It's hard to understand

I haven't really posted much lately because I have been trying to decide what way I want to take my blog.  What type of things I want to post about.  I miss blogging I miss writing about what I feel most passionate about, my son, my family, my faith and adoption! 
I recently joined Periscope I am being totally honest when I say I don't know much about it.  How it works, how to comment on videos, how to make a video...anything.  BUT I saw someone post a link and really wanted to see the broadcast they were doing to hear what they had to say so I joined and well I'm hooked on watching it at this point.  I have watched so many amazing and moving stories.  They have all touched me in some way or another, from birth mothers telling their stories, to adoptive mothers telling theirs and just a great group of women talking about their faith in God.  One really hit my heart hard this morning the title was Adopting Rocks by a fellow adoptive mommy named Kelly.  She was talking about the adoption of her oldest son and the relationship they have with his birth mother.  I sat and cried the entire time she talked about it, in fact I am crying as I write this post from the emotions still.  She spoke so many words that have been in my mind and heart in the past and will be even in the future I'm sure.  The relationship between a birth mother and adoptive mother is nothing anyone will ever understand, well unless your a birth mother and adoptive mother.
So many times I have had people say to me why do you care what she does or how she is?  There are times I want to say it is none of your business why I care the way I care about anyone in my life, those are on the bad days, days I get tired of defending it.  But most days I take the time to explain because I know they ask because they don't know, they don't understand.  There are times I didn't understand it either honestly.  But the thing is it's a journey I don't understand at times!  There is a connection that it hard to explain!  She made me a mother!!  She did for me what I couldn't do for myself and my husband.  She entrusted a perfect little person to me, her perfect little person, half of her heart!  No questions asked nothing more of me than to love him.  Love him with every ounce of my entire being and then some!  Pretty small thing to ask in return if you think about it.  As if doing that wasn't enough there was 2 moments that will forever be a reminder for me of the raw pain she had and may still carry.  I am not sure if I have ever talked about them or not on here.  If I have I'm sorry for repeating and if not I guess I'm finally ready to talk about it.
We were in the hospital still after Noah was born we had been in for 2 days at this point and the original plan to be in until Friday when she was able to sign had....changed at the last minute and we were leaving a day early.  So there was a last minute scramble to make arrangements for everyone for 24 hours.  I had to leave the hospital to go and get the car seat and things for the baby and come back for him and her.  What I was reading as strange behavior (from her) scared the living shit out of me to be frank.  I left the hospital room and broke in the hallway.  I hit my knees crying in a way I never cried before.  I just KNEW in my heart they would be gone when I got back.  The fear of never seeing that baby again was beyond anything I could handle.  I couldn't breath, I couldn't think my life felt like it was over.  I remember giving the hospital social worker my cell phone number as she was going into the room and telling her please don't let me come back to find an empty room.  Please call me first.  The fear and emptiness I felt was beyond anything I could imagine, that I can explain even now 3 years later.  It still brings tears to me and a feeling I can't explain.  I Called my husband and mother who were at the hotel, I had spent the night at the hospital, and told them what was going on.  IT was the worse phone call I had to make to that point in my life.  I got a call from the social worker as I was getting things together at the hotel and my heart sank I knew she was going to tell me my biggest fear had come true, she had changed her mind and left and couldn't tell me herself.  I was SO wrong, the social worker said that Noah's birth mother was worried we would change our mind and not return to get them.  I knew at that moment I needed to feel that pain and fear to totally know a small part of what she was feeling.  It had rocked me to my core. 
The second moment was the night we left to come home.  We had been cleared to finally leave and go home.  We had been in Noah's birth state for 8 days.  I sent her a text we were released to go and were leaving that night on the red eye.  We made last minute plans to see her on our way out of town.  It was so last minute in fact we were able to see her for less than 10 minutes and she said good-bye to her son in the back seat of a rental care.  What I witnessed in that car is something that I will forever hold on to as a reminder of the promise I made to her and God! There is some of that night I'm not ready to share but you get the point of the pain she felt and what I saw.
Open adoption is not always easy but hey I have never been one to do things the easy way you learn less that way!
I love our son's birth more to the core, good, bad indifferent!  I love her for who she is not just for what she did!  I want good things for her, I want happiness for her, I want piece of mind for her to know that Noah is loved with my entire being and then some.  I want people to understand but I know it's hard for them and that is ok to.  See it's my story and her story to understand! 

When you have a child

When you have a child
You learn it's a serious business
To have a little fun
You give grace and get forgiveness
Not seven times seven
But seven times seventy one

And when you have a child
Those four walls you call a house
Take on a life of its own
When you bring 'em home
You will cry and you will laugh
When they hurt it cuts you in half
It's your flesh and bone

And year after year
Pictures fill page after page
They never really grow up
Still your baby at any age
The first time you hold 'em
It's like you see God's smile
What a smile
When you have a child

And then boy meets girl
And perfume and gasoline
Reign on your perfect world
Curfews are often broken
Thank yous aren't spoken
He's got the keys to that old Dodge
And she's wearing a corsage
And her mama's pearls

And year after year
Pictures fill page after page
They never really grow up
Still your baby at any age
And the first time you hold 'em
It's like you feel God's smile
What a smile
When you have a child

You pray that phone call never comes
And if God forbid
How would you live
How could you go on
And on and on and on

And year after year
Close the chapter and turn the page
Blue ribbons and losing seasons
Flipping tassles on the stage
Oh but you don't need a photograph
You've got at least a million
Pictures of that smile
When you close your eyes
When you love a child
Ohh when you love a child

Reba McEntire - When you have a child

For some reason over the past few days the lyrics to this song have really hit home to me.
It seems like the past few weeks Noah has grown to a young man overnight and I'm not ready for it.

Subsidy Shades

You may see them on famous people like Tori Spelling and her entire family or anyone who has attended the MTV Movie Awards because with in months of starting Subsidy Shades Robert and Melissa had their very own gifting suite!  What started out as a way to fund their 2nd adoption because the first had cost a small fortune, like most adoptions do, has turned into a successful organization.  What makes Subsidy Shades different is they continue to give back!  Helping other families raise funds to help pay for their adoptions!  What an amazing way to pay it forward wouldn't you say!  In addition to helping families paying for adoptions, Melissa has also been very involved with helping birth mother's feel special and loved by her and Subsidy Shades.
One of the current promotions they have going on is with Together We Rise, if you purchase these super cute Mickey glasses they will donate $1 for each pair purchased!  The money will go towards giving children in foster care a once in a lifetime trip to Disneyland to reunited with birth siblings.  How amazing is that!!!
I have personally received sample shades from Melissa and purchased them as well and I have to say I can't get enough!  They come in many styles for adults, men and women, and to many super cute ones for children.  Check them out here.  The best part is they are support affordable. 
Know that not only will you have stylish glasses at a good price but you will also be supporting adoption and foster care as well!

The Choice

For most people, not all but most, coming to the decision to adopt is not always an easy one.  The path to choosing adoption is usually a path filled with tears, heartache and hurt.  Years of infertility, treatments and failed pregnancies.  By the time this option comes up a lot of times people feel so defeated they don't ever take the steps to move forward or are financially drained from the other treatments and medicines. 
For myself, I never went though the treatments and medicines, we went to 1 appointment to see what our options were, and that was it.  We knew we had a very small chance of me being able to carry a baby and we also had to do egg donation so we had the added expense there.  So we knew that we needed to find another path to parenthood.  We briefly spoke about adoption and then decided we were going to try the foster to adopt route.  We took all of the classes, spent weekend sitting inside during the summer, evenings given up and at the very last class the social worker in charge said something that totally turned us off.  We walked out and looked at each other and was like this was a total waste of a few months.  We took a step back and just thought about our options and did research, ok well I did research.  I looked at agency after agency after agency.  Made call after call after call.  We spoke with so many agencies and heard good things and bad things from each of them.  I won't go into all the details of every reason we didn't choose an agency, it could have varied from the time they said an average match took, it could have been the fees, or the fact they charged different fees based upon race, which I have a major personal issue with.  Finding and choosing an agency is part research and part gut and mostly luck if you ask me.  I can't sit here and say I would do this different or that different because then things would have ended different for us and I can't imagine my life any different than it is today.  I can say if we were ever to try to adopt again I would do things different. 
Once you make a decision on an agency there are a million choices that follow.  I will tell you that you will second guess each and every single one of them.  When you go right you will always think you should have gone left.  It won't be until you are sitting with your baby in your arms that you feel you have made the right decisions the right choices.  It will be then that all the pieces have fallen together. 
Adoption is not a journey for the faint of heart for use.  But the reward in the end is so amazing!

Back to Basics

I have missed blogging so much over the past few months.   During that time the passion I have for adoption has just grown like a fire inside of me.  So I am going to start blogging again. 
I have been thinking about it and I thought well where do I start.  It has been so long where do I pick back up at or do I start all over gain? I think the best thing to do is a small back story and then to move forward.  That way any new followers don't have to read everything if they don't want to.
In June of 2010 my husband and I started the process of adoption.  We went into the process pretty blind to say the least.  I can't say if adoption groups were a popular and as easy to find then as now or now, because I never thought to look for them at the time.  The support groups now are a truly amazing thing, if you can find honest people in them, and most groups with adoptive families in them are.  The process of adoption is hard and cruel.  It's over whelming, lonely and hard to navigate at times.  But it can also be beautiful and amazing as well, most of the time that isn't until the end and well after placement honestly.
In January of 2012 we were blessed with the birth and placement of our amazing son.  We have been equally blessed with a good relationship with our son's birth mother.  
Ever since we finalized our son's adoption I have had a passion to want to help support other waiting families.  I felt so alone and lost during our wait.  We felt like we didn't get as much support as we thought we would get from agency we used at the time.  Even now post placement it is so nice to have people to share with who understand like on one else can.
I want this to be a place of sharing and support for others.  I am not saying everything I feel is right and perfect.  That the advise I have is always correct.  I can only talk from our experience and from my heart!
I hope that you find some help and support and understand in the things I have to say and experiences I share.

Under construction

Please bear with me as I work on some changes and updates to the blog!  I promise I will be back to blogging soon as I miss it so much!

See you soon

Melinda

Mother's Day 4