  She included me in the amazing birth of our son, and yes I said our.  He is still her son no matter what, but I am his mom and that won’t change.  She gave me something I would have never had without her.  She is his history and I can’t ever change that nor would I want to.  But my wish for her is to find what she thinks she is looking for.  She realized that she is worth fighting for a little bit too.  I want to see her to great things and for Noah to be proud of her down the road.  I know I am sort of rambling and I am sorry, I just want to see good for her and the past few times we have talked I hear in her voice that they might not be and I worry with the holidays coming and then Noah’s birthday it is going to be even harder on her.  So please keep not only “D” but all birth mother’s, birth fathers, and birth grandparents, and not only for the holidays but everyday.  Because with each passing thing that our children do each day that is great is one more thing they are missing out on.  I guess the great thing about open adoption is that they get to know about it, see pictures of it and video of it. Where as many years ago they couldn't.  

Love

Melinda

2012 Interview exchange

When I started our blog about a year ago I did it for myself and for family to follow our journey and get updates.  I never planned for it to be followed by other people.  When I listed it on the blog roll it was more to connect with other families who have either adopted or are looking to adopt.  I was able to find strength in following other blogs and realizing there were other people who were walking in the same shoes we were too.  And no matter how different our journeys were they were still the same.  The nice thing about this is getting to see how people handled things during their wait, with the birth family, even just how they were feeling at the moment.
I love to talk to people about adoption so when the opportunity came up to sign up for the interview exchange I jumped at the chance. I was matched with Susan of Susan and Mitch (hope to) adopt .  Susan and her husband are still in the waiting game of adoption, and are hopeful for a match soon.  They are a great couple who love to travel and are always on an adventure of some sort.  You might find them using their season tickets they have to Disney, on a crafting trips, going the OC fair or the Festival of Books.  I am glad I got matched with Susan and have to say I wish I would have stumbled across her blog before.  Our blogs are so different, my blog is much more emotional and hers is up beat and talks about all the fun things they are doing to stay busy. It also talks about a fun project she is working on while they are waiting for a match.  Their blog is very light and fun and was a joy to read.  I have enjoyed the emails we have exchanged so far and look forward to continuing to be in touch with each other and following them while they wait for a placement and hopefully about parenthood too.

How did you settle on the agency you are using?  
We chose Independent Adoption Center (IAC) for several reasons. Probably the most significant was that we met 2 other couples who had adopted through IAC and were very happy with their service. We also got a very good feeling from the person who led the initial orientation session we attended. She had worked for IAC for several years and was very familiar with adoption both from her work and also from her experience adopting 2 kids 20+ years ago. It was clear during the orientation session that IAC is very committed to making sure everyone in the adoption triad (adopted child, birthparents, and adoptive parents) are supported through the process. We really liked that IAC’s services include free counseling for birthparents. We also appreciated that IAC is nationwide and has as a significant online presence.

Did you talk to a lot of agencies?
No, we only talked to 2 agencies in person. This is largely because we joined a Resolve adoption support group in our area a few months before making our decision to adopt and several months before choosing an agency. We learned about different agencies from other couples in the group so we already had a good idea of which ones would appeal most to us before we met with any. At the same time we also were doing research on agencies in our area and our research confirmed many of the opinions we formed from our group meetings. 

Has your agency guided you in the path your blog is taking?  You have a lot of pictures and more information on places you go and things you do and not a lot about your feeling and things about adoption or is that just your personality?  The reason I ask this is because I remember the agency we used telling us not to use a lot of information that it overwhelms the birth mom, so I was just wondering if different agencies see different things.  But I think it is great seeing all the amazing things you do while waiting.
Our agency was very particular about our official adoption letter and online profile. They meticulously review both before you are “live” in their system. However, while these are reviewed in great detail, the same is not true for other online outreach tools we use and this surprised us. Aside from a general instruction that we should continue to post new photos, we did not receive any further instructions on content for our blog, Facebook, etc. This is both liberating and bewildering at the same time. While it is nice to be able to post freely without any restrictions, sometimes we also have been anxious about what we should or shouldn’t post or blog about. It’s less of a concern now, but it made for some stress when we first started sharing our story online.

I like this question because it highlights the differences between your blog and ours. I hadn’t realized quite how much we focus on things we are doing and how little we bring up feelings on our blog until I read yours for this project. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking to answer this question and there are a few reasons we haven’t focused on our feelings. First, our agency advised us to include as many photos as possible on the blog and this can be a challenge especially when it comes to illustrating concepts or feelings. Second, while I write most of the blog posts, my husband has been trying to contribute more. All along our posts have been written from our voice, not just mine or his, and it’s more of a challenge to incorporate feelings from our voice. If I were writing from my voice alone I would write more about my feelings going through this process. Third, we’re also been encouraged by our agency to stay as positive as possible and express this in our communications. As you know, many of the feelings you have during a long wait often aren’t very pretty or positive.  We always try to keep our readers in mind and we know they could be anyone including prospective birthparents, other parents waiting to adopt, friends, family, and other people we’ve met on our journey both online and off. While we don’t want to sugarcoat our journey, we also want to be careful not to make our blog consistently a downer with some of our sadder moods.

Overall, we’ve seen our blog as a vehicle to expand and deepen the ideas in our official letter, as well as provide updates on our life during our wait. That said, your blog has really inspired me and I’m looking to see how we can constructively discuss our feelings in more depth going forward.

You talk about the cross stitch project you are working on.  At one point I felt like you might be holding back on finishing it because if you do and don’t have a placement yet you will be let down, is that something you have thought about?
Yeah, that is something I’ve considered. Some days I plan to work on it, but find other things to do and don't get around to stitching. I think part of it is a fear that it will be completed before we match. Of course, it’s such a big enough project that I’d be unlikely to finish before we match, unless it takes us years!

You said that you say NO to closed adoption, does that mean you would not be open to an adoption situation if the birth mom only wanted a closed adoption?
At first I wondered about this question, but then I went back and looked at the post we wrote in July about open adoption and realized how our post could be seen as being a statement against closed adoption. We were inspired to write this post for a couple of reasons. First, we felt it was really important for us to define open adoption on our blog, not just in the textbook sense, but what it means to us. Second, we try to stay engaged with the general adoption community and this post was also in response to some of what we had been looking at. We’ve read many painful stories about closed adoptions and had seen Dan Rather’s report, “Adopted or Abducted” looking at women from the “baby scoop era” in the 1950’s to 1970’s who were forced to give up their children without any possibility of further contact. We know things are different from that era now, but we’ve seen painful birthparent stories out there that are current and our hearts break for the men and women who want to connect with the child they placed, but cannot. The most important thing to us is that we can discuss openness with our child’s birthparents and find the best option for all of us. Our first choice would definitely be an open adoption, but we recognize there are many reasons this isn’t what every birthparent wants. We would consider a closed adoption provided this is what the birthparents truly want and they know that we are always willing to reevaluate this decision if they would like us to do so.  Another good thing about IAC is that they are always willing to help facilitate contact if a birthparent changes his or her mind.

My husband and I waited for around 16 months for placement and I always wondered could I be doing something different should I have done this not that, is there anything you would change? There are a few things we would change. First, we realized several months in that we hadn’t made the best choices for us when we first set up our match preferences. We realized this was preventing our profile from being seen as much as it could have been. Second, we just took it as given that we were going to match quickly and we definitely were not very proactive in the beginning of our wait. We’ll always wonder if we would have already adopted by now if we had made different choices with our preferences and also been more active in getting the word out online. Third, we wish we had thought to take better photos while we were checking out agencies and getting through our home study. The good news is that we now get the chance to redesign our adoption letter and change out the photos. Luckily we’ve been saving some good pictures just for that.

If you would like to read Susan's interview of me click here.
I have to say the experience of having one on one time with another family was so nice and being able to ask the questions you think when you read a blog was pretty cool.  There were over 100 people that signed up for the exchange this year, and I think that Heather Schade of Production Not Reproduction has done an amazing job at organizing this and the site for all adoption blogs. You can see a complete list of matches here.  Take the time to read them if you can.

peace.love.adoption