First Mother's Day

Sorry I am a little late in posting this.  Better late than never right!

I have never had that oh God its Mother’s Day I want to crawl in a hole and die moments.  Yes, I have always had this ache in my heart to be a mom and some days were worse than others.  Mother’s Day was never one of the bad ones, and I think it was because I have the most amazing mom in the entire world and I focused on it being about her and didn’t have the time to worry or be sad. 

As Mother’s Day came around this year, of course I was excited.  I was talking to Noah one evening and asked him if he got mommy something special for Mother’s Day.  My husband overheard me talking to him and said I need to buy you something?  This turned into an argument over the topic.  The pas couple of years we really haven’t done anything for each other for Birthday’s, our anniversary or Christmas, as we were trying to save money for the adoption.  Then Joe lost in job last July which made it worse, and he is till not back to work.  I tried to explain to him it’s not about spending money.  I downloaded my memory card last week and have over 500 pictures in 3 months time, pick a few and make a collage of pictures, make prints of Noah’s hand or feet so I can frame them, we didn’t get that stuff from the hospital his birthmother has it all.  I have to be honest my husband “doesn’t always get it”. 

Then our agency that did our placement contacted me about a program that they were having for Birth Mother’s Day, which is the day before Mother’s Day.  They understood we could not come back toLas Vegasfor it but it we wanted to participate in anyway we could.  I wrote a letter for them to read about D and also a sent card for them to give to the other birth mother’s who were in attendance. 

So I was having some mixed emotions going into the weekend.  Here was my first Mother’s Day and I was having to guilt my husband into caring about it and was thinking about D.  Saturday when we got up and moving, our entire family was camping, I had checked my email on my phone and also jumped onto facebook as well.  I saw a post about Birth’s Mother’s Day and the program inLas Vegasand I got very emotional.  I cried several times during the day Saturday.  Mostly when I would look at Noah or we would talk about it.  I need to make clear I was emotional not just because of D but for all the birth mother’s.  I have met a lot of couples during this process and follow a lot on blogs.  I know of 5 of us that have been places within the past year, 3 of us with our very first child.  All of our birth mother’s choosing to place for many different reason, but still making the very painful decision to do it and celebrating mother’s day without the child they carried and loved for 9 months.  And giving us all the gift and chance to celebrate our first Mother’s day, which is amazing. 

Needless to say I got it out of my system and woke up Sunday morning feeling pretty good.  I was able to wake up with MY baby on the floor in his cradle beside me sleeping and enjoy it for a few moments.  Joe came around and he and Noah got me a beautiful cross with a heart of diamonds around the cross.  My mother she “got it” so I am hoping it will rub off.  I have always wanted a lilac bush, but not any lilac bush a start off the bush in my parents’ yard that was my grand mothers.  So pappy helped Noah dig it up the other day and gave that to me.

Birth Mother's Day - 5-12-2012

Thinking of the amzing Birth mom who allowed me to become a mom~

You weren't there when I took my first step
You weren't there when I said my first word
You weren't there for my first day of school
You weren't there to tell I met my best friend
You weren't there to cry to when other kids made fun of me
You weren't there when I lost a friend
You weren't there when I started high school
Or when I graduated
You weren't there when I left for college
And when I moved back home it wasn't to your house
You weren't there when I left home again
You weren't there because you love me
You loved me so much you let someone else be there
You let someone else do the things
You didn't think you could do
Because you loved me too much

At Peace

The past 10 weeks have had alot of ups and downs for me emotionally.  As I said before our relationship with "D" at best has been touch and go the past 1o weeks.  Things did not end on such a great note when we left Las Vegas and I have many regrets about it, but I guess what is done is done.  I think the reason it was hard for me to move past that was because I never really was able to tell her how I felt and why I felt the way I did and why I handled things the way I did.  I have wanted to so many times over the past 2 months and have even wrote her a letter explaining things but I really wanted to be able to talk about it with her. 

I know I also said before that I was able to come to terms with it and move past things but I really wasn't.  I was is some way not able to view myself as his mom.  I think the slap me across the face I needed to move on moment was about a week ago when we were at my parents house and my dad was playing with Noah and he said about his big brown eyes and I said "he no doubt has his mom's eyes."  To which my dad said "No he doesn't his mom has blue eyes."  I realized then if I can't view myself as his mom how is anyone else or even Noah.  I had a so to speak come to Jesus moment and really spent sometime in prayer and was ready to just move on.

I know that God answer's prayers, he answered my prayers when my dad had cancer last May, he answered my prayers when my dad was on a vent from a surgery that had complications last October.  And most of all he answered my prayers when D found us and when Noah was born.  He answered my prayer that night when I asked for a chance to have that closure, and I got it.  The next day D got in touch with me.  We had our first real conservation since we left Las Vegas.  It was a good conservation, I got to say the things I needed to say, she got to say she understood.  She also got to say things I needed to hear.  That it is ok to be happy and be his mom.  To love him the way she loves him and to be happy that I am his mom.  Not to feel sad or that I am rubbing it in her face by doing that.  I have only ever felt that kind of peace 1 time before and it was the first night we spent with Noah knowing no one was coming to take him.

Like I said before I keep telling myself that no relationship that offers meaning and true connection is without ups and downs.  And lets face it you can't have someone give you a child without the relationship having meaning and you have a connection.  I also have to remember that she is hurting.  Hurting for reasons that I don't want to go into and for the obvious.  So please once in a while say a prayer for not only her but all birth mothers.  Also remember just because they place their child for adoption doesn't mean they don't love them and care for them.  In fact I feel sometimes that maybe they might love their child more than someone who keeps a child whom they can't care of just because they don't want to hurt. 

I am finally at peace and I know things are going to be ok.  Noah knows who his mom is, he can't find me fast enough when he hears me speak and he is the same way with his daddy too!

Below is a poem that I came across when searching for something else.  It is wrote about a daughter but I think you will get them meaning anyway.

Love

Melinda

 

A Birthmother's Love
by Shelia Davis

 

As I watch my precious child drift off to sleep
My thoughts are with you with love so deep,

 

We prayed that someday a child would come
Although we had no idea where she'd be from

 

You carried her with love beneath your heart
Knowing your lives would be lived apart

 

You searched for parents that could raise her right
to love her, read to her, and kiss her goodnight.

 

When we first met there was such a conncection
You chose us to parent with little hesitation

 

Delivery day came and with that a beautiful dauhter
and we want her to know the love of her birth mother

 

A part of her life we asked you to stay
so she could know you and your loving way

 

For if it weren't for your Love and unselfihness
this bright little child's life we would have missed.

God blessed us beyond our wildest dream's
a child, our family, and you!!

 

 

 

8 Weeks

It has been 8 weeks since our lives were changes forever!  In some ways it has been the shortest 8 weeks and in others the longest.  I am watching my son sleep and stretch as I write this and I am still in awe of him.  How such a little person can change so many lives in such an amazing way.  He is forming such a personality now and for the most part is a happy baby.  Which makes me happy to write because the past couple weeks have been really hard.  He was having major acid reflux and GURD.  He is on 2 different medicines and special formula for it.  At times I really wondered if giving him the meds was worth it.  I can say now that yes they were. 

He makes the cutest little sound when he is happy, like Chewbacca from Star Wars.  He is alot more aware of the things around him and voices.  He also know what he wants and wants it when he wants it no questions asked.  We have found the changing table has magic powers because no matter how mad he is as soon as you lay him on it he is the happiest kid around.

I think he is going to have long arms and legs because most things that fit him size wise to to short in the arms and legs.  He has the darkest brown eyes and plump lips, it is hard to look at him and not be reminded of D because looking into his eyes are like looking into hers.  I am ok with that as strange as it sounds.  Because after my last post I received such amazing support and I know I am his mom and I am secure in that and it is ok if he has her eyes, they were beautiful eyes.

I can't wait to see what the next 4 weeks are going to bring for us.  I hate to see them come but it is going to happen so I might as well enjoy them!

Love

Melinda

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Relationships

Ok so lets face it, relationships are hard work, some more so than others.  Some are worth putting the work into and some not so much.  Some it takes years to develop some it takes years to realize they are no longer worth the work they take.  And some you walk away from and realize you should have put the work into it and pray you get the second chance to.  Come on we are all adults and you all know what I am talking about.  It is a part of life I guess.  But the one relationship that is the hardest for me is ours with Noah's birth mom. 

Let me start by saying when we started the entire process of adoption Joe and I were not open to having an open adoption, not at all.  We really wanted no part of it at all.  We wanted to walk into the hospital get "our" baby and leave and never look back.  I know it sounds so heartless and cruel but that is what we thought at first.  We were very uneducated and selfish.  The more into the process we got and the more we educated ourselves and the more we opened our hearts the more God spoke to us about this.  We then moved to the well; letters and pictures won't hurt will they?  Then it was well maybe a visit or two a year but that is it, I still want to be the parent not the baby sitter, if that makes sense to you.  I mean she is giving us such an amazing gift, the gift of a life we could not create.  I know alot of that is very blunt and can come across as mean but I have promised to be nothing but honest with you about this process and our feeling during it and I can't change what they were, I can only learn from them.

Then D found us and everything changed!  We had SO much contact during the time we were waiting for Noah to be born.  We talked everyday, several times a day from the beginning of November to the end of January.  We learned everything , alot about each other, enough to know that she is someone I would want in our life.  Yes there were many things that came out into the open while we were in the hospital when Noah was born, but God let my heart forgive her.  I believe that she is a good person who just had made some bad decisions.  I think that she is lacking relationships in her life that continue to remind her she is a good person and can do good things, right things.  I can say this not only from the time we spent getting to know each other leading up to Noah's birth but also the very intimate 72 hours we spend together after his birth.  My mean really I was in the delivery room and stayed in her hospital room with her while she was there, you can't help but get to know someone under those conditions.

While we were in Vegas and after TPR was signed our relationship with D took a major hit and alot of hurtful things were said.  I can't help think it was her way of dealing with the pain and distancing herself from it all.  But it hurt and it has been hard to recover from it sometimes.  There has never really been any closure on this chapter we never really got to say good-bye and spend some time paving the road of this relationship before we left.  We never saw each other after the night in the hotel she signed the papers for Noah, it is not how I wanted it but it is how it happened and we can't change that and I have told her how sorry I was it happened that way.  There were alot of things that took place that lead to the decision and we both may have handled it wrong.  I think it would be easier to move forward from it if she was showing she really wants the type of relationship with us and Noah she said she did, but she has done everything but show that and it is hard.  I can't help but wonder if she has never had people in her life that are truly sorry for something that may have hurt her, or if the people she has in her life make it a habit of feeling people are only out to hurt her. 

 There have been so many things she has done to show she does care, like letting me/us be there with Noah from the very first breath, literally.  Or the very large pack of her medical records, yes I said her medical records I received in the mail over the weekend.  When I got the pack in the mail and saw the return address to the agency I really had no idea what it could be.  I sat for a moment before opening it not knowing if I wanted to know what it was.  And then when I did I sat and cried.  I cried because that showed me the D I had gotten to know was still there that she cared enough to want Noah to have these.  I have to be honest I have not read them, and I am not sure if I want to or will.  They are Noah's history not mine.  Do I think there is anything in there that I don't know, not really.  Is there anything in there that will change things, not really, but  on the outside chance there is I don't know if I want to know anyway.  It will only change the way I look at D and I don't really want anything else to have a factor on that. 

Also alot of people ask why do I care, why do I want her in our life.  I do for Noah, part for selfish reasons, like if something were to happen to him and I needed medical information or even worse bone marrow or anything.  Other are for him, down the road he is going to have questions; he is going to want to know, know things I can't answer for him.  D and I have talked about how hard it is for her to have questions and no answers, she was adopted as well, but it was a fully closed adoption.  I don't want him to become the lost soul she seems to have become.  At the time it happened I thought it so strange, the last day she had with Noah to spend time with him before signing TPR she choose to spend it with me in a casino/bar telling me things, things I couldn't understand at the time.  Now I know they are things she wanted me to know incase we got on that plane and never looked back.  But most of all I want her in our life because we have grown to love her too and we will continue to love her.  Maybe in time things will get better and we will figure this out.  I have to keep telling myself it has only been 7 weeks and things like this take time.  I guess the big question is does time heal all wonds?  I hope in this case it does I really do.  If I had to say right now in this very second do I think she will be better about staying in touch down the road, I say yes, I do think she will.  I say that because in my heart I know D loves, Noah and loves us and knows we love her, and knows she will be welcomed with open arms and hearts!

Love,

Melinda

Poem

 

I saw this poem on two other blogs that I follow and realized how true it is.  Even though I have meet Noah's birth mom and had become close to her the tought has entered my mind at least a million times.  How blessed we are that she choose us to be apart of his life.  We don't have the best relationship right now, more on that in a post to follow, but she is still a big part of us.  A part we could never forget. 

 

I tiptoed into your room one night.

I watched you sleeping there.

Your tiny body looked so snug

Wrapped in peaceful slumber's care.

 

I thought of how you came to be

The child we'd longed to know.

I wondered at the sight of you:

"How could she let you go?"

 

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I

Felt the pain she must have known.

For I will have to let you go

Some day when you are grown.

 

A mother I might never meet

Had given me her son.

Yet, surely as you've filled my heart,

A piece of hers you'd won.

 

"How could she let you go?"

The question kept returning.

And in the depths of my own heart.

A question kept on burning.

 

"How can I ever let you go

When years have come and gone?"

I stood there by your crib until

The nighttime turned to dawn.

 

And as the sun peeked through the shades,

The voice of God broke through.

"I trusted her to give him life

And now I'm trusting to you.

 

"To show him what is right and wrong,

to love him and to be

The one who teaches him the way

To come back home to me.

 

"He wasn't hers to give, you know.

And he's not yours to own.

I've placed him in your life to love

But he is mine … on loan."-Valerie Kay Gwin

One month..already

It has been 1 month since our lives changed forever!  I want to sit and cry at how fast this time is passing.  I see so many changes in Noah it isn't even funny.  Aside from the growth, he really should be out of his newborn size cloths and in the 0 to 3 months but, I just can't do it yet!  He was able to fit into them ok until this past weekend, when I put the newborn size sleeper on him it looked like a bodysuit not a sleeper!  He is also on to the size 1 diapers too.  He is much more alert when he is up and will turn his head towards you when you say his name.  He has the biggest dark brown eyes, I think they are going to stay that color.  I also think they are going to get him out of ALOT of trouble later on in life, because he looks at you and it melts your heart!  I swear sometime he can just smile at you with his eyes.  I also think he is going to be very independent very quickly, last night when we were trying to get him down for bed he would spit his binkey out and then turn his head and stick his tongue out to try to get it back.  To be honest I am not surprised by it because D was a very independent strong-willed person herself, and he has me as a mommy!  Daddy is the one taking care of him full-time right now, and doing a great job at it.  I know it is hard on Joe some days but there is no other place I would want him since I can't do it myself!

Everyone in the family is head over heals in love.  My nephew who is 2 really loves him, for now anyway.  When we were visiting the other day he kept coming to me and saying "Noah, up!" "Noah, up!"  He was sleeping in his car seat.  A few times I went to check until I realized he wanted me to GET Noah up.  He covers him with kisses each time we see him he covers Noah with kisses.  My niece who is 5, she is a little harder to read but I know she was excited about him.  Last year for her birthday she asked her grandma if I would have a baby for it and grandma told her no, well this year we do!  I know she was a little unhappy it was a boy and not a girl.  I don't think she realizes that having a girl would mean having to share the title of princess, which she would NOT do happily. 

Stat tuned for more updates

Love,

Joe, Melinda and Noah

 

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